Partner broke up with me after birth. Homeless now!

[Jasmine93]

Im so so sad and haven't stopped crying for days. Had my second baby with partner of 4 and a half years 4 weeks ago and on friday he said he doesn't love me, wants to break up and is so scared hes gonna be forced to marry me and spend his life with me just to see his kids which is so unwarranted and that the sex is terrible and it takes him so long to cvm etc.

We have our first 4 day holiday coming up on friday and after that ill be moving into homeless with the kids as i live with him and he will have them 3 days a week. I feel so blindsided, he was the one who wanted a second baby. I even asked him last week if he still loved me and wanted to be with me because my gut said something wasnt right and he lied to my face and said yeah. Now hes asking me is all im gonna do is cry all day.

Just so scared about the future, a life without him, being alone with the kids for the first time, being homeless, the massive amount of debt i am in and how will i pay it on a single income, thinking of him moving on and i just dont know how to stop overthinking. He does all the shopping and picks up my first child (not his) and drops her off on weekends, she lives really far from us in a rural town which would be really difficult for me to do on buses and trains and walking. He also does the school runs for my second child (our first) because i have severe agoraphobia going outside and anxiety.

My daughter calls him dad, i worry about how she will take it as well as she has adhd and autism. My second child is also adhd and autism but the most severe kind, hes non verbal and so difficult to look after, never sleeps, always putting himself in danger, destroys everything, doesnt eat, doesnt communicate in anyway at all. And now i have a newborn who is up every 30 minutes. I am exhausted, mentally and physically drained and the worry is tearing my anxiety up. I am in love with him and it just hurts so much.

Ive completely tanked my credit score helping us out of bad situations so i couldnt even get any more loans to help repay some debt and buy things i will need while being homeless and none of us have savings. I dont have a job to fall back on as im self employed with a press on nail business that is commission only and dont have orders right now as my previous customers have been american but shipping to america is so high and everyone just ghosts me when they find out the shipping cost 😞

I just don't understand how you can see your partner in so much pain just a few weeks ago to bring life into this world for you and you turn around and tell them you dont love them at all. Hes just made my life so much harder and i wish if he was gonna do this, it would have been before we had another child together. I had to drop out of uni this year to focus on my pregnancy because i was so unwell, it just feels like i get the bad end of every deal.

Does anyone have any advice on how i can stop feeling so fkn sad and mourning this relationship and our life together? 💜

I would advise you do not move out. Obviously if you or your children are in danger you need to move - but if not stay in the home until you get proper advise. i know you do not want to stay there but the alternative is not good, so stay strong and stay where you are for now. Get proper legal advice before making any harsh decisions.

If you can show where this loan money was spent you might just be able to get him to help with payments. Was any of it transferred directly into his account

Or the screenplay for a rather far-fetched film. Maybe take a creative writing course rather than an “investment “banking” one?

• don't have any more children with any more men
• get help for your agaraphobia ratger than just accepting it - this is a blocker to employment and independence
• Investment Banking course sounds like a scam . Also investment bankers, real ones are in the office from 6am to 10pm.
• stay single if you cannot pick wisely.

I’m so confused…..

I wouldn’t be handing over a 4 week old baby 4 days a week though, that is madness! Does he not have a job?!

Its normal that the courts wouldn’t suggest long times with a young baby until around 2.

I assume you aren’t breast feeding….that was the historical reasoning for the 2 year thing.

This set up sounds chaotic.

With £30k debts, OP could probably get a Debt Relief Order. It's like a mini bankruptcy and all debts are written off after 12 months.

I don't think you can just apply though, when former clients needed one they used to get CAB or similar service to make the application.

This would be great for the OP as she'd have a clean slate in not much more than a year.

Contact your local authority and present as homeless, they will put you in emergency accommodation & then temporary accom till they can house you.

Not today but contact a debt charity like step change for help with the debt. Trying to pay off 30k whilst on benefits must be beyond stressful. Personally wouldn’t have been having more children in that situation but can’t be helped, it is what it is so do what you have to, to help yourself.

after that, please look into help for budgeting etc to try and avoid that debt spiral again.

Just do what you need to do to secure a future for you & your kids away from that useless waste of space.

There are people who can offer you immediate help & advice

Your midwife & doctor
Can provide you with food vouchers & child related goods
Provide contraception

Your university welfare team

Ref debt
https://www.gov.uk/debt-advice

You need to be strong for your children & not rely on your ex

I am going to add

You have recently given birth, so you & your child are at your most vulnerable point in life.

Your ex has been most cruel & unkind

Please seek some professional help via your doctor, midwife & university today.

This is easy to say but you need to slow down. Then you need to get a notebook and a pen and write down everyone you are going to contact to help you. Student support at Uni, Council housing dept, family support at your local council (benefit advice) any family or friends, your GP, SENDISS at the council. You have three children and you need to calmly and logically get all the help you can get because your children need you to be proactive.

I mean this kindly but why bring another life into the world when you’re suffering from severe mental health problems. What kind of a parent did you think you’d be? What kind of life could you give your children adding your precarious financial situation and circumstances?

You need urgent help from Cafcass and social services. Do you have a health visitor assigned to you who you can contact?

With the OPs and her partner’s level of debt, extensive use of benefits and mental health issues no financial services institution would be taking them on.

There are rigorous background checks applied - (including medical history) - people suchst the OP won’t get FCA approved.

How does this help, she’s had the baby, she can’t shove it back in.

Is any of this actually true?

It would be quite the fairy tale to go from benefit claimant stick on nail technician with massive debts and agoraphobia to investment banker. So good luck with that OP.

We are both doing a similar degree to become investment bankers and i knew our debts were only temporary and our money issues would be resolved once we break into our field.

Eh? Have you any idea how much screening there is for that type of job? And the conditions?

She's said a lot of things. Including he has told her to stay and co parent. He hasn't made he homeless just ended the relationship. There are genuine abused women who can't flee because there isn't anywhere for them to go, no space in a shelter or they will have to travel many miles for a safe space. @Jasmine93 Isn't going to move is she?

I don’t actually know how benefit claimants can get into 30k of debt, that much credit would not pass the checks.

op has interest escalated ?

Sounds like such a tough situation.. Please straight away seek legal advice on your situation
https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

Talk to women's aid.

I wouldn't make yourself homeless and not take your kids, i'm sure it will be much harder to get housed as a single person.

Time to get your ducks in a row, don't simply do as he tells you. From now on wouldn't discuss what you plan to do with him at all.

With regards to finances, apply for bankruptcy ASAP. We have been in the position where it was the only option for us in the past. The relief is incredible! Your credit score will already be terrible so you may as well go for it. All those monthly payments will be gone, sometimes you have to pay back a tiny bit a month for a few years.you need a better financial position for you and your kids if you're going to be independent.. If you don't do this then money is going to be too much of a barrier for you to be able to set up a new life for your little family. It could be a risk given what you are thinking career wise, but like you said uni hasn't gone well and it's not likely then that you are going to be in a position to qualify any time soon given the current situation.

It seems like you have become very reliant on him, and I expect that he's manipulated that situation for a reason. He actually sounds emotionally abusive from some of the things you've said. He has royally screwed you over now he will move on to his next victim.

Do you have any family or friends that can help you to navigate the situation?

Are you claiming all of the benefits you're entitled to, in your own name?
Things like UC, dla for your children who have additional needs etc. I expect he wants them 3 days a week to minimise what he will have to give you with regards to maintenance.
It sounds very messy hence the need to speak to professionals before doing anything at all.

You can do this! Dust yourself off and take control back.

You're not going to be an investment banker, my family member is one and it's not something you can degree in and then get a highly paid job immediately. You would need an excellent degree from a good university to even get a foot in the door to begin training for industry exams etc. And he works all hours under the sun, and has no children. So don't get hung up on it being a missed opportunity. Maybe set your sights on a more realistic career once you are housed and have childcare options. I wish you all the best.

We have our first 4 day holiday coming up on friday

You need to cancel this.

So much of this is utterly unbelievable.

A stick on nail business where the nails are in the UK but the customers are all in the US?!

Together for 4.5 years but have a child old enough to have been at school already?

Able to get £30k in credit whilst being on benefits?

Studying goodness knows what to become an investment banker? An industry known for being not at all family friendly and requiring long working hours and intense stress when you are already dealing with mental health challenges.

Massive debts, no savings or security but going on a holiday with 2 disabled children and a baby that is weeks old and has not had any vaccinations yet?

Allowing a partner to sleep for most of the day while you struggle with managing everything else including shared custody and 2 disabled children and then not taking sufficient precautions to ensure no more children come along.

Living somewhere where you are entirely reliant on someone else to facilitate contact with your eldest child.

Allowing any unsupervised contact with a parent that isn’t even awake long enough to be an active parent when those children are severely disabled and a tiny newborn?!

It’s worse than a soap opera.

Adoption is an option.

You’re not going to become an Investment Banker with a criminal record and likely bankruptcy. This has to be a wind up.

OP register as homeless with the local council right now, do not let him have the baby 3 days a week that is not suitable for a newborn and probably not for your older child either given his ND. Apply for UC right now too as a single parent - you don’t need to be living apart. Apply for CM right now too. Get an advance from UC to help you.
Also you are very vulnerable right now and this is highly abusive of him - please speak to women’s aid.

Do not stay there OP. Do not leave your kids with him. Ignore his threats. Speak to women’s aid. Go to your local council with the kids and tell them he has evicted you. Please get away from this vile man.