Partner broke up with me after birth. Homeless now!

[Jasmine93]

Im so so sad and haven't stopped crying for days. Had my second baby with partner of 4 and a half years 4 weeks ago and on friday he said he doesn't love me, wants to break up and is so scared hes gonna be forced to marry me and spend his life with me just to see his kids which is so unwarranted and that the sex is terrible and it takes him so long to cvm etc.

We have our first 4 day holiday coming up on friday and after that ill be moving into homeless with the kids as i live with him and he will have them 3 days a week. I feel so blindsided, he was the one who wanted a second baby. I even asked him last week if he still loved me and wanted to be with me because my gut said something wasnt right and he lied to my face and said yeah. Now hes asking me is all im gonna do is cry all day.

Just so scared about the future, a life without him, being alone with the kids for the first time, being homeless, the massive amount of debt i am in and how will i pay it on a single income, thinking of him moving on and i just dont know how to stop overthinking. He does all the shopping and picks up my first child (not his) and drops her off on weekends, she lives really far from us in a rural town which would be really difficult for me to do on buses and trains and walking. He also does the school runs for my second child (our first) because i have severe agoraphobia going outside and anxiety.

My daughter calls him dad, i worry about how she will take it as well as she has adhd and autism. My second child is also adhd and autism but the most severe kind, hes non verbal and so difficult to look after, never sleeps, always putting himself in danger, destroys everything, doesnt eat, doesnt communicate in anyway at all. And now i have a newborn who is up every 30 minutes. I am exhausted, mentally and physically drained and the worry is tearing my anxiety up. I am in love with him and it just hurts so much.

Ive completely tanked my credit score helping us out of bad situations so i couldnt even get any more loans to help repay some debt and buy things i will need while being homeless and none of us have savings. I dont have a job to fall back on as im self employed with a press on nail business that is commission only and dont have orders right now as my previous customers have been american but shipping to america is so high and everyone just ghosts me when they find out the shipping cost 😞

I just don't understand how you can see your partner in so much pain just a few weeks ago to bring life into this world for you and you turn around and tell them you dont love them at all. Hes just made my life so much harder and i wish if he was gonna do this, it would have been before we had another child together. I had to drop out of uni this year to focus on my pregnancy because i was so unwell, it just feels like i get the bad end of every deal.

Does anyone have any advice on how i can stop feeling so fkn sad and mourning this relationship and our life together? 💜

Is the home in his name? Why do you have to move out?

Yes its his home x

Yes its his home x

Did you take debt to pay for his household? Any repairs or contributions to the mortgage?

You may need legal advice.
Hang in there. You'll get through this.

So you have 3 kids - 2 of them his? And your eldest doesn't live with you full time?

Do you have any family that you can stay with? He will have to pay maintenance for the 2 kids that are his.

Ask for a better deal in the name of kindness..
Ask partner if you can all stay living together until the baby is two. Rationalise that you need sopport to parent while the baby is young. It is best for all children that you recover and do not move out until you have finished uni. Respectfully live with each other while you prepare for separation.

You will need a job and a home.

Contact Women’s Aid or a solicitor and get some advice. Even if it’s his home It’s possible you could apply for an occupation order to let you and the children stay there for at least a while. It’s appalling he’s trying to make you homeless with a new born.

wow, what a prince amongst men. Assume he’s not having the newborn 50-50. You don’t have to allow that, no court would give 50-50 for a newborn, they need to be with their mother.

No the debt was for car repairs and it just got worse and worse as he couldnt get any credit so it all landed on me, about 30k left to pay now and i am on benefits. He is on benefits too and works part time on weekends. He told me to either go back to my self employed job and make some money or get a real job. His house is through a housing association x

Yes that is correct, my daughter lives with us Friday to Monday morning and every holiday. Its another reason im worried about homeless and not being allowed to have her over as when i was previously homeless, they wouldnt allow her to stay and i barely got to see her.

Unfortunately i have no family i speak to or friends, im very isolated due to my own mental health and major struggles with going outside. He doesnt earn enough so maintenance would be maybe 20/30 quid a month x

Wow. So he squeezed every last penny out of you then dumped you.
Im so sorry. He's a bastard.

I really dont want to stay here after he broke my heart, he did say i could stay and coparent but i really dont want to be in the position of being kicked out at any moment, id live in constant anxiety or trying to get back with him because i am a weak person and i love him too much and our family and the future life we were building together for our kids. He is also at uni.

We are both doing a similar degree to become investment bankers and i knew our debts were only temporary and our money issues would be resolved once we break into our field. But now that dream is gone, idk if i can continue with uni on top of everything right now, ive already failed the year as it is as i didnt turn up to any of my exams because i had such bad uncontrolled HG while pregnant x

Wow. Firstly, unless you are in danger, do not move out, see a solicitor urgently, as someone else said, you may get an occupation order, if that fails, ring shelter, you’ll be a priority to be housed by the council and shelter will help with that. Secondly, he can fuck right off with having the newborn three days a week. Not going to happen, newborns need their mothers. Third, look into a debt management plan, or even bankruptcy. Your credits shot anyway.

And lastly, tell him from me, he’s a cunt.

Thank you, its not him, its me, he did say if i go homeless i wont have my kids with me as he wont let me take them but how could i not, i have been a sahp for the entirety of their lives while hes worked either part time or full time over the years with very little breaks where he was in between work and they only know me full time.

I know its probably better for the kids to stay together in the same house but i also think wouldnt it be better to just rip the bandaid off its inevitable that ill have to leave at some point and i couldn't imagine the pain if he got another partner while im living with him and the constant eggshells and anxiety not knowing when ill be kicked out. I dont think i could be a very good parent living in constant anxiety.

I just cant trust him anymore and would never want to get back together with him after what hes said and done and im too weak because i love him id probably go back again and again.

Do not move out.

Apply to the court under s.36 of the Family Law Act for an Occupation Order. Given you don’t have any legal right to live there it is unlikely to be a long term solution and (unless he has been abusive) the court is unlikely to exclude him from the house. But you will likely get an order stating he has to allow you to live there (6 months is typical but with such a young baby you might get longer).

You do not need a solicitor to apply for this order (though obviously it is easier if you have one). You use form FL401 which you can download from the government website.

I wish you well.

I assume, in your situation, you had additional support throughout your pregnancy?

You have mental health issues, don’t leave the house, a non verbal autistic child and have been homeless before, correct? Did you midwives and antenatal team know this? If so, I would recommend speaking with them, and your health visitor or any assigned social care team to get some support with your children in the immediate time.

Sorry. I cross posted with you. You have said you don’t want to stay in the house. I understand why not but, in my view, it’s very unwise indeed to move out so rashly. You are putting yourself at risk of losing care of your children.

Stay in the house for a bit to give yourself chance go make a plan and take some debt advice. Don’t be bounced into homelessness.

I sure know how to pick them. Im gonna be single for life after this 😭 i dont know if that stands as my milk has completely dried up this whole week with the stress, im so sore down below after birth and engorged and nothing is coming out the pump since Friday night, baby is now having formula instead of breast milk, ive also always told him id never not let him see any kids we have if we broke up.

Honestly cant believe I've wasted nearly 5 years of my life with a guy who knew deep down he didnt love me but waits until after we have another kid that he wanted to let me know. He says hes gonna have more kids with someone else in future because i am a terrible partner. My life was already hard asf with two autistic adhd children, why let me have another baby and then leave me. Life would have been so much more simple without an addition.

Im literally sleeping 30 mins to 3 hours max a night and its brutal. He sleeps 12-15 hours a day, i dont know how hes planning on getting up with the newborn alone x

It doesn’t matter if you are breastfeeding or not OP, a court is still not going to take a newborn away from its mother. That is not in a baby’s best interests.

Im actually so worried i wont be able to get a mortgage now in the future for my children if i have to declare bankruptcy or get help from debt services. Its completely derailed my future life plans x

😭😂 thank you 🙏🏻 ill definitely ring shelter next week or maybe just before the holiday and see what they can advise me to do. I honestly wish i could just have my kids alone full time but hes on the birth certificate and hes already told me if i get nasty with him and dont let him see the kids, he will go for full custody and make up lies to the court as he doesnt have a criminal record. I dont really either, just stupid things when younger like fighting, not wearing a seatbelt etc

Thank you for your response, i don't think im thinking clearly maybe, could you tell me why many people think it's best to stay here? He has only hit me one time in all the years, hes mainly just nasty with his words, i am very quiet and shut down when he shouts and he hates it and tries to get me to cry or respond before hes satisfied x

What a sad situation, why you had a second child with him is beyond me you have got one that together already that had serve needs that undoubtedly takes up a lot of your time and then you have a child that your partner has to run to and from I presume their biological dads. Add in to that you own mental health struggles and not working not the mention the huge debt you are in.

Everyone is slating this guy and what he has done is shitty and he is clearly an idiot however he sounds to have been doing a lot to support you running a child that not his around and you have agoraphobia which must be hard you but cant be easy for a partner either.

i wonder if he has met someone else, just with the comments clearly said to hurt you (not loving and about sex) almost like he wants you to leave and end the relationship.

OP, you are panicking.

take a deep breath.

this morning, get in touch with your housing department at the council and explain to them that you have been made homeless. You should also tell your health visitor so they don’t hear it third hand. you then need to make sure you are receiving the correct benefits. Presumably you are receiving maternity allowance, universal credit and child benefit? Make sure you are clear you are no longer in a relationship with him - his benefits will reduce if he’s a single man so he’ll have to get a proper job then can pay you some maintenance.

do not make any promises to your ex DP - he isn’t entitled to have a newborn 3 days per week. In fact, don’t speak to him at all - he’s told you he doesn’t love you and he’d like you to leave; there’s nothing else to say.

stop worrying about pipe dreams - I say this kindly but being an investment banker with three young children - two of whom are SEN - is not realistic so don’t throw more good money after bad with regard to the degree. If you’ve nearly finished then it’s different, but consider other careers. You’re nowhere near getting a mortgage with £30k of debt and no income so don’t even worry about that right now.

He sounds like a total loser OP - you’re well shot.

If you are at uni speak to the student welfare officer regarding your housing situation and get some debt counselling to see if they can sign post you to assistance, or a woman's refuge.

I don't know how realistic your plans for a career in investment banking are, especially if your current debts make bankruptcy a serious risk.
. Do you have contacts in this field that could help you make the right choices now,?