Feeling pushed out of a long-term friendship group over an expensive holiday

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some honest advice and maybe a bit of perspective on a friendship dynamic that’s left me feeling quite sad.

I’ve been part of a close group of mums since our children started Reception together. We became especially close during lockdown and have shared some wonderful memories over the years. Originally it was very much a group of mums and children, but over time it’s naturally evolved into more of a couples’ friendship group.

I’m a single parent to my daughter, and apart from one couple who are currently separating, everyone else is now part of a couple. As partners have become more involved, I’ve increasingly felt like I’m on the outside. The couples often get together at each other’s houses, and the main WhatsApp group is largely driven by one particular couple who organise most things.

The issue that’s brought everything to a head is planning next year’s holiday.

We all went away together last year and, although there were lovely moments, I realised our holiday styles are actually very different. They love large, busy resorts with endless activities and a lively atmosphere, whereas my daughter and I are much happier somewhere smaller and quieter where we can explore local towns and beaches.

The organiser has found a resort that everyone else seems keen on, but because I’m paying for a room on my own, it would cost me and my daughter around £4,000. Most of the couples are paying around £2,500 between two adults and their children, so it’s a very different financial commitment for me.

When I mentioned the cost, I wasn’t expecting everyone to change their plans for my sake, but I had hoped there might be a conversation about whether there were other options that could work for everyone. Instead, I was told I could simply bring another friend to share my room – someone who doesn’t know the group at all. That left me feeling as though I was a logistical problem to solve rather than a friend whose circumstances mattered.

Life has also been quite difficult recently as my dad has dementia, so I think I was probably hoping for a little more understanding than I experienced.

I know people are entitled to spend their money however they choose and book the holiday they want. I genuinely don’t begrudge them that. I think what’s upset me is that this situation has highlighted something I’ve been feeling for a while – that as the group has become more couple-focused, I’ve gradually become less central to it.

I’ve muted the WhatsApp group because I found myself feeling increasingly hurt watching all the excitement about a holiday I simply can’t justify financially. Part of me wonders whether this is just a sign that friendships naturally change, and perhaps it’s time to step back from the group while keeping in touch with the individuals I’m closest to.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Am I being oversensitive, or does this sound like a friendship that’s simply evolved into something different? I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives.

I agree.
When I read this
" The last holiday we went on nearly gave everyone a mental breakdown,"

I just thought you are well out of this.

By the end of two weeks of feeling left out by couples and doing activities you are not really interested in .. I think you'd be climbing the walls and permanently never seeing anyone again. Ultimately, you've tried the two weeks holiday thing and its just too too long to be in a big group and whilst parts are fun, its not relaxing.

You don't have to do everything the group does. But don't just leave if you do get on with most of them. Why not organise an overnight spa stay with the other mums or a day or two camping near a beach in the school holidays.. just short short breaks... you could still get together without the ritzy and expensive luxe resort ( which can end up being really boring)... there are also some festivals which include children and are in forests, which sound really great.. again only for an overnight. Or even just plan a big school holidays out somewhere fun, with lots of stuff to keep them all occupied.
And keep in touch with the individuals of the group.

For £4k you and your DD could have a wonderful DIY holiday making memories together, maybe inter rail and exploring some cities and ending up on a nice beach.. might even be cheaper and a hell of a lot more interesting. Think of the fun the two of you could have planning it. Lots of big acts are touring Europe, maybe you could see someone you both really enjoy as one of the highlights. Don't spend your time feeling bitter about the group stuff. Sounds like a real drag anyway. Look forward to having a great holiday with your DD. Time really flies at this age and its a lovely time to spend together. Hope you have a wonderful school holidays together

I agree with this I'm afraid OP. This feels like you being sensitive about being single and feeling things are unfair when they aren't. You can't expect the whole group to change their holiday plans because of you. They suggested you bring a friend which I think is thoughtful and they are still including you. I thought it was going to be one of those awful situations where you were not invited on the grounds that it was a "couples holiday".
YABU,

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Everyone else should turn down the 5k holiday they really want and go camping with OP if thats what she wants?

You cannot be serious with this.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuffthank you for your lovely message ❤️

It’s actually only a one week holiday for that money 🤣 crazy hey!

I was actually thinking of a city break and a nice holiday somewhere quieter but more interesting. I was already looking today 😊

Have you been taking maths lessons from Trump? ‘100% attendance the majority of the time’ could mean they all show up to just over half the events!

But I know what you mean 😀

If this is her style and no one is challenging it there are probably other people who have some issues but keeping schtum. They might not be exactly the same as yours but I'm mentioning it because it's highly unlikely this group is as cohesive as it looks. I think you have to stop seeing this as a personal slight - it's a very common dynamic in groups. Try to focus on those people you still feel connected to and view them as individuals. Just because they're part of a couple it doesn't make it their whole identity. As far as finances go, it's not their fault single parenting is more costly and you either need to suck it up or don't. But I'd try to separate that in your head from the friendship stuff rather than letting it amplify your sense of rejection. It sounds like they the majority want you there if you can make it. Sometimes you just have to ignore the power couple as best you can if you want to stay part of the group and there is no appetite to challenge them.

I wouldn’t expect the group to go to a campsite!

last time I paid the money and we also stayed in a 5 star Luxury hotel, with literally nothing around it other than one or two massive hotels and that was it 🤣 I find it all a little weird, they are their own little man made towns that you don’t leave.

And yes my idea of a holiday is very, very, very different. I’m more smaller resort, mingle with other people from different countries explore the areas, eat out in little hidden restaurants, soak up the atmosphere. Then I feel I’m on holiday.

This thread is really helping, thank you.

I still feel very sad about how the dynamics have changed and the way it’s happened over time. That bit I’m having to come to terms with and won’t just disappear over night.

My idea of hell is going on a holiday at a resort when I like researching places pottering around accordingly. Sometimes doing big adventures too. Can you hang out with them at home but opt out of the trips? Maybe you’ve grown and need to branch out socially. Just some thoughts. You must be quite different to them, I imagine by your holiday styles.

I've caught up now and I think your decision not to go based on finances and type of holiday alone is very sensible. I'm with you and would absolutely hate that type of resort! I hope you can continue to enjoy friendships with the people you do gel with. 😊

It sounds like you and DD would not enjoy the holiday which is planned so don’t throw money away on it. Use your budget on something you will enjoy.

Personally I think you have been 'answering' your own questions as you've written your post! 🙄
There are many more cons than pros to the situation in that you are not even that fond of the type of holiday being planned and although I'm not really sure how you came to that conclusion, you feel that the 'costing' of the accommodation is unfair, plus all requests/suggestions for activities suited to you and your daughter's preferences have been ignored so it beats me why on earth you would even consider going at all?!
You need to accept that friendships of all types do evolve especially where larger numbers of people are involved and as this group is now definitely mostly 'couples orientated' perhaps it's time to move on and make new friends who you could have more in common with socially and financially?! 🤔
There is no reason to fall out with or lose contace with those in the group that you get along with and have known for many years but you cannot as the 'minority' in this instance expect the majority to cater to your needs and wants, that's not how the world works and as i previously mentioned, I think you do know that but now you have to accept it!!
Hope you work things out and eventually have a great holiday wherever you go and whoever you go with even if it's just you and your lovely daughter! xx😊

Just be honest and say you are not coming on the holiday due to it being too expensive for you. Then book your own holiday with your daughter

I genuinely have no idea why you’d want to go on this holiday anyway. You don’t like one couple, you didn’t like the last holiday, the way the organisers communicate annoyed you and you want to spend your time and money in a different way. You were never going to find a compromise in all this and I would guess they are all very aware you don’t like the couple and disliked the holiday. This in no way means you can never see any of them again and should have no bearing on your friendships if you don’t choose to make it a thing.

I have a lot of friends who drink beer and whiskey and go to beer and whiskey events and go out and drink beer and whiskey and talk about beer and whiskey. I hate both those things so never join in on that part of the socialising… but that doesn’t mean I can’t see them in other scenarios and talk about other things. It’s possible to have friends who only partially intersect.

It sounds like a nightmare, if you know you like doing different things to the group why on earth do you want to go? Friendship moves on sometimes, people I was really close to when my son was at primary school I haven’t seen for years and probably wouldn’t have anything common with them now. Book a nice holiday for you and you DD without any of the drama of a big group.

Now it makes sense. If it was me I'd make other arrangements if you can. For starters, you say it's not your kind of holiday & your money would be better spent on something more suitable for you both. And unfortunately friendships do change over the years ( speaking from experience) but this isn't a bad thing. We mature & change & priorities change too. Also, who wants to be bossed about?! Just be tactful & say. Good luck & have a super time.

I'd have just said it wasn't affordable for me as a single parent but great for a couple and kids, wish them a good time.

I don't see a problem with that, not everyone is able to afford things at different times.

Don't worry about it, you do what you want and can afford for your next year's holiday. Nobody will think anything of it.

Opt out and book your own holiday - something you can afford.

Sounds like you are better out of it. 1000 whatapps are not an option when you have a parent with dementia. I'm sorry you feel like this. I think you can see it's this one determined person driving it. Don't take it personally and count it as a lucky escape. You won't need that kind of stress in your life when it's meant to be happy event

They're not turning anything down. They're choosing to go on an expensive holiday which they know one of the friends can't afford. Not sure why your post is so nasty...maybe you've been in a similar situation when you've excluded a friend based on your own selfish desires..? Not sure what kind of a 'friend' you are but I wouldn't do that to a friend. That's just me. We're all different.

This. Why would you pay significant money to go on a holiday you actually don't want to go on?

I'd feel relieved to have a good excuse to not be a part of it something which by the sounds of it stresses you out, what with the ring leader's behaviour etc

Its unreasonable of you to expect everyone to cater to your vacation preferences, if EVERYONE ELSE, prefers the activity filled resorts.

No, they're paying £5k for accommodation and you'd be paying £4k

It seems you’re not willing to compromise though

Bring a friend or go in with the other mum who is divorcing. You seem to be expect g all the others to compromise their plans but you’re not willing to

Why does one person's desires trump everyone else's desires?

Not sure why you think thats nasty, or that I have selfish desires fgs 🙄

Sometimes my friends who have more money than I do plan to do some things that I can't join in because I can't afford it.

Not once have I thought it means they are leaving me out, or that I no longer wish to be part of the group, or that they are being selfish. They are enjoying the money they've earned. We'll catch up another time. I'll do something else.

That's it.

I think your best option is to do a bit of research of where you and dd would like to go then look at costs. You could invite lady who is separating from DH and their child and they might find they could afford that. You need to move quickly before lady agrees to expensive holiday. Just WhatsApp her and say this holiday is a bit out of your budget but you've found x holiday in X country for x £. Ask if she and her DC would care to join you instead of going on larger group holiday. Tough find going forward as you will both be single youigjt spend more time together doing things whilst couples go off and do their thing.