Partner broke up with me after birth. Homeless now!

[Jasmine93]

Im so so sad and haven't stopped crying for days. Had my second baby with partner of 4 and a half years 4 weeks ago and on friday he said he doesn't love me, wants to break up and is so scared hes gonna be forced to marry me and spend his life with me just to see his kids which is so unwarranted and that the sex is terrible and it takes him so long to cvm etc.

We have our first 4 day holiday coming up on friday and after that ill be moving into homeless with the kids as i live with him and he will have them 3 days a week. I feel so blindsided, he was the one who wanted a second baby. I even asked him last week if he still loved me and wanted to be with me because my gut said something wasnt right and he lied to my face and said yeah. Now hes asking me is all im gonna do is cry all day.

Just so scared about the future, a life without him, being alone with the kids for the first time, being homeless, the massive amount of debt i am in and how will i pay it on a single income, thinking of him moving on and i just dont know how to stop overthinking. He does all the shopping and picks up my first child (not his) and drops her off on weekends, she lives really far from us in a rural town which would be really difficult for me to do on buses and trains and walking. He also does the school runs for my second child (our first) because i have severe agoraphobia going outside and anxiety.

My daughter calls him dad, i worry about how she will take it as well as she has adhd and autism. My second child is also adhd and autism but the most severe kind, hes non verbal and so difficult to look after, never sleeps, always putting himself in danger, destroys everything, doesnt eat, doesnt communicate in anyway at all. And now i have a newborn who is up every 30 minutes. I am exhausted, mentally and physically drained and the worry is tearing my anxiety up. I am in love with him and it just hurts so much.

Ive completely tanked my credit score helping us out of bad situations so i couldnt even get any more loans to help repay some debt and buy things i will need while being homeless and none of us have savings. I dont have a job to fall back on as im self employed with a press on nail business that is commission only and dont have orders right now as my previous customers have been american but shipping to america is so high and everyone just ghosts me when they find out the shipping cost 😞

I just don't understand how you can see your partner in so much pain just a few weeks ago to bring life into this world for you and you turn around and tell them you dont love them at all. Hes just made my life so much harder and i wish if he was gonna do this, it would have been before we had another child together. I had to drop out of uni this year to focus on my pregnancy because i was so unwell, it just feels like i get the bad end of every deal.

Does anyone have any advice on how i can stop feeling so fkn sad and mourning this relationship and our life together? 💜

I am 33, i know they want fresh graduates straight out of uni and im like spoiled milk lol but i am planning on going the extra mile to stand out with additional qualifications with cfa or cisi on top of masters, do you have any advice on what stands out, id love to hear any advice you can give as im serious about this. Im also planning on doing as many internships as needed to network and hopefully get hired. Also the masters i am aiming for is in a top 30 uni worldwide, University of Edinburgh. I would also consider private equity or hedge funds x

Why are you talking about masters when you've already dropped out of the course?

How are you going to do intern work when you have agoraphobia?

Exactly. Plus you said you’re in Scotland but doing a remote degree at an English university?!! Studying may be free in Scotland for Scottish people but doesn’t transfer to England, surely?! Or everyone would be exploiting this loophole.

I think you’re making this up as you go along to wind people up online. How the fuck is your partner going to do a masters when he can’t be arsed to work more than part-time at weekends?!

my husband works in finance in the City and there is no chance anyone with a Jeremy Kyle-esque background with criminal records and lost custody, not to mention the conveniently optional agoraphobia and £30k debts is going to sell you to any investment bank.

maybe the pair of you should just concentrate on getting off benefits and out of council housing first?!

How are you going to do a MSc in Edinburgh with a non verbal autistic child at home? You have no clue how hard and time consuming a Masters will be. Even the Chartered work and exams are gruelling when you don't have children. OU degrees aren't looked at equally, you will need a 1.1 Hons to even compete.

Whether you pay the debt down or not, the FCA are unlikely to look past getting yourself into 30k of debt in your 30s.

Learn to drive as a priority instead of unrealistic goals. No doubt either you or your child gets mobility on ADP/DLA giving you 40 hours free lessons to get a motability vehicle. No more expensive car repairs putting you further in debt and your poor credit rating won't affect you getting one.

@Seymour5 Her ex won't have to pay bedroom tax at all. He lives in Scotland.

@RubyQueues The OU isn't an English University. It's remote learning and a degree is a degree from there. If doing it full time the benefit would be a shorter degree than doing one in Scotland, where our bricks and mortar degrees are 4 years.

People with an income of under £25k get their University fees paid in Scotland. They must have been resident in Scotland for two years prior to enrollment and continue to live in Scotland while studying.

You are right about the rest though, highly competitive finance work in Edinburgh here wouldn't touch either of them. Especially with zero employment for the last 5 years as SAHP. You forgot the conveniently thrown in ADHD too.

I mean this kindly, OP, but I’m in HR, in finance, have ADHD and have an OU degree as well and this isn’t going to happen. Even with the most amazing social mobility schemes around you aren’t going to get through the first sift. And even if you did, you’re going to need a serious support network to actually do any sort of investment role around childcare.

This is a crazy suggestion. He's not going to want to live with her for 2 more years after what he said.

This will affect both their mental health.

He wants to move on... that's clear.

If this is real, which I doubt, then as as an ex-investment banker I'd say you need to differentiate between "working for an investment bank" and "being an investment banker". There are all sorts of back office roles in the former which at a stretch some of which you might be able to apply for, but absolutely zero chance of the latter.

It’s really concerning that this man is verbally abusive and has hit you before. What he is doing now is cruel.

Many of the responses here are about your dreams and you seem to be focused on these dreams perhaps to give you hope of escape from your situation. But you need to work out how to act now, faced with this current crisis and make sure you and the children are safe and housed.

Please talk to a domestic abuse charity right away and get specialist advice. Verbal abuse, emotional and psychological abuse are all abuse. Hitting you ever is also not OK. You are vulnerable and have no support network.

It’s not important in the immediate to talk to people online about whether your long term aspirations are realistic or not. You have come from a difficult background and are dealing with so much that people here have never experienced and don’t understand. Don’t worry about that or long term plans. Take the step of getting support. You could talk to your GP or health visitor about the situation and say he has hit you in the past and that he is verbally abusive and is threatening you that he will take the children with full custody. The GP can help you access your local domestic abuse services.

"Im hoping when i can to get back to making nails asap and keep working to clear my overdrafts because that is the route of all evil, i took over drafts before starting my degree and didnt know how bad they were and how id be paying interest every month while it didn't go down."

I'm sorry, you're saying you're doing a finance degree and hope to become an investment banker?? If this isn't all a big delusion I think you could do with some serious careers advice to give you a but of a reality check.

More likely an admin assistant in a finance department.

So would a history of homelessness/ financial vulnerability, debt, agoraphobia and kids with extreme needs all over the place.
I suspect op has been sucked into one of those ‘learn to trade/ become rich’ courses as I really struggle to see how she has been accepted into university from what she’s told us.

I think with investment banking there is not always a way, despite the will. Your circumstances make you incredibly ill suited for this career so I’m not sure why you are pursuing this. You won’t get on a masters at Edinburgh if you failed your year at your current university and even if you did, doing a masters at a prestigious institution doesn’t make up for a mediocre bachelor’s degree. I think you need a bit of a reality check and get a realistic job to start clearing your debt.

She’s studying with the OU which is incredibly accessible and a great thing to do for her future. It’s just that the destination she desires is on a different planet.

Op, I mean this gently, you say accounting is a back up option for you, can you look at realistic options going forward?

I understand you’ve a desire to be an investment banker, I assume as it’s lucrative, but this is a very difficult field to break into, it maybe better to set yourself some other goals as well,

I understand you’ve failed the first year of your course as you didn’t sit the exams, are you able to resit, will you retake the year, can you get funding? As I am confused by your comment that uni is free in Scotland but you’re studying in an English uni, even distance, as for free education it has to be with a Scottish establishment.

Ah ok that makes sense.

I'm in a top profession though not finance and I often see this kind of thing from people like the op among others.

What I mean by people like the op is those with extremely difficult personal circumstances. Maturing age, which is not necessarily a barrier.But that combined with two children with special needs.The third is likely to have them as well, financial problems mental health issues they think, they'll sail straight into my profession. The wont even make it through the first sift.

My assistant has stellar qualifications, only twenty four, no children, no mental health issues and she hasn't managed to secure a training post and is giving up on the career completely. If that's what happens to people with top qualifications in my profession, what do you think that happens to those with personal circumstances like the op.

I don't know why people often choose the top.Most difficult and demanding professions when it's just not going to work. You need to sort out your immediate housing needs your financial problems.And some social work support and debt management advice.

I have to say that having very poorly managed your own finances.I don't think that investment banking is the right choice for you. Can't even manage your own finances let alone advise others how to.

@Jasmine93, what with your MH issues and the awful situation you are in, are you able to look after your DC? Your eldest DC that you have access to, cannot continue to be brought in to this situation, Friday to Monday, can they? Hopefully that DCs home life is more stable and for the time being should not be coming to you, surely.

Because you have a 4 week old, you are under the care of a health worker. Make them aware of your situation. Is she aware that you are agoraphobic?

You are clearly in a state of panic, not sleeping, you are clearly distraught. But in the interests of your DC you have to take some responsibility and action.

Please try to calm down, do not run away, make space for yourself in the home you are in. Unless the man you are living with is a risk to you and your DC, you have to make it your immediate shelter until you can move to somewhere else.

Distance yourself from this man. Do not talk to him, no more domestic chores for him, just for yourself and your DC.

Spend today privately calling all of the relevant organisations that are available to you.

Calm down, keep you children close to you, look after them and start preparing for a new future that will get you all out of this terrible situation.

Take and use the advice that is being given to you on MN.

I wish you all the best 🫂 priority is keeping yourself and your kids safe. Take one step at a time and make sure you look after yourself through the next few days/weeks. Eat well, sleep, and do some gentle stretching and movements. This will help with your MH and focus. You can do this, I promise, I am a survivor of DA/DV and left with just a bag. I didn't have DC then, but it is possible. Kind people helped me, and there are always options, even when you feel completely trapped.

The OU is not an English university.

Yes it is, it’s in Milton Keynes,

It is a UK wide university that happens to have its HQ in Milton Keynes. Accepts Scottish funding if income under £25k.

Let me google it for you.

university.open.ac.uk/scotland/