My Best Friend Asked My Husband to Be Her Sperm Donor. I Honestly Don't Know How to Feel.

[sofia67]

I'm 34, my husband is also 34, and my best friend is 34. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. My husband joined our friend group when we were teenagers, and we've all basically grown up together. My best friend married one of our classmates, and my husband has known her just as long as I have.

My husband and I have two kids. Four years ago, my best friend's husband died in a tragic accident after they had only been married for a year. It completely changed her life. She went through severe depression, trauma, and even had suicidal thoughts. With therapy, support, and a lot of hard work, she's now doing much better and has built a great career.

Recently, she asked me something I never expected.

She wants to have a baby but doesn't want another romantic relationship. She said she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character. She asked if my husband would be willing to be her sperm donor.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

The thing is... I wasn't angry. I wasn't offended. I just felt this strange knot in my stomach that I can't explain. I honestly don't know if that's because it's crossing a boundary, because it's such a huge lifelong decision, or because I simply never imagined being asked something like this.

I'm not looking to end a friendship, and I'm not accusing anyone of having inappropriate intentions. I truly believe she's asking because she trusts us.

‘No.’

I think, no im uncomfortable with that is reasonable.

I dont think shes a bad friend or you need to be worried beyond this to deeper feelings.

But irrespective of what she says now.. what if DH bonds with his child, how will you explain it to your kids about their sibling, what if she struggles financially irrespective of the legal position.

I think telling your DH or your friend you cant do it is reasonable.

NO NO NO!!! And the absolute cheek and audacity of her suggesting it!

Seriously you need to distance yourself from her NOW Op because she is way too familiar and comfortable with you and your husband. She may try to start up an affair.

It’s borderline abuse for her to put your husband in this position. If a man was asking his mates wife to have a baby for him he would rightfully be flamed.

I can understand why she thinks it’s a good idea but it’s absolutely the worst idea in the world. Do not be persuaded otherwise.

There are so many reasons why - what if your husband disagrees with how she is raising the child. What if the child prefers you and your husband (because you have to be honest with the child that your husband is their father, you can’t lie about that). Further, no matter how much I trust my husband and my best friend I would never let them create something that relates an intimacy like that. It’s asking for trouble.

This is fucking weird and you’re being oddly defensive in your replies OP so why make the post asking for opinions?

It’s not ok and the friendship would be over for me. If my husband did this I would seriously divorce him.

She’s also a liar. I have a few friends that have used sperm donors and they get extensive info on the family health history and character, jobs etc.

Shes trying to recreate YOUR FAMILY. Do you seriously not think that’s crazy and weird?

If you do this expect it to be extremely hard on your children wondering why they have a half sibling that they don’t live with and why they have different mums (and people will think your husband had an affair). Or the actual donor child is going to be hugely resentful they don’t grow up in a home with their Dad. It’s one thing having a sperm donor for a Dad, but it’s actually cruel to expect a child to be around your husband and to know him and to deprive them of having him as a proper dad figure. Whilst they see your kids have him as an involved Dad Has anyone thought about the child here?

This is so fucked up. Your husband is weird if he’s even considering this. Your friend is bonkers.

Treating OPs husband like a stud horse.

Trust your gut. Definite no.

So what was your husband’s reaction and response @sofia67?

Nope. Absofuckinglutely not.

A signed document would not make the child no longer your husband's child. Children deserve to know their parents if at all possible. It's a completely bizarre idea and I don't understand how anyone could even consider it.

I'm sorry, but no, I just couldn't. She doesn't have to have an anonymous sperm donor. She can look for someone who has an excellent medical history. But having your husband's biological child is just way too much to ask, even if there are no chances of romantic feelings developing. He'll always know that's his child. It complicates all these relationships, and it's not a good idea.

This is a really good point that hasn’t been raised by pp.
If the DH best friend from childhood was tragically widowed and asked if DH’s wife would carry a baby for him, his sperm, her egg -can you imagine the outrage on here?
As pp said, the are not just ‘ingredients’ to make a baby

Yes. Quite insulting.

What does your husband want? If he doesn't want to, then it's a non-issue.

In terms of your feelings – given you don't feel comfortable with it (and neither would I!) it seems reasonable to tell her that you wouldn't be okay with that, and she'll have to ask someone else.

I think it's a bad idea. It could create complications – given you'd see the child frequently, would your husband be unable to stop seeing the child as his? Would he want to be involved? What if you disagree with how she's raising the child? What if something changes and she moves away/you fall out? Also, your existing children will have a half-sibling who isn't raised as one. And I do think it's possible that, once pregnant with your husband's child, alone without male support, she might end up wanting to lean on him throughout the process – not necessarily in a romantic way, but still in a way that impacts negatively on your marriage.

It sounds as though it has the potential to get very messy, and ruin a friendship and/or marriage.

Your DH will be liable for child support. Your friend’s child may well want to know his or her father later in life and that could cause issues too.

And do you tell your own DC that they have a new half sibling? If so, when? And how does that work with what your friend might want (if she wants to keep that link from the child)?

So many ways for it all to go horribly, horribly, wrong.

I used a sperm donor, via a vetted& approved clinic
they complete ALL medical checks /even family history. & then medically match you up, to prevent medical issues with any potential baby & pregnancy.
you can see photos from your child to current age, voice note/letter, interests, morals and so on.
so tbh that ‘part’ of the reasoning doesn’t make sense in the slightest,
what has your husband said?
It’d be a big no from me , as hard as that may seem, it’s too big of an ask x

Chat GPT thinks this is likely to be an AI generated post or a fake, made up scenario.

I couldn't possibly comment. I have zero opinion on this.

The idea that he can have some kind of distant relationship with the child (by proxy as the mother is apparently one of his best friends) but not be the acknowledged father or play a parental role in it's life is breathtakingly selfish and naive. She's not thinking of the child at all.

Does it matter?
This is an anonymous forum.
People might well make up fictional situations without AI assistance.

You 'don't know how you feel' about it?

Come ON! This is never gonna end well.

I am surprised at the responses here. She asked and you can say no. I don’t see that she is necessarily being a bad person for asking. A lot of people use donated sperm. A lot of people donate their eggs too.

It is also likely that given she wants a child without a male partner she has been looking into resources on the internet and read about other mothers doing this. I think it’s sad that she is being judged by so many posters on here. My niece has a baby via donated sperm and she is a lovely mother as is her partner. Unfortunately the journey to being parents was complicated for them.

Just tell her no and she can investigate other options.

Absolutely not. High probability of being riddled with problems.

Will your DH be able to emotionally disconnect from a child he sees with some regularity?
If your friend finds herself up shits creek financially or becomes unable to work at some point would your DH be able to ignore the fact that this child goes without things his other children have, or will he feel obliged to step in and provide?
Will you tell your children and be happy to facilitate a relationship between them as siblings?
If you don’t and they find out in future from the other child, are you willing to risk the potential fall out?
If neither party tells their children and they develop romantic feelings for eachother in 18 years how will you navigate that?
If the child develops a health issue and needs a kidney from your DH would you be content with him donating knowing it then wouldn’t be a possibility should your own children then develop the same thing?
Would you be ok with the fact the child can make an inheritance claim, leaving your own children with less?

What would happen if she was in an accident and died? Who would take the DC? I'd tell your DH you don't like the idea and don't want him to have DC with anyone but you.

Is this for real? 🤔

She will have more medical history and information from a proper clinic then your husband has.
She is thinking of herself but it's completely unfair on your children regardless. To have a half sibling about will be hugely confusing for them.
What has your DH even said about this proposal?