My Best Friend Asked My Husband to Be Her Sperm Donor. I Honestly Don't Know How to Feel.

[sofia67]

I'm 34, my husband is also 34, and my best friend is 34. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. My husband joined our friend group when we were teenagers, and we've all basically grown up together. My best friend married one of our classmates, and my husband has known her just as long as I have.

My husband and I have two kids. Four years ago, my best friend's husband died in a tragic accident after they had only been married for a year. It completely changed her life. She went through severe depression, trauma, and even had suicidal thoughts. With therapy, support, and a lot of hard work, she's now doing much better and has built a great career.

Recently, she asked me something I never expected.

She wants to have a baby but doesn't want another romantic relationship. She said she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character. She asked if my husband would be willing to be her sperm donor.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

The thing is... I wasn't angry. I wasn't offended. I just felt this strange knot in my stomach that I can't explain. I honestly don't know if that's because it's crossing a boundary, because it's such a huge lifelong decision, or because I simply never imagined being asked something like this.

I'm not looking to end a friendship, and I'm not accusing anyone of having inappropriate intentions. I truly believe she's asking because she trusts us.

I can see why your friend would ask. It sounds like a lovely idea in theory and hats off to anyone who could manage that arrangement. I couldn't manage it, watching my best friend raise my husbands child and my DCs half sibling would be too strange for me. I imagine it would be even worse for my DH to watch someone raise his child and he be on the sidelines seeing them grow but not being an active parent to them.
What would the children be told? Would they know they were half siblings? It could be quite difficult for them to understand and navigate.

it is a no from me.

even if your husband signs over legal responsibility, he will always know he has a child out there, you can’t just sign over your feelings for your own offspring.

your best friend and your husbands child will no doubt always be in your life, sharing memories with your children (their half siblings) and your husband may not be able to compartmentalise that he shouldn’t have fatherly feelings or need to provide for his ‘other’ child. I don’t think she has thought through the head fuck that this will be for your husband to be in that position- it’s not just sperm, its DNA, a baby. Not a transactional agreement.

what would you tell your kids?
what if the child wants to have a relationship with their dad?
would you feel obliged to help financially and emotionally if your best friend and the child fell on hard times?

or would it all just be a massive secret? That is a horrible way of bringing up a child.

Absolutely out of the question. You would be mad to agree to this. And I wouldn't be having anything to do with her again. It wasnt ok for her to ask.

she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character.

she just does not want to fork out money

The child will be your husbands. He will have children with you and your best friend. He will see them grow up, they will share his features and characteristics. It is not realistic, it is fiction, to think that this would be a one off act. And either party talking about them in those terms would be deluding themselves. And setting it all up to fail.

You seem to care about her a great deal. She… not so much

Yes, I've long thought it was naive to presume attitudes and laws relating to that kind of thing are going to remain static.

I think she should not have asked but can understand her exercising poor judgement in her circumstances. I think the problem now is that she has asked and there is no going back.

I'm calling reverse on this thread. I think you're trying to get people to agree that it's a good idea to ask the husband to be the donor.

well that hasn't worked has it?

What did your husband feel and say?

Let your friend know that you do get full medical details on anonymous sperm donors and their family.

I don’t really see why it is an issue if it is your husbands sperm?

That’s completely inappropriate of her to ask and it could only complicate things going forward if you want to stay friends, it would be your children’s sibling however you look at it

Why? She hasn’t done anything bad

No. Just no. I agree with a pp, that your friend is not doing as well as everyone might think to even ask this. There are so many hypotheticals that it just doesn't bear thinking about - what if the child is difficult to parent for whatever reason? Would your DH be expected to step in to help? What if your friend needed hospitalisation for an extensive length of time? I can see your DH having 'expectations' placed on him, whatever your friend may say.

There are reasons why anonymous donors are a thing.

I suppose it's similar to a friend offering to be a surrogate..? Although, in this case a friend ASKING another friend to be a surrogate.
I know two instances of that. One declined, one tragically miscarried. It is a strange proposition if it's totally out of the blue.

Agree to disagree I think. You don’t know unless you ask. Would I have asked? No. Do I think it would be a disaster? Yes. I still don’t think the friend meant it to be upsetting by the sound of it. I agree that the damage may be done though, I think I would struggle to be as close or leave them together for fear of friend bringing it up to husband. Difficult situation to be in.

I think the knot is because you love her, want her to be happy and know its possibly in your gift to give her something that could bring her great happiness, but you understandably don't want to.
Because her child will be your husband's too, and your child's sibling, a blood family that includes your friend, your husband, your child and not you.
There are vanishingly few people who'd be comfortable with this, and you are not letting your friend down to refuse. If its easier, get your husband to be the one to say no.

I'm a mother of a sperm donor conceived child - just to offer that as context/ my perspective.

Back when DH and I were TTC and it became clear we'd need a donor, I had a strange situation where a friend of mine offered, and I had to say no. They weren't offended, but I would have found it all just too strange, and I just said that. It was all fine.

The scenario works well for some people, and not for others. For me, we had to go for an anonymous donor.

As many on here have said - it's OK for her to ask, it's OK for you and your husband to say no.

Sperm banks are an option and in many situations it is less complicated for everybody, including the child, to go for that option. It worked out extremely well for us and it's all ID release at 18 in the UK.

You shouldn't feel any guilt whatsoever for saying no, because your friend has another option which is honestly just as good.

Personally .. I would .

This is ludicrous and a very big and uncomfortable thing to ask. I don’t doubt what you say , that there are no inappropriate reasons and it probably comes from her trauma and just wanting a family - but there are so many reasons not to do this.

she would be carrying his child . Regardless of no feelings now , there would be some form of feeling. I did not love my one child’s dad and no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him but when I gave birth I felt that strong feeling toward him ( don’t get me wrong , it went ! ) but at that time it felt real. They would share a bond that no one should share with another during a marriage .

Could your husband really see that child grow up and not be his Dad? What if she gets into a relationship and he watches someone else play dad ? This would be your children’s sibling. Could she watch your husband be dad to your children and not feel jealousy , or want that for her child ?!

There are ways she can safely do this with a stranger .

Absolutely do not go ahead with this. Don’t end a friendship - she is clearly vulnerable and lonely and needs your support , but try to get her to see how insane this idea is.

You don’t just ask your friends if their husband can father your children.

I wouldn’t want my DH to have a baby with anyone else for any reason, no matter how well intentioned. It would feel like an encroachment and violation of my family unit. I don’t really know why, but that is my gut reaction. I understand why she asked, but it would be a hard no from me.

Apart from all the other things, would your DH want his three children to inherit from him equally in his will, meaning each of your biological children would only get part of what they would otherwise? It wouldn't be you 'gifting' a sixth of your shared estate to the child of your friend, it would be your bereaved kids, with no say in the matter.

If you become wealthier than she does, if she has to claim benefits, money would be coming out of your husband’s bank account, you realise that?

If you and him get promotions, inheritance, win the premium bonds, she is made redundant, has a child with disabilities and she is a full time carer, she can claim child maintenance, life changes for everyone, you don’t know which direction it’ll change.

Absolutely no way would I want to be a part of this. Very unfair of her to ask.