Partner broke up with me after birth. Homeless now!

[Jasmine93]

Im so so sad and haven't stopped crying for days. Had my second baby with partner of 4 and a half years 4 weeks ago and on friday he said he doesn't love me, wants to break up and is so scared hes gonna be forced to marry me and spend his life with me just to see his kids which is so unwarranted and that the sex is terrible and it takes him so long to cvm etc.

We have our first 4 day holiday coming up on friday and after that ill be moving into homeless with the kids as i live with him and he will have them 3 days a week. I feel so blindsided, he was the one who wanted a second baby. I even asked him last week if he still loved me and wanted to be with me because my gut said something wasnt right and he lied to my face and said yeah. Now hes asking me is all im gonna do is cry all day.

Just so scared about the future, a life without him, being alone with the kids for the first time, being homeless, the massive amount of debt i am in and how will i pay it on a single income, thinking of him moving on and i just dont know how to stop overthinking. He does all the shopping and picks up my first child (not his) and drops her off on weekends, she lives really far from us in a rural town which would be really difficult for me to do on buses and trains and walking. He also does the school runs for my second child (our first) because i have severe agoraphobia going outside and anxiety.

My daughter calls him dad, i worry about how she will take it as well as she has adhd and autism. My second child is also adhd and autism but the most severe kind, hes non verbal and so difficult to look after, never sleeps, always putting himself in danger, destroys everything, doesnt eat, doesnt communicate in anyway at all. And now i have a newborn who is up every 30 minutes. I am exhausted, mentally and physically drained and the worry is tearing my anxiety up. I am in love with him and it just hurts so much.

Ive completely tanked my credit score helping us out of bad situations so i couldnt even get any more loans to help repay some debt and buy things i will need while being homeless and none of us have savings. I dont have a job to fall back on as im self employed with a press on nail business that is commission only and dont have orders right now as my previous customers have been american but shipping to america is so high and everyone just ghosts me when they find out the shipping cost 😞

I just don't understand how you can see your partner in so much pain just a few weeks ago to bring life into this world for you and you turn around and tell them you dont love them at all. Hes just made my life so much harder and i wish if he was gonna do this, it would have been before we had another child together. I had to drop out of uni this year to focus on my pregnancy because i was so unwell, it just feels like i get the bad end of every deal.

Does anyone have any advice on how i can stop feeling so fkn sad and mourning this relationship and our life together? 💜

And don’t wait a week to look into things with Shelter, op. Take control and start sorting things out. Now.

If it's any consolation you're not the only one that feels like they get the bad end of every deal, i do too, and so many more people out there are in the same boat, what he's done to you is unforgivable, and his comments are really hurtful, i think like anything this big it will take time for you to come to terms with it, but, you deserve much better so don't look back, focus on your children as they need you more than you need a dickhead man right now and in time everything will come good and hopefully you will be happy again. Big hugs.

He'll need to get a full time job then, won't he? He needs to pay a realistic amount of maintenance and take responsibility for the DC he has brought into the world, If he rents from HA, can you contact them and explain he is going to make you and your DC including a newborn, homeless? Does it really have to be him who moves out? Sympathies OP. 🌸

👏🏼

You say you were homeless before? Where were you sleeping during this time? What were you doing day to day?
No one can fix this online, you need to contact women’s aid and shelter, you need to contact your local house and seek temporary accommodation, you need to untangle yourself from him financially and emotionally

What kids are you getting ready for school? You don't have any school age kids living with you. How are you taking all kids to their appointments alone but also can't leave the house to go next door to Tesco?
What university does part time degrees for investment banking?

Just be mindful that bankruptcy would jeopardise employment in financial services sector

You rip the bandaid when you have an alternative. You do not.
Do not put pride above housing your kids. Temporary housing is not good. You could be housed with some very unstable people .Waiting until you have a job and secure housing means your experience and the experience for your children will be better.

Brilliant!

If you’re doing a degree op then I assume you’ll have a personal tutor? If so, you can also ask them for advice and make them aware of your situation.

MNHQ When is is against talk guidelines to say you have reported a thread?

OP, in a previous post, you already dropped out of uni. Just curious about what university offers an investment banking degree remotely in the UK? Given your agoraphobia, I’m assuming you don’t attend in person.

This. Also why is it against talk guidelines for people to ask perfectly normal questions about things that don’t make sense? There are more holes in this story than an Aero bar.

Surely, if people are going to give advice in good faith, it would be helpful to know if a poster is genuine or not? I don’t think it’s right that people aren’t allowed to question these things on Mumsnet without their comments being removed.

And MNHQ always say if you have concerns report a post rather than trollhunt… and yet my comment has been removed simply because I said I had concerns and was reporting it? It’s a no win situation.

I don’t think they even know their own rules half the time. There’s no consistency and they seem to just make it up as they go along.

Investment banker when you can’t leave the house and have a child who is non verbal with complex needs?

Excessive debt and a criminal record will prevent this never mind bankruptcy.

@Jasmine93 You already don't have your oldest child, you claim you have agoraphobia but you go out, your non verbal child is at school (he does the school run) and you're going on holiday while you have 30k debt, on benefits, not working, not at uni (even the OU degrees aren't running atm). You can't get a mortgage on benefits and certainly not woth debt in excess of your income. No judge will give him 50/50 for the baby but if you can't provide a home for them or a stable life and he can - he might get full custody.

Op are you able to clarify your financial position so we can help you? You mention you’re both on benefits but i believe there are certain benefits you can’t apply for if you’re a uni student.

Speak to the HA. I don’t have experience with HA but surely they’d prioritise a mother of young children over a single man who wants to kick that mother out. He’s on benefits so he can’t call you out for being on benefits. Tell him he needs a real job.

OP I’m sorry but nobody is going to hire you as an investment banker.

You have agoraphobia, a criminal record and debt as well as dependents that you already struggle with. Unpredictable training contracts and employment where you’re expected to pull sometimes 24 hour shifts or where your boss won’t release you to pick them up aren’t compatible with your life. And you’re not a good candidate to them. They want young, childless, solid, hungry workers willing to go without nights of sleep to make money and nothing that distracts from the game. That’s not you.

Present to the council as homeless and apply for all of the benefits and child maintenance you can. Eventually you’ll be eligible for 80% refunded childcare and can look to do some work. If you complete the degree it can help you get a different job that fits into your life.

The Open University does an Accounting and Finance degree, and being on benefits she would likely get free Access courses but a fee loan for a degree so wouldn't pay anything while studying. The only place that seems to do Investment Banking (most are Masters) is London in person.

Distance learning like the OU classes you as a part time student not full time. So they’re not barred from benefits in the same way as in person students. Only if they receive income in the form of loans or grants will benefits be limited.