Feeling pushed out of a long-term friendship group over an expensive holiday

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some honest advice and maybe a bit of perspective on a friendship dynamic that’s left me feeling quite sad.

I’ve been part of a close group of mums since our children started Reception together. We became especially close during lockdown and have shared some wonderful memories over the years. Originally it was very much a group of mums and children, but over time it’s naturally evolved into more of a couples’ friendship group.

I’m a single parent to my daughter, and apart from one couple who are currently separating, everyone else is now part of a couple. As partners have become more involved, I’ve increasingly felt like I’m on the outside. The couples often get together at each other’s houses, and the main WhatsApp group is largely driven by one particular couple who organise most things.

The issue that’s brought everything to a head is planning next year’s holiday.

We all went away together last year and, although there were lovely moments, I realised our holiday styles are actually very different. They love large, busy resorts with endless activities and a lively atmosphere, whereas my daughter and I are much happier somewhere smaller and quieter where we can explore local towns and beaches.

The organiser has found a resort that everyone else seems keen on, but because I’m paying for a room on my own, it would cost me and my daughter around £4,000. Most of the couples are paying around £2,500 between two adults and their children, so it’s a very different financial commitment for me.

When I mentioned the cost, I wasn’t expecting everyone to change their plans for my sake, but I had hoped there might be a conversation about whether there were other options that could work for everyone. Instead, I was told I could simply bring another friend to share my room – someone who doesn’t know the group at all. That left me feeling as though I was a logistical problem to solve rather than a friend whose circumstances mattered.

Life has also been quite difficult recently as my dad has dementia, so I think I was probably hoping for a little more understanding than I experienced.

I know people are entitled to spend their money however they choose and book the holiday they want. I genuinely don’t begrudge them that. I think what’s upset me is that this situation has highlighted something I’ve been feeling for a while – that as the group has become more couple-focused, I’ve gradually become less central to it.

I’ve muted the WhatsApp group because I found myself feeling increasingly hurt watching all the excitement about a holiday I simply can’t justify financially. Part of me wonders whether this is just a sign that friendships naturally change, and perhaps it’s time to step back from the group while keeping in touch with the individuals I’m closest to.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Am I being oversensitive, or does this sound like a friendship that’s simply evolved into something different? I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives.

Also, it does sound like they did have a conversation about budget, at the last trip, at least in general terms. When you have that sort of general agreement, you definitely don't do facebook polls about it, it just creates drama.

OP is free not to join the holiday if she chooses not to. Doesn't sound like they've put any pressure on her about that. One person can't change everyone else's plans to suit them if everyone else is happy.

Exactly. The rest of the group "like 7k holidays" - this one is already cheaper. OP can afford it, but she just doesn't like the singles premium. It's not up to the organiser to solve that for her.

OP, sounds awful.

I would be looking for solo parent holidays for next year.

Gingerbread I think is a website for solo parents.

I did one years ago, we all bonded because we were in the same situation.

Of course it's OK for the person taking the initiative to plan a holiday to choose a holiday that suits them, and then open it up to anyone else that wants to come.

What would be more unreasonable would be someone not shouldering the burden of planning and booking to expect their needs to be put first and for everyone else to compromise to accommodate them. Very self centred.

Simply, you've been invited on a group holiday. You can accept or decline, the choice is yours.

Why have you put your post in bold?

Another way of looking at it OP- I’m guessing your dcs are all still young and sharing a room with you stage. give it a few more years and when all your dcs hit secondary school and are adult sized (my DS was taller than me by year 7!), they will need two rooms, possibly interconnecting family rooms until their dcs are old enough to have another room, this short of holiday will then jump up to double your holiday cost. Whereas you and your DD will always be able to share a twin room and have the cost you have now. Tiny bit more as she gets older. Trust me, when the stage of kids being on camp beds or sofa beds in the one room ends, resort holidays get very expensive for a family of 4!

But as others have said @Cherryblossom200- why not contact the wife of the separating couple and say you can’t afford the big group holiday, you are going to x place and y hotel on similar dates and if she is going to be doing her first solo parent holiday, she’s welcome to book the same as you, but you understand with everything she’s got going on she might not be able to do that this year.

You just sound holiday incompatible. It's not a big deal, I've got friends I wouldn't fancy going on holiday with either. Choose something you actually want to do, instead of being annoyed that other people also prefer to choose something they want to do.

@Cherryblossom200 I understand .

As a single parent myself , It’s not just the holiday that’s the cause of how you are feeling - it’s how things are day to day and I don’t think YABU. Unfortunately I have realised over the years that there is absolutely an unwritten hierarchy in some groups where there are largely couples and the single ones are not at the top of it - most couples aren’t aware of it.

People like even numbers and the ‘men’ like it if there is a man there. Not in all groups but in many groups. It’s simply fact!

Over the years I have just come to accept that the arrangements are made largely by the couples to check everyone is available and then the single person is asked if they are free on that date after everything is confirmed. As I said I am sure there are groups where this doesn’t happen - but this is my experience. Thankfully I have met some lovely single friends through DCs over the years too so it matters less as I am not solely reliant on the others thankfully.

In any case, this doesn’t sound like it’s the holiday for you. The main couple will annoy you, you’ll be stressed about finances and you may not enjoy it anyway.

I think if you can switch your mindset on this from ‘I can’t go’ to ‘Actually this is not a holiday I want to go on’ and organise something else / cheaper (could the other single person go with you then if money allowed? ) and you’ll feel much better.

@Skatefordinner you’ve summed it up very well. I do feel a hierarchy. And I’m bottom of the pot! I know that I am, it’s clear with their interactions with one another. I’ve tried to ignore it for a long time, but I just think this holiday is sort of the last straw for me.

I think you’re right, the holiday was probably already semi booked without me even knowing which makes me feel even worse tbh.

Im the sort of person who likes to feel included, don’t we all? I can brush things off but there is a point when it starts to eat away bit by bit at your self esteem. It sounds dramatic, but I almost feel like I’m at the stage of just not spending time with them anymore and moving on. There are a couple of the girls I’ll stay in touch with, but the rest I’ll not see again.

I’ll give you a strange example of what happened at the start of the year. I attended an event to watch our children in. The power couple sat near another couple in the group, I sat on my own in another section, the power couple went to enquire if they could relocate into the box upstairs where you could buy drinks, they took the other couple to the box with them and didn’t bother to message me to ask if I would like to join. Despite the fact I was sat on my own. It’s small, but I was really upset by it. Since then I’ve just felt they would prefer it if I didn’t come to things.

Oh thats hard. I think budgets should be discussed beforehand as plenty of families would not want to shell out for a huge holiday. We did one group holiday one year, not even abroad and it was a lot. We took into account everyone's budget though and had camping, glamping and megapod clamping so all could come and it worked out well. Ive been on another group holiday (not with kids) where we hired 3 villas next door to each other and that worked out week.
I think the big thing here is the busy resort holiday was not for you and your daughter so that's already a no but it would be nice to be considered. Its consideration here that is missing from the lady organising the holiday. She doesnt sound like she is considering the couple separating either. You dont mention how old your daughter is but perhaps this friendship group has changed and has run its course. Sad though isnt it? As my children have gone thru primary and now the youngest is almost in secondary school it seems everything slightly changes and I sort have been left out of certain things. Hugs to you.

You're not being overly sensitive. Your friends are being insensitive. Friends, within reason, should stick together, and if it's a local campsite that everyone can afford, then that's the holiday you should all have. All together...no-one left out. It would be different if it wasn't just you and your daughter. Personally, I think it stinks. But, look at it this way...it's not your type of holiday anyway. My advice...take your daughter away on a holiday that you both really want...and start shopping for some nicer friends 🧡

Kindly, I think you're overreacting, possibly because you're having a rough time of things.

Is it OK for a group to arrange something that suits the majority? Yes, of course, that's how these things work. Do you think it wouldd be 'fair' for the majority to have a holiday that wasn't up to their standard on the say so of one person in the group?

Also, as a single parent myself, I also hate the 'solo parent on holiday' tax, it's so annoying that I pay the same as 2 adults for me and my son, but it is what it is. It's not the other families' fault.

To be honest, the sad reality is that our society isn’t set up to make things easy financially for single people :-(

honestly, sounds like you're well out of it. Plan your own holiday to suit yourself and DD and don't put yourself through what sounds like a thoroughly un-restful set-up.

You said you don't like the resorts that they do. So just don't go there!
Could you stay somewhere quieter that's a short cab ride away from theirs and then meet up for some of the days/evenings?

It's not really their fault that it costs more for two people than it does for four sharing. It's fair for them to suggest bringing someone else. As you said, you didn't expect them to change their plans for you?

It sounds like you might be better not going on holiday with them at all really.

I think your group dynamics have changed. Sad but it happens. If last year was uncomfortable then you now have the ideal opportunity to do something different. Your father's health is also now an important consideration.

It's taken a while but travel companies are now realising solo and single parent travellers are important to them. Jet2 has some offers at the moment, codes to apply when booking. I don't work for them so just a suggestion.

Yes, saying no can be difficult but it sounds like you and your daughter can still have a great time 🤔🤗

You don’t have to opt in to every activity with this group. Do they all clock up 100% attendance?

Aside from the holiday, yes the group dynamics have changed. And it is bloody rubbish and I can’t help but feel it’s insensitive. I voiced a few months ago to my friends, how the emotional toll of my dads health and also my mums is hard on me, I don’t have a partner to speak too. I try my best to keep things internalised and not to be a burden on people. But the blatant hierarchy, at times just forgetting I exist is hard. It’s a core few within the group which are like this, mainly the power couple. They just lead the charge and everyone follows. Some of the girls I want to stay friends with, but the rest I’ll distance myself from going forward.

Is the whole friendship group only around couples and WhatsApp? Are there any mums you'd like to stay connected with? Perhaps you could reach out to the mums only and suggest a girls' evening out? It doesn't sound like your cuppa this place from what you've told us even if it was more affordable. Perhaps you and your DD could go away to a quieter place that you can explore together. I hate that feeling though OP when you feel excluded - it's very painful but that alpha woman doesn't sound very thoughtful at all.

I'm not sure the holiday is the real issue here. As you say, you and your daughter prefer a different holiday style in any case. I think the real issue is that you feel 'pushed out' of the group and somewhat marginalised. I think that's a conversation to be had outside of the holiday issue. Whether this is because the group has become more couples focused, or you are in a 'Friends with Money' scenario. I would be upfront about not having the budget to splash out on that kind of holiday and just leave it at that. Sadly, it may be the friendship dynamic has changed and you may have to accept that at the end of the day. It will all depend on whether or not you still feel included in the group at other times.

@exaltedwombatthey clock up 100% attendance for the group events the majority of the time, I’ll start opting out of them. And definitely for the holidays .