My Best Friend Asked My Husband to Be Her Sperm Donor. I Honestly Don't Know How to Feel.

[sofia67]

I'm 34, my husband is also 34, and my best friend is 34. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. My husband joined our friend group when we were teenagers, and we've all basically grown up together. My best friend married one of our classmates, and my husband has known her just as long as I have.

My husband and I have two kids. Four years ago, my best friend's husband died in a tragic accident after they had only been married for a year. It completely changed her life. She went through severe depression, trauma, and even had suicidal thoughts. With therapy, support, and a lot of hard work, she's now doing much better and has built a great career.

Recently, she asked me something I never expected.

She wants to have a baby but doesn't want another romantic relationship. She said she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character. She asked if my husband would be willing to be her sperm donor.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

The thing is... I wasn't angry. I wasn't offended. I just felt this strange knot in my stomach that I can't explain. I honestly don't know if that's because it's crossing a boundary, because it's such a huge lifelong decision, or because I simply never imagined being asked something like this.

I'm not looking to end a friendship, and I'm not accusing anyone of having inappropriate intentions. I truly believe she's asking because she trusts us.

Absolutely not ok. This is a crazy idea. It would be his child whether he lived with her or not.

AI title did you dirty here. She didn’t ask your husband, she asked you.

But anyway, it’s ok for her to ask, and it’s ok to say no because you aren’t comfortable. He isn’t the only man she knows and so she can ask someone else, and I can absolutely see why you would see this as crossing a line. I wouldn’t like it either

Way too complicated and just a bad idea all round. As I’m sure you know op.

What does your husband think? My gut instinct would be hell no, it has the potential to get far too complicated and she should get an anonymous donor from a sperm bank.

Wow. I imagine you’ll get lots of perspectives on here. I suppose on one level every sperm donor is someone’s partner ultimately so perhaps someone you know to be a genuinely decent person is preferable.

I just feel for your husband to see the child regularly and not feel in some way responsible would be very, very hard for him and you. And if you had children, the idea they would be siblings - later in life you would need to tell them which may also bring about unintended consequences.

I think she should explore donation through an agency - many provide a lot of details around genetic history etc from my understanding.

OP, so she may trust you, but do you really want your BF to have your children’s half-sibling? And your DH would still be its father - would he want parental responsibility? Frankly, your DH would be absolutely mad to oblige - there are just so many things that could go wrong, and so many complications that could ensue. Tell friend that while you’re both touched that she thinks highly enough to want DH to be the father of her child, for the sake of your friendship, your DC and your marriage, you will have to decline. If it’s the end of your friendship, better than the end of your marriage.

This is a hard NO.

Total overstep. totally not okay.

The messiness is crazy to think about.

What did your husband say? Does he want to be your best friends kids dad?? Surely that feels weird for everyone.

Absolutely not. I've seen it happen.

No, that is far too messy. She was being very unfair to ask you this.

Her child would be your children's half sibling. So it's far too complicated. So it would be a no from me.

Another thought - your friend may be willing to sign paperwork now, but none of you know how the law may change in future. Perhaps in 20 years a new act of parliament gives sperm donor children rights over their biological parents’ property or other things. No one has a time machine to know

This is one of the dumbest things I ever heard. She's not quite the friend you think if she is asking for your husband's sperm.

So she is expecting you to watch her raise your husband’s biological child (your children’s sibling) All while maintaining your usual friendship.

She really shouldn’t have asked this of you.

no way. The potential for this to go horribly wrong is huge.

Apart from that I don't think I could feel the same about my husband if he cheerfully agreed to impregnate another woman and have nothing to do with his child afterwards. That wouldn't be the man I wanted to marry.

No.

It's a dreadful idea. She's lost her DH and is trying to fill the emptiness by getting your DH to provide her with a baby to love. And once it is here she will obviously expect him to provide emotional, practical or financial help to her and the child.

She's insinuating herself into your relationship in an utterly appalling manner, knowing that you will feel awkward saying No. And that you are hardly going to ignore her and have nothing to do with the child.

It's messy, it's weird and if she wants a baby she needs to seek out a properly organised donor through a professional agency. Not like this.

How would your dh feel having no say in the child's upbringing, if your friend made decisions he disagreed with? Being able to see the child at social events but not being acknowledged as Dad?

It's such a terrible, terrible idea.

Oh and I don't think your friend is doing as well as you think she is if she thinks this is a good idea.

Not a chance. Way too many complications and emotions involved. Can you imagine trying to explain that one to your kids. She needs to use a sperm bank.

Absolutely wouldn’t be for me.

Hard no. If she's truly your friend she'll have no problem with that and won't argue or try to pressure you or make you feel guilty (if she does do any of those things you'll know it was absolutely the right thing to refuse anyway!).

And yes if she was ever struggling, either financially or in some other way, of course it'd be your dh she'd call.

Is she the kind of friend who has always flirted with your partner, imitated your clothing style, etc?

Most women have had a friend like that... do not give her an inch

Terrible idea. The child deserves to know who their dad is and how is that going to work out?

This is a very bad idea, since it creates an opportunity for stress in a good friendship / relationship. She should use a normal
anonymous donor and not jeopardize your relationship.

its ok she asked
its ok you say no
you'd be watching this kid grow up looking like your hubby