Feeling pushed out of a long-term friendship group over an expensive holiday

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some honest advice and maybe a bit of perspective on a friendship dynamic that’s left me feeling quite sad.

I’ve been part of a close group of mums since our children started Reception together. We became especially close during lockdown and have shared some wonderful memories over the years. Originally it was very much a group of mums and children, but over time it’s naturally evolved into more of a couples’ friendship group.

I’m a single parent to my daughter, and apart from one couple who are currently separating, everyone else is now part of a couple. As partners have become more involved, I’ve increasingly felt like I’m on the outside. The couples often get together at each other’s houses, and the main WhatsApp group is largely driven by one particular couple who organise most things.

The issue that’s brought everything to a head is planning next year’s holiday.

We all went away together last year and, although there were lovely moments, I realised our holiday styles are actually very different. They love large, busy resorts with endless activities and a lively atmosphere, whereas my daughter and I are much happier somewhere smaller and quieter where we can explore local towns and beaches.

The organiser has found a resort that everyone else seems keen on, but because I’m paying for a room on my own, it would cost me and my daughter around £4,000. Most of the couples are paying around £2,500 between two adults and their children, so it’s a very different financial commitment for me.

When I mentioned the cost, I wasn’t expecting everyone to change their plans for my sake, but I had hoped there might be a conversation about whether there were other options that could work for everyone. Instead, I was told I could simply bring another friend to share my room – someone who doesn’t know the group at all. That left me feeling as though I was a logistical problem to solve rather than a friend whose circumstances mattered.

Life has also been quite difficult recently as my dad has dementia, so I think I was probably hoping for a little more understanding than I experienced.

I know people are entitled to spend their money however they choose and book the holiday they want. I genuinely don’t begrudge them that. I think what’s upset me is that this situation has highlighted something I’ve been feeling for a while – that as the group has become more couple-focused, I’ve gradually become less central to it.

I’ve muted the WhatsApp group because I found myself feeling increasingly hurt watching all the excitement about a holiday I simply can’t justify financially. Part of me wonders whether this is just a sign that friendships naturally change, and perhaps it’s time to step back from the group while keeping in touch with the individuals I’m closest to.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Am I being oversensitive, or does this sound like a friendship that’s simply evolved into something different? I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives.

My friend and I go away together. I'm the one with a budget but she is the one with ideas (several choices every time). I book what we both agree on. We are both retired and no youngsters though. Experience has told me that the smaller the number of adults the easier it is.

It makes sense for couples who all like the same kind of holiday to go away together. If that’s not the type of holiday you like it would make sense for you to find other likeminded people to holiday with.

That sounds lovely to me. I'd opt out of the trips. I've swerved a few hen weekends myself.

Just stick to local events with the mums and enjoy your holidays without them.

Seems like the self appointed organiser has organised, with little input from others and most invitees(at least outwardly) are happy to go along with her plan.
I suspect that even if everybody had equal input into the event, that organiser woman would stick to her own plan, and go on her own rather than compromise her ideal.
Unless this is your sole option for going away then i'd drop it and say to them that youll go next year if the destination is more suitable

@dairydebris I get what you’re saying. But my situation is different, I think I explained earlier this is a culmination of events where I’ve felt left out, side lined and just forgotten about! So the holiday is a weird cherry on the top type situation. It means more than it actually is, if all was well elsewhere I’d not feel this way. I went for a walk from my DD tonight with our dog, I gently asked her how she felt if the other group go away next year together ans we do our own thing because I think it would be calmer and easier fine about it. Felt like such a relief because part of me was worried she would feel left out x

I was/ am always the single one. I would be sad but would not expect them to change their plans for me.

Why are you keen to go with them? If you and your DD could have a lovely break somewhere for half the cost, meet like-minded people and your DD can make new friends who have similar interests. Maybe take a holiday that's part beachy and part sightseeing as part of a group, Greece perhaps, teach your DD about Greek Mythology and get her interested in an ancient civilizations. There are so many opportunities and so little time that I'd be running away from the group as quick as my legs could take me.

Hey Op, I think you are doing the right thing. My partner and I love to travel and like you we like to explore and we go to fairly unusual places by most people's standards like Bosnia, Kosovo, Serbia, Macedonia, Albania, Romania, Slovenia Georgia, Azerbaijan...we get our flights and rent Airbnbs and it's vastly cheaper than the £4000! And we have made brilliant memories in these beautiful countries. You should also look up Gdansk and Budapest, two absolute beauties that I really love!
There was a time a few years back that friends wanted to holiday with us but it just wouldn't have worked, they'd never have wanted to walk about 10 mile away exploring with us and you don't need the nightmare of having to check with the other party or parties what they want to do each day and when and where they want to eat! It would start to feel oppressive to my partner and I to do that.

Opt out. This isn't a holiday for you. Be brace beat to your own drum. Do what makes YOU happy. Life is short.

I agree, I get annoyed when single people, usually women, assume that couples have more money. Sometimes they do, but sometimes they dont. I know a few single women who earn more monet than my husband amd me put together.

It’s a lot of money to spend on a holiday you wont enjoy. If you want some company then look into organised group holidays, I recommend g adventures- they do tours suitable for kids.

@Jstarr7I ❤️ this comment ❤️

How about pairing up with divorcing mum in future for holidays? Maybe not this time if her and her ex arw going together but in future?

The holiday sounds like hell on earth: a bunch of people who are all couples, plus kids, in some sort of an all-inclusive type scenario with "activities". You dont sound like you want to go - so why bother?

If they all like this and you are the only one who dont then its s bit much for them to change it just because of you.

'Sorry that doesn't work for me and DD and our budget, have a lovely time'

It is impossible to please everyone, even with just two of you and it is also an awful lot of work to take on the coordination of such a group

Single mum here. Yes. THIS. Couples can be really crass about their status and sometimes hostile. Their loss. You and your daughter know what you like and its not their mindless "entertainment." Those moments together will make your precious memories. Save your money, do what you enjoy, bin those bourgeois snobs.

I think it’s normal that single adults pay more for rooms they don’t share. I do.
you could either bring a pal (if you know anyone who wants to share with a friend and her child, I wouldn’t!) or go for half the time so it’s cheaper. Or you could stay in a more ‘you ‘ resort locally and just meet up with them sometimes.

I also think it’s fine to say ‘that’s not my sort of holiday’ without being quite so patronising about what they like. I am guessing my ideal holiday is closer to yours than theirs but I still wish my friends a fun time on an all inclusive resort or a cruise or an Antarctic adventure - all things I have 0 interest in but am glad my friends enjoy.

You can still be in the group, but don't go on the holiday. Honestly it sounds like you've a lot on so the hiday is overwhelming esp given the ridiculous cost.

Also do you arrange events? You can have more influence by suggesting events and organising them.

Be true to yourself & have the holiday you & your daughter prefer. Pull out of the group. The genuine friends will reach out to you & you can meet on your terms. Allow the rest of them to just fall away if they make no effort.

Well, I doubt the real issue is that you are just far, far too empathetic for your own good. 🙄 Whenever I hear someone declare how empathetic they are, I generally find the opposite is true.

But in any case, the holiday doesn't appeal to you (it wouldn't to me either) but everyone else in the group is happy with the option they've chosen. So you can either go with your DD, invite a friend to share costs as they suggested, or not go at all. I don't think anyone in the group has done anything wrong or unkind. It can be tricky to be a single person among a bunch of couples, no doubt. But in this situation, it doesn't appear that you are being excluded. Nothing cruel or nefarious is going on as far as I can see, based on your posts.

Op I had a very similar friendship, single parent, was just mums to start with then dads. Dads who also made no effort to talk as I held no status or value.. I could write very similar accounts to yours when you weren’t Invited upstairs.
It crushed my self esteem and confidence, and in the end because I didn’t go when dads were going as I was such a third wheel, as a consequence I started to not being invited to other events.

I’ve stepped away now and meets up are random and I go if I want too.

They are not friends now. Just people I know.

When I reflect, I realise they didn’t really do anything wrong, they just wanted couple friends, and I was disposable.

This

Sounds very like a situation I experienced. Dominant, and with hindsight, controlling couple who wanted everyone to bend to their will. They viewed themselves as the perfect family, never any vulnerability, would dig for intel on others but never offer anything. Also quite keen to be amongst their own type so single mothers, families whose children had additional needs etc were phased out. I backed off and made new friends - I also put a lot of time into relationships with one or two people in that group who I loved. The group has slowly pulled apart as more people realised the dynamic was mainly to feed the ego of the dominant couple.

It does sound best avoided. It’s not a sign of things fizzling necessarily, just that the holiday is not something you have in common and sounds like it would be simpler to opt out of this plan. Organising holidays for one family is hard enough let alone lots of families with different tastes. I can imagine if she received suggestions, she’s probably ignored them because she just can’t please everyone. The only other solution is that you say you will organise the next one….holidays are imbued with everyone’s own values and finances. There is no way I would like most people’s holidays. Im too fussy.