Partner broke up with me after birth. Homeless now!

[Jasmine93]

Im so so sad and haven't stopped crying for days. Had my second baby with partner of 4 and a half years 4 weeks ago and on friday he said he doesn't love me, wants to break up and is so scared hes gonna be forced to marry me and spend his life with me just to see his kids which is so unwarranted and that the sex is terrible and it takes him so long to cvm etc.

We have our first 4 day holiday coming up on friday and after that ill be moving into homeless with the kids as i live with him and he will have them 3 days a week. I feel so blindsided, he was the one who wanted a second baby. I even asked him last week if he still loved me and wanted to be with me because my gut said something wasnt right and he lied to my face and said yeah. Now hes asking me is all im gonna do is cry all day.

Just so scared about the future, a life without him, being alone with the kids for the first time, being homeless, the massive amount of debt i am in and how will i pay it on a single income, thinking of him moving on and i just dont know how to stop overthinking. He does all the shopping and picks up my first child (not his) and drops her off on weekends, she lives really far from us in a rural town which would be really difficult for me to do on buses and trains and walking. He also does the school runs for my second child (our first) because i have severe agoraphobia going outside and anxiety.

My daughter calls him dad, i worry about how she will take it as well as she has adhd and autism. My second child is also adhd and autism but the most severe kind, hes non verbal and so difficult to look after, never sleeps, always putting himself in danger, destroys everything, doesnt eat, doesnt communicate in anyway at all. And now i have a newborn who is up every 30 minutes. I am exhausted, mentally and physically drained and the worry is tearing my anxiety up. I am in love with him and it just hurts so much.

Ive completely tanked my credit score helping us out of bad situations so i couldnt even get any more loans to help repay some debt and buy things i will need while being homeless and none of us have savings. I dont have a job to fall back on as im self employed with a press on nail business that is commission only and dont have orders right now as my previous customers have been american but shipping to america is so high and everyone just ghosts me when they find out the shipping cost 😞

I just don't understand how you can see your partner in so much pain just a few weeks ago to bring life into this world for you and you turn around and tell them you dont love them at all. Hes just made my life so much harder and i wish if he was gonna do this, it would have been before we had another child together. I had to drop out of uni this year to focus on my pregnancy because i was so unwell, it just feels like i get the bad end of every deal.

Does anyone have any advice on how i can stop feeling so fkn sad and mourning this relationship and our life together? 💜

Didn’t want to read and run but equally know I’m not about to win any feminism awards. You can of course be a strong independent ‘you got this mamma’ but that’s not the vibe I get from your post and I’m going to give you the advice I’d give a friend in the same situation.

Nobody feels like they are in love in the trenches of post partum and little kids (I had 2 under 2 and my youngest recently turned 5, hubby and I just said the other day how we feel like we can finally stand each other again and are starting to fall back in love) so this isn’t some criticism of you my dear this is 100% your partner not being mature enough to realise this is just part of the deal and shut up and get on with it through the rough patch. I’m very very sorry he’s done this to you because it’s completely unacceptable.

Heres what I would do…. Sit him down (control your emotions honestly poker face) tell him you know it’s rubbish atm and a mess and you agree separating is the best but it’s a bit of a mess with very small kids, you don’t want to get into child support/custody fights etc. Suggest you carry on living together ‘for the kids’ but that you’re more than happy for him to have it off with anyone he fancies. Ask him not to tell you about it just whilst your emotions settle post birth but basically he can have a free pass. Tell him once the kids are a little older you’ll both go your own ways with no animosity and you’ll be grateful for his parental support and being a parent team during this time.

Id be surprised if he declined. It sounds like this is a physical thing for him tbh. I suspect he will change his mind further down the line and by the time the kids are a bit older may not want to actually separate, but never ever forget what he did to you in your most vulnerable time! I would get your ducks in the neatest row you can and prepare to leave as soon as you can x

Additional support from who? Yes i was homeless before when i only had one child and by the time i got pregnant with my second child i had started living with partner. Im not sure if they knew about it but the GP did. Everyone knows about my non verbal child. Im on a long list regarding support for my son. Ive tried everything i can and its taking so long to get a paediatrician never mind anything else. We have tried slp therapy, occupational therapy, disability support worker at nursery, without paediatric nothing is moving forward. Hv said she was at a loss on how she can support us as the previous things she did, they all just discharged him from under their care. Im no longer under the care of mw, she left two weeks ago x

Your situation sounds very complicated. Am I right it summarising it as:

1. You have 3 children, one who stays every weekend and school holiday, one who is severely autistic and adhd and the newborn.

2. who does your eldest live with the rest of the time?

3. you’re aggrophobic to the extent you don’t leave the house.

4. you’re studying a degree to become an investment banker, as is your ex? (Never heard of a degree for this btw).

5. you’re in £30k debt

6. you have zero family or friends you’re in contact with.

7. neither of you work in substantive roles.

OP - if this is real then you need to wake up. What sort of environment is this for the kids? Your mental health needs to come first, you can’t spend the next 40 years inside your home. You need to seek help for this and work hard to get your life back. This is number one priority.

When baby is old enough, you need to work. Not selling press on nails to the American public, a proper job with stable income.

You need to talk to a money advice service about getting the debt reduced and made more manageable. Worrying about a future mortgage is silly as it seems extremely unlikely you’ll ever be in the position financially to have one.

You can get through this. First step is to talk to your GP I think about your mental health and a housing organisation.

Because if you leave you’re making yourself voluntarily homeless, and your young children need stability not you panicking. He needs to be doing his fair share so you can sleep & recover! Contact the council and explain the situation, make a universal credit claim for yourself, don’t leave. You’re a grown up you can be pragmatic here, your romantic relationship is over but you have 2 kids together and it’s better to stay put for now until you have a plan. Is your 4 year old at school/nursery? If so I’d wait till they’re back in school after the holidays and you have some time to make a plan and get things right. I am so sorry you’re in the situation you are you do not deserve it.

I’m surprised if he was a single man, before he was with OP, he got a house from a housing association. Normally they are allocated to families. If you moved in with him as a couple, it should be in joint names. @Jasmine93 might be worth talking to a housing officer from the HA and telling them the situation. If he’s on benefits and you and the children move out and you get the child benefit, he won’t get his full rent allowance, often referred to as ‘bedroom tax’.

OP, you say he's only hit you once but is nasty with words. His behaviours and the way you are reacting tells us he is clearly abusive. You don't love him, this is trauma bonding.

The most important thing right now is the safety of your kids, and you. You phone your local council, tell them you are homeless dye to abuse. The homeless team will liaise with a DV charity and find you either a refuge of emergency accommodation.

This is not about love or blaming yourself. Your MH struggles will partly be down from living with this man.

Go get help, for your kids.

I’ll repeat this. No court will give joint custody of a baby. You think they haven’t met men like him before who make up lies? Seriously there is no way i’d be giving 50% custody of a newborn to a man who left me days after the birth. I would not be allowing overnight for the baby for 6 months min and there’s not a judge in this country who would grant 50-50 for a small baby. So it’s your choice if you want to, but it will be a choice.

First thing is a house or somewhere to stay
Family?
Talk to the ither childs dad about the change of circumstances can he do thr travel or postphone it if u must?.
This is heart breaking for you.
You need to surround yourself with a supportive oerson or people fast.
Get on a benefit of you must
I am sure you can work out abudget but dont stress to much..easily said.
I am sure once you get settled hopzegully work your way through..
A man can give you the flick it is no reflecrion on you or so called crap sex...oh please ignore it.
I would be on the phone reeling in any help and advice.
You are not alone you have many choices and opportunites a man isnt worth losing your value over ever.
Grab the phone and contact someone fast.
I is exhausting to think about now but possible.
Unbleievable how cruel aan can be i have to say.

We are both doing a similar degree to become investment bankers

This was the bit that made it all sound unbelievable. You don’t do specific degrees to “become” investment bankers unless you’re talking about economics or business studies or something. And investment banking for people in their mid 30s on benefits with multiple children, one with a disability, sounds like one of the most ridiculous things I’ve heard. How were you and he planning on breaking into this competitive industry?

I think you are going to be in a difficult situation when you move out, an agoraphobic living in a homeless shelter with a newborn baby and an infant with additional needs. I would slow down with the decisions that you are making. He’s already said you can stay and it seems to me to be better to stay than it is to leave, Then you can seek support and advice whilst not living on the streets.

Honestly what were you thinking?! you have mental health issues an older child who doesn’t live with you , another with serious ND issues - come on OP take some responsibility for your actions here you are a grown woman. He sounds like an utter arsehole but what possessed you to have a 3rd child there really is no excuse. Leave him and go into sheltered housing.

Although she was at university and planning on becoming an investment banker along with having extremely serious debts, that would probably prevent her working in such a profession.

It's genuinely not going to happen, and I would quit the degree for a start and not waste any more money on it.

Careers like that come with considerable sacrifice and it sounds as if nobody was able to sensibly plan their lives to the extent they did one thing at a time. Focus on the career first then have more children. But no they didn't want to wait.

2 autistic children by 2 different men and a decision to have another one while studying for a degree to enter a profession, that's extremely unlikely to work out, the mental health issues would probably prevent that alone.

This third child is likely to have autism as well

I say this gently, but stop worrying about things that are never going to happen. Are not going to get a mortgage anytime soon you are probably never going to be an investment banker and the court won't give him custody of a newborn baby fifty fifty - they just won't.

Find somewhere to live or stay with him for a bit, but I think it's highly likely you're going to be a single mother on benefits for both yourself.And your children with all your multiple health issues long term.

Any threats or torment from this man..keep & send the texts or voicemails to a email folder.
Take no notice of bs and abusive comments..threats.
Dont get into it with him
Its a waste of energy and mind f* you need not be into at this time.
Seriously.

Totally agree. Also, going on a 4 day holiday whilst suffering from severe agoraphobia! Far too many inconsistencies to be true.

And if the DP is also a student how does he have a HA house in his sole name? And the OP is all like “I will be moving out into homeless”, as if a house would already have been allocated to her when she hasn’t left the home yet.
Oh and how was she planning on doing investment banking when suffering from agoraphobia.
This is definitely someone on the wind-up, as evidenced too by the apparent comments about the sex and how “he’s only hit me once”.

Why do people make posts up. Don't believe for a second this is true.

The investment banking bit is just jumping the shark. If this is real, you need to be more real. Learn a trade or get some childcare related qualification. Get contraception.

She also has a criminal record but just little things……

yeah. This one passed believable a few posts ago.

I know i did tell him when i got pregnant i didnt think it was right for us but he was so excited about another kid and was already making plans he was gonna do with his future kid. Our life was already hectic asf without an addition. I love my newborn but its exhausting and my toddler is already trying to hurt the newborn but he doesn't understand what hes doing so im constantly keeping them apart and home alone alot of the time

I know its exhausting for him as well to work part time, uni, my kid, our kid, newborn, toddlers struggles, sterilizing bottles and all the shopping and i really feel for him on top of my mental health cos we have a tesco next to our house and most of the time i wont even go there if he asks.

But i dont get a break, im trapped in my own head with barely any sleep, while doing all the cooking which is a lot because everyone has different safe foods here, all the admin, late nights, sick kids, packing all the bags, school bags, majority of the cleaning, lunches, getting kids ready for school, bath times, making sure the bills are paid, the food shop lists and keeping up with the never ending appointments and phone calls with health professionals which i do take my kids to all their appointments alone while i have uni myself and trying to work from home.

He gets to have a break at work, he gets time for a hot cup of tea while i drink mine cold over hours, he gets to have adult conversations and a laugh with his colleagues at work when the only adult conversation i have is with him and it consists of why havent i tidied this up yet or put this away yet. I know my agoraphobia is hard for him, but i had it when i met him and he was well aware of it.

Im not sure, maybe he is or maybe hes just exhausted but I dont check his phone and the one time i did i found out he had a whole nother relationship after i had my first son with him i didnt find out until many months later x

Hi all,
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so much of this doesn’t make sense! You work one part-time job between you and living off benefits but are at uni to became investment bankers?!! What university/degree is this please, as it doesn’t sound at all believable?!

where does your eldest child live, and with who, if she calls your partner of 4 years “dad”?

why on earth have another child with a toddler with severe SEN and £30k of debt, depending on benefits for the vast majority of your income?!

no investment bank is going to be queuing up to hire you I’m afraid. Your judgement and choices described here seem almost… unbelievable?!!

How are you affording university? Why did you have another child with him when you were already struggling financially and practically? How the hell do car repairs get to 30k? Why does agoraphobia stop you tidying up?

The stuff you do as a SAHM is exactly the same as most mums, some even work.

I can’t believe this, sorry. Hopefully no one is offering money in DM