My Best Friend Asked My Husband to Be Her Sperm Donor. I Honestly Don't Know How to Feel.

[sofia67]

I'm 34, my husband is also 34, and my best friend is 34. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. My husband joined our friend group when we were teenagers, and we've all basically grown up together. My best friend married one of our classmates, and my husband has known her just as long as I have.

My husband and I have two kids. Four years ago, my best friend's husband died in a tragic accident after they had only been married for a year. It completely changed her life. She went through severe depression, trauma, and even had suicidal thoughts. With therapy, support, and a lot of hard work, she's now doing much better and has built a great career.

Recently, she asked me something I never expected.

She wants to have a baby but doesn't want another romantic relationship. She said she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character. She asked if my husband would be willing to be her sperm donor.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

The thing is... I wasn't angry. I wasn't offended. I just felt this strange knot in my stomach that I can't explain. I honestly don't know if that's because it's crossing a boundary, because it's such a huge lifelong decision, or because I simply never imagined being asked something like this.

I'm not looking to end a friendship, and I'm not accusing anyone of having inappropriate intentions. I truly believe she's asking because she trusts us.

I can understand why she might think it's a good idea. But it is a very bad idea for you and DH. It would change all your relationships with each other forever and I don't think in a good way.

I think it would be hard for both you and your husband whenever you are around her and the child. You would forever know them as your child’s sibling.
It is also a very big secret to keep. It’s not the same as being anonymous, you would be lying to your child and enabling her to lie to hers that you all do now know the father.

Have you spoken to your husband about it? How does he feel? If he is set against it then really that’s the answer for her.

I understand she would like to know medical history and what they are like as a parent but I do feel like it’s overstepping a little and I do believe it would change the nature of your friendship. I couldn’t see you all remaining so close after it. I think your husband would find it really difficult to stand back and watch knowing it’s his child.

I would assume she meant "turkey baster" style. However, if shes desperate for a child the natural method is more successful. And once you say yes there is multiple directions this could spread

And tbh if it was my husband id say no. Its not like this is her only option. She will know other men, maybe a brother of her husband, maybe a male friend of her own, or another male you know or your DH knows or she could use the NHS.

I dont think its unreasonable to say no, when you feel this uncomfy and she has other options and if shes a good friend, with no romantic interest in DH she will understand

Especially if he has the morals and character OP mentions. If hes a good man and a good father how could he not

you really are co sided if you have read the thread and think that any more than a couple of posters have suggested this

I've always assumed a good amount of the threads on here are made up, trolling before the move to AI. For me the interest is usually in the responses! So like you, I couldn't possibly comment on the OP. Some of the replies, otoh...

I must have misread then sorry.

Regardless of how all the adults feel about it, PLEASE thknk about it from the perspective of the hypothetical child (and the already existing children)

At some point the child will know that while it has the same father, this father is not the same "dad" as to his other children. The child will probably feel like second class.
Many (most?) children with only one parent go trough a phase of wishing to kniw the other patent, and idealise what life with parents would be like. Seeing what his other children get (relationship, beeing a dad to them etc) will make it very painfull.

And the already existing children might also feel insecure if they see their own father not beeing a dad to his child just because He does not have a relationship with the mom.

Noooo. Sorry this could get so complicated. Your husband will be liable for child maintenance. imagine how the child will feel growing up finding out their father lives down the road but only bringing up his other dc. So many potential problems I can’t even begin to list!

Morning, everyone. Thank you to everyone who sent reports regarding this thread. It does look as though the OP was not genuine and we have shown them the door so they won't be back to answer any more queries.

The thread has brought up lots of good points around the issue of surrogacy, however, which might well be helpful or of interest to others, so we're going to leave the thread itself to stand so that discusssion can continue.

Thanks again.

What’s sad is that the same posters falls for these threads time and time again. And heap scorn on those of us that ever question the veracity

Absolutely no. It would open up all sorts of problems. Tell her you will assist her all you can in her quest for a child via sperm donor, but you're not comfortable with your partner being the donor. It complicates a friendship that should not be complicated. Also, as much as she says he wont be involved as a parent, the mere fact you all have such a close friendship, would make that impossible. You could even possibly come to resent her because of it.

That is the worst idea I have ever heard, and the bar on here, is high

If this goes ahead, your friendship will end along with your marriage

So how are people figuring out this was a fake post?

I feel for your friend, she possibly sees you and your husband as’safe’ but it would be a no from me. She is definitely crossing a boundary, although she may not see it that way.
Just the fact that you would be in regular contact with your husband’s child a half brother or sister of your own kids would make me say no.
It would play on my mind for all the years I watched them grow up and the potential problems with my own children.

Website owners can look at stuff like posters' IP addresses.

@sofia67
Not a poet
But always a admirer of the well-written word
In a previous life I've always imagined i could've been one of those interesting-character lady writers

To me you could be opening up a right can of worms.

No. She is better off having an anonymous donor

do not agree. Do not allow your husband to do this

oh phew! Its not real 🤦‍♀️

Deleted

It would be a no from me. Her child, whether she signs papers or not will be your children’s half sibling! Biologically they will be your husbands baby and it’s a fact that a pregnant lady fantasises about her baby daddy being involved… she says now she wants nothing - but could your husband stand by and watch this child grow up and not feel the need to interfere if she was doing something he deemed wrong, what if the child is poorly and needs a kidney?!
when she needs a sitter - would your husband feel drawn to help?!
when she’s pregnant with his baby will look at her differently? Men are hard wired to want to ‘protect’ their baby mummy!

discuss this with your husband and if needs be tell him you’re not happy with it.. this child will be related to your children who get no say in this. This will affect your marriage and once done there’s no going back!

she needs to find another male friend to ask!