My Best Friend Asked My Husband to Be Her Sperm Donor. I Honestly Don't Know How to Feel.

[sofia67]

I'm 34, my husband is also 34, and my best friend is 34. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. My husband joined our friend group when we were teenagers, and we've all basically grown up together. My best friend married one of our classmates, and my husband has known her just as long as I have.

My husband and I have two kids. Four years ago, my best friend's husband died in a tragic accident after they had only been married for a year. It completely changed her life. She went through severe depression, trauma, and even had suicidal thoughts. With therapy, support, and a lot of hard work, she's now doing much better and has built a great career.

Recently, she asked me something I never expected.

She wants to have a baby but doesn't want another romantic relationship. She said she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character. She asked if my husband would be willing to be her sperm donor.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

The thing is... I wasn't angry. I wasn't offended. I just felt this strange knot in my stomach that I can't explain. I honestly don't know if that's because it's crossing a boundary, because it's such a huge lifelong decision, or because I simply never imagined being asked something like this.

I'm not looking to end a friendship, and I'm not accusing anyone of having inappropriate intentions. I truly believe she's asking because she trusts us.

Perhaps the traumatic events your friend has experienced make it feel harder to say no, but your family and marriage must be protected. There are other ways she can pursue this and if saying no causes a rupture in the friendship it gives you a clear indication that this plan would have resulted in far more complex consequences down the line.

Doesn't matter what she says or signs the baby will won't to know its Daddy at some point in the future

She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

A child born in these circumstances already has all the rights which the other children of the OP's husband has. The exclusions only apply if official donor agencies are involved.

The friend cannot sign away her child's rights.

The list of reasons why this is a terrible idea, is very, very long. It would be madness to agree to this.

This would totally change the relationship between you and your husband.
You would become her "puppet"!
I understand her desperation to have a child or to fill the gap in her life but she has already crossed a red line.
Because she has known both yourself and your husband a long time, then she should have the common sense to know that she cannot appropriate your husbands sperm or his DNA.
You would be in an endless loop of emotional conflict that is not beneficial to your well being.
She is being either lazy or calculating.

Exactly - she can sign whatever papers she likes. Won't make a jot of difference. As far as the law is concerned he is the father and this child is entitled to exactly the same from his as his other children.

I think it is appalling idea, unfair on you and on the child. Nobody has a right to a child and however she feels now, she may well meet someone in the future and change her mind about having a relationship.

Just tell her it's not on.

It's not a question of "feeling the need to step up" He has a legal obligation to support his child. Informal "donor" arrangements don't change that.

This should be an absolute no. What has your DH said? He might think he’d be fine with it but once that child is here you’ll practically be a throuple. This has the potential to destroy your marriage.

The child is entitled to be supported by him from day 1

I have been in this situation but was asked to donate my eggs to my friend. It was a hard no. She was very upset. There was absolutely no way I could watch a child being brought up who was biologically half mine. It was completely unreasonable to ask me.

It wasn’t unreasonable to ask any more than it was unreasonable for you to refuse.

I agree with you. It’s a ludicrous request.

what happened to the friendship?

I think it could put a bomb into your relationship with dh and your friend. I can’t imagine he could let his child grow up without knowing him as a dad. Your children would be related. Best friends can change there could be a different motive underneath. That knot in your stomach listen to it, it is probably anxiety.

Replace "sperm donor" with "father her child" because that's legally what is happening. She could claim ££ from him. He might decide to be increasingly involved, more than you are comfortable with (or she's comfortable with). I have a friend who did this with a gay friend who was supposed to have nothing to do with the child, but then changed his mind once he saw the kid and has been a pain in the bum. It's a minefield, hence why anonymous is so common.

I think you should shut this down OP.

Apologies if this has been mentioned, but it seems a teeny bit 'single, white, female' to me.

Euphemisms like "sperm donor" and "egg donor" need to die out. They're really just ways for people to airbrush biological parents out of the picture for their own comfort. An egg donor is a genetic mother. A sperm donor is a genetic father. She's asking your husband to father her child. It's crazy.

I've only read the OP and her answers.

I'd steer very clear, what would happen if your DH went ahead and once the DC was born decided he wants to be more than just the sperm doner.

Could you cope with him spending time out with just your friend and their DC.if that were to happen?

This is crazy.

Of course you know how to feel.

Tell her to fuck off. Then keep fucking off. And then fuck off, a bit further, forever.

Oh and if yourdh is even entertaining this ludicrous garbage, he can fuck off too.

You won't though, so welcome to hell.

No. No. And thrice, no.

Just because you've been friends since you were 5 doesn't mean she can ask this of you. It's emotionally manipulating. A real friend would never put you in a position like this. What was she thinking?

This. And yes, we need to use the correct language. If you give birth to a child you are its mother. If you give away eggs and sperm and they are used you are a genetic mother or father.

Of course she wants the security of a man who she sees regularly and likes a great deal and considers great father material to father her children. And if she can get the clueless OP involved, even better for her, they can all live in a nice big middle class kibbutz.

It won't all end up a horrible, entangled mess at all, disrupting OPs kids and ruining her marriage to pander to her unstable friend's wants. Honest guv.

I believe the "friend" was thinking she's not stable or well enough to have a romantic relationship, but she's keen on having a kid, so she'll insert herself into someone else's marriage with a man she already likes who is good father material, and they can both support her, help her raise his child and it will all be sunshine, lollypops and rainbows, until it's not.

It's one of the worst ideas I've seen floated on mumsnet, and I've seen some terrible ideas here.

I can’t imagine any scenario where I would ask this of one of my friends and their husband.
Equally I’d be appalled if anyone asked it of me and my (hypothetical) husband.

No bloody way OP, it would be a disaster.