My Best Friend Asked My Husband to Be Her Sperm Donor. I Honestly Don't Know How to Feel.

[sofia67]

I'm 34, my husband is also 34, and my best friend is 34. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. My husband joined our friend group when we were teenagers, and we've all basically grown up together. My best friend married one of our classmates, and my husband has known her just as long as I have.

My husband and I have two kids. Four years ago, my best friend's husband died in a tragic accident after they had only been married for a year. It completely changed her life. She went through severe depression, trauma, and even had suicidal thoughts. With therapy, support, and a lot of hard work, she's now doing much better and has built a great career.

Recently, she asked me something I never expected.

She wants to have a baby but doesn't want another romantic relationship. She said she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character. She asked if my husband would be willing to be her sperm donor.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

The thing is... I wasn't angry. I wasn't offended. I just felt this strange knot in my stomach that I can't explain. I honestly don't know if that's because it's crossing a boundary, because it's such a huge lifelong decision, or because I simply never imagined being asked something like this.

I'm not looking to end a friendship, and I'm not accusing anyone of having inappropriate intentions. I truly believe she's asking because she trusts us.

No

NON
NEIN
NO

NEVER
NEVER
NEVER

I don't think that many people have called the OP's friend a bad person.....misguided maybe and making a big ask without thinking it through. I am guessing that your niece didn't get the sperm from her best friend's husband so hardly the same though. I do think though that asking has changed their friendship forever and probably not for the better.

The audacity. Wow.

There are lots of reasons I think this wouldn't be a good idea but I suppose it's no different than the time me being someone's surrogate was floated. I just said no and that was that. As long as she lets it go and doesn't bring it up again, I hope this won't affect your friendship going forward. That would be a shame.

No. Absolutely not. It sounds as if you have a wonderful friendship and marriage - this would ruin everything.

If you want to see your marriage end, go ahead.. ..
Your husband might say now that he has zero interest in PR but just wait until the first scan, the bump, him suddenly wanting to attend appointments etc. Then there's the birth., middle of the night, I didn't know who else to call panic phone call .....
Definitely do it if you want the share your husband with another woman and see him split his time between two families. It would be like an ITV drama!

That's a stretch and rather harsh. 🤔

No, not a chance! She can have whatever she wants signed but if you are all best friends how is your DH supposed to look at his child and not be involved.

I don't think it will work. What if she parents in a way he finds 'bad' will be want to 'help'

When it comes to future planning for your own DC, will that include his other DC?

If it was me and my egg there is no way I could see someone else raise my biological child. I also could not watch my best friend raise my DHs child

@sofia67
It doesn't matter that you're not sure what you're actually feeling
Tell her no???
Don't let the fact that she's a widow and a "friend"
Cloud your judgement about this
If she's had therapy and is "well" again
Though I'm seriously doubting this
She could socialise and meet someone
Or even though she's not keen
Go to a reputable sperm bank
Why she has to sleep with your husband I don't know
And your indifference I feel is giving her "carte blanche" vibes
She's talking about trust
I say lust
Sod what she says about legal bits of paperwork
She's a predator
Who knows you've a good partner so you'll have to keep her away from him, and your
two smashing kids (how ARE they going to feel?)
So get her out of your life now
And don't let her guilt trip you
And don't ever leave her alone with him
Your friendship is SO over

Absolutely no way. I can’t believe she asked tbh.

This! They would be half siblings and in each others lives. The child would know your husband is their father and want the appropriate attention.
inappropriate in the extreme

I can't imagine how your DH (and you) could see his child frequently but not have any parental feelings. It's a great compliment to your DH but it would put a huge strain on the friendship and your marriage. I understand your friend doesn't want another romantic relationship just now but her feelings will probably change. If she hadn't been tragically widowed, just hadn't met the right partner to start a family with, would you even entertain this?

Why she has to sleep with your husband I don't know

I very much doubt that’s what she wants. Sperm donations don’t involve sex.

Love the pearl clutching here 😂

She asked, and you can say no. How she responds to that is the indicator of who she is as a person, not that she asked in the first place.

Her asking is a sign she wants to do the right thing by a hypothetical future child - using a known donor is preferred by a lot of people that need sperm or egg donation to conceive - but it needs everyone involved being okay with it to proceed. You're not, and that's fine.

I don't know whether someone has said this yet, but I do wonder what would happen if you split from your husband.

It feels like you feel you have an obligation to not stand in her way of happiness. You aren't but I believe this is asking too much eg her happiness in a situation you would at least from time to time, and probably far more often, feel miserable about it.

Absolute hard no. She needs to find her own sperm donor

no way! it wouldn’t work on so many levels.

That hard knot you felt was your gut, your intuition screaming No.
you have your answer x

It'd be an easy 'hell no' from me.

You and your husband don't have to do this. There are lots of ways to be a good friend.

Sounds like you're entertaining the idea, it's obviously your decision to make.

I would not agree to this, your kids will be brother/sister, your DH will have another child.

Your, DF needs to find an anonymous donor, end of.

You have two children.

They are the only ones you need to consider. Imagine the shock and hurt and just awfulness they'd experience finding all this out. Hell even if you were upfront with them about it it would still be traumatic for them.

Do not do it.

Are you a poet? This is quite a read.