My Best Friend Asked My Husband to Be Her Sperm Donor. I Honestly Don't Know How to Feel.

[sofia67]

I'm 34, my husband is also 34, and my best friend is 34. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. My husband joined our friend group when we were teenagers, and we've all basically grown up together. My best friend married one of our classmates, and my husband has known her just as long as I have.

My husband and I have two kids. Four years ago, my best friend's husband died in a tragic accident after they had only been married for a year. It completely changed her life. She went through severe depression, trauma, and even had suicidal thoughts. With therapy, support, and a lot of hard work, she's now doing much better and has built a great career.

Recently, she asked me something I never expected.

She wants to have a baby but doesn't want another romantic relationship. She said she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character. She asked if my husband would be willing to be her sperm donor.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

The thing is... I wasn't angry. I wasn't offended. I just felt this strange knot in my stomach that I can't explain. I honestly don't know if that's because it's crossing a boundary, because it's such a huge lifelong decision, or because I simply never imagined being asked something like this.

I'm not looking to end a friendship, and I'm not accusing anyone of having inappropriate intentions. I truly believe she's asking because she trusts us.

I think it crosses a boundary that I wouldn’t be happy with.

Perhaps if it was the only chance of motherhood but donor sperms are checked so I really don’t see why she can’t get an anonymous donor. My best friend and her wife used donor sperm from America and they have pictures of the donor and information. Very successful and their children are wonderful.

I think your friend, whilst I’m sure is trying to get the best outcome for her, is being unreasonable by asking you. I think you need to say no.

I couldn't do it, I couldn't separate my friend having his child without feeling like yous were technically one big family. It wouldn't be fair on your child not knowing he has a half sibling who has likely been around them as they grow up, with you all being so close. It's just too messy, too close to home, too many secrets

I didn't read it as she has any emotional or flirtatious pull to your husband. She's emotional, vulnerable and close enough to recognise your husband has good qualities, he probably isn't bad looking and just wants what she feels robbed off. I'd be weirdly complimented that she saw my husband as that but heartbroken that she's missed out on her own happy ending.

Absolutely this.

Her past trauma is very sad but this is a big glaring sign you shouldnt trust this woman.

She doesnt give a shit about your boundaries or your feelings. She isnt a friend and I suspect you will find this out in time.

True. At least I’d hope he wouldn’t.

But if the friend was a nice person, she would never have asked (or considered asking), so am not sure where that leaves OP.

And what would the child make of this, when it's old enough to know?

I have been asked the same thing - and our answer was no. Whilst we really felt for her, we couldnt be neutral about a child that was biologically my husbands. The child has a right to know who their father is, and how on earth do you explain to a child why your husband parents these children but not them? We felt that that would be too damaging to the child.

Ask yourself how you would feel about it if she were gay and seeking a sperm donor to bring up a child with her wife. Is it the fact that there will be a child that is upsetting you or the fact that your husband will have a baby with a single woman? I can see why she would want to have sperm from a trusted friend. You all need to think carefully about it.

No and in a private arrangement the donor is the father, legally. There is a huge misconception that if you call yourself a donor you somehow waive your legal responsibilities and it’s just not true. It’s only in the case of going through a clinic that you aren’t the father

This. I mean one day the child will inevitably ask and so she either has to lie and say she doesn't know who the father is (and face the consequences when the say comes that the lie falls apart) or she tells the truth and the child then cannot process or comprehend why their father is dad for another set of kids and not them. Having this close friendship makes this all worse not better because of these situations as you will have frequent contact rather than an anonymous donor. This will inevitably lead to so so many questions from the child and confusion (or deception if they are not told the truth). Awful idea

no no no no no no no to infinity.
will lead to lots of issues with your kids and the child (if it works).
not fair on any of them
not fair on you etc...

Are you for real? She's put OP in an impossible position.

I can understand why she asked and wouldnt be offended. But it is too complicated for you, your dh and your own children and her to have this new child grow up along side you as family friends.

What if dh doesnt agree with decisions she makes for dc? What if she tells the child as they ask about their dad? How will that impact your children? And how could you and dh watch this child grow up with this as a secret?

Hard no from me, terrible idea and way too complicated.

What did your Husband say?

I agree she's overstepped. But it's not an impossible situation. OP is well within her right to simply say no. No further discussion needed. A friend who would ask this of you is not much of a friend at all.

If your husband isn’t a registered sperm donor how does she plan to get pregnant? Natural conception? Weird

Your "friend" has thought this out. She's been thinking about your husband fathering her baby or babies (do you really think this will stop at one?) and thinks it's reasonable enough to ask you to share him with her. Because she will say the right things about signing papers and no strings but that's bullshit. This would be a private donation arrangement and he could be considered the father under the law. What she wants is a husband and father share. What that does to your kids, or you, or your husband, that's not a problem for her. She's out to meet her wants and that's all she's considering.

That kind of extreme entitlement and self centeredness is for sure not coming from a healthy place. Talk to her about getting more mental health care ASAP.

There is no kind of win for you here. There's no way your kids benefit.
You're smart enough to see that, that's why you felt that sinking feeling. You know your friendship will never be the same because she crossed one of the biggest boundaries there is, trying to have your husband have another family with her.

This is about as fucking nuts as it gets. Irrespective of what the three grown ups think this has a life changing impact on your children. There's helping your mate out and there's prioritising her over your children.

Go for it, what could go wrong

I agree. The only reason why it might be a good idea could be if she wants her kids to be siblings with yours or for you guys to adopt if she dies. But your husband would probably want to coparent if it was his which is such a blurry boundary. I’d say no but prnise to support her as a solo mum and be hands on fake auntie to the baby

Whilst I sympathise with her awful situation, it’s awful of her to even ask and put you in this situation. It’s massively overstepping and inappropriate.

It’s an awful idea all around. Massively unfair on you, DH, and your children.

Given you guys are closely in each others lives I think you need to think through how you and Dh will feel when the child is upset it doesn’t have a dad, or if your friend is honest about where child has come from why Dh is your kids Dad but doesn’t want to be their Dad. Because that is likely what the child will feel and are you prepared for that eventually?

Why? She's not gay, so it's immaterial what DH might do in a completely different situation.

She should not have asked and it’s okay for you to feel whatever you feel now that she did ask. The child would be your children’s half sibling…. It would be so messy I’m surprised she would even think it was appropriate to consider.

Not in a month of Sundays. I’d be offended that she put me in that position of even asking me.

Absolutely not. Beyond the huge issue of him having a baby with her; her idea also means the baby won’t have a father..or not easily anyway.. I think it would gnaw away at you and your husband. It’s a terrible idea. She’s foolish for having asked because you’ll never forget this and it sounds like you are good lifelong friends..

Absolutely not