Feeling pushed out of a long-term friendship group over an expensive holiday

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some honest advice and maybe a bit of perspective on a friendship dynamic that’s left me feeling quite sad.

I’ve been part of a close group of mums since our children started Reception together. We became especially close during lockdown and have shared some wonderful memories over the years. Originally it was very much a group of mums and children, but over time it’s naturally evolved into more of a couples’ friendship group.

I’m a single parent to my daughter, and apart from one couple who are currently separating, everyone else is now part of a couple. As partners have become more involved, I’ve increasingly felt like I’m on the outside. The couples often get together at each other’s houses, and the main WhatsApp group is largely driven by one particular couple who organise most things.

The issue that’s brought everything to a head is planning next year’s holiday.

We all went away together last year and, although there were lovely moments, I realised our holiday styles are actually very different. They love large, busy resorts with endless activities and a lively atmosphere, whereas my daughter and I are much happier somewhere smaller and quieter where we can explore local towns and beaches.

The organiser has found a resort that everyone else seems keen on, but because I’m paying for a room on my own, it would cost me and my daughter around £4,000. Most of the couples are paying around £2,500 between two adults and their children, so it’s a very different financial commitment for me.

When I mentioned the cost, I wasn’t expecting everyone to change their plans for my sake, but I had hoped there might be a conversation about whether there were other options that could work for everyone. Instead, I was told I could simply bring another friend to share my room – someone who doesn’t know the group at all. That left me feeling as though I was a logistical problem to solve rather than a friend whose circumstances mattered.

Life has also been quite difficult recently as my dad has dementia, so I think I was probably hoping for a little more understanding than I experienced.

I know people are entitled to spend their money however they choose and book the holiday they want. I genuinely don’t begrudge them that. I think what’s upset me is that this situation has highlighted something I’ve been feeling for a while – that as the group has become more couple-focused, I’ve gradually become less central to it.

I’ve muted the WhatsApp group because I found myself feeling increasingly hurt watching all the excitement about a holiday I simply can’t justify financially. Part of me wonders whether this is just a sign that friendships naturally change, and perhaps it’s time to step back from the group while keeping in touch with the individuals I’m closest to.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Am I being oversensitive, or does this sound like a friendship that’s simply evolved into something different? I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives.

Something I have noticed over the years is that friendships ebb and flow. It may help to view this as “one holiday you are not going on” - it doesn’t mean the end of the entire friendship. You say yourself it’s not the holiday you and your daughter would have chosen.
I too would have felt hurt in this situation but realistically, if the holiday suits the rest of the group they are unlikely to change for one person.

What friend is going to spend £2,500 to share a room with OP and be on holiday with a large group of couples that they don't know? Oh, and with a bonus organiser from hell who's going to be pestering her with instructions via WhatsApp.

Of course OP isn't entertaining that idea.

I’m amazed so many can afford so much for a group holiday! The parent friend groups from my children’s classes go camping each year, someone needs to organise that instead!

You say you wouldn't expect the group to go to a campsite (as if this was somehow beneath them?) - but with a single child, the right campsite can be amazing, they have activities, other kids to play with, a safe enclosed environment. Seriously consider this for next time!

Simple.

Just say, "I'd like to also spend time with my daughter during the school holidays, therefore I'll be booking the accommodation and travel myself.

Will be happy to meet up for dinner/drinks for some of the evenings whenever I'm/we're free."

I do this to all my friends, they probably think I'm weird/aloof/strange, but I'm not going to be told what to do/where to stay/how to travel, and have the booking done (which I'm paying for) by somebody else.

Neither do I want to be with them 24/7, and want time to do what I want myself.

This doesn't sound like a holiday you can afford, or want to go on. Just forget it this year and have a better holiday on your own.

I just don't see a need to spend my holiday time and money with people who aren't even my family. This whole set up sounds bizarre.

I’d just reply to the group and say ‘bit pricey for me and I don’t want to share with someone new to the group so I’ll skip this one, thanks’ @Cherryblossom200

Honestly this is the way with groups of couples.
if you don’t want to holiday alone with your daughter there are lots of solo parenting holidays. I recommend the Single Parent Travel Group which is on FB and lone parents organise cheap holidays together usually sharing rooms to keep costs down.

Oh dear! The second I read the expression 'group holiday' I recoil. I can't add anything to the good advice you've received given I couldn't think of anything worse than the stress of decision making amongst a crowd of friends with varying ideas. It sounds like you are thinking of a different style of holiday which to me sounds so much better. I'd leave the group situation to the occasional gathering for a catch up & get on with life in your own terms.

It is horrible to feel essentially forgotten but of everything you have said 'The last holiday we went on nearly gave everyone a mental breakdown' is the only reason you need not to go. Just put a message on the group saying 'We have decided not to join you this year and hope you all have a fantastic time.' Then delete yourself from the group. Friends who want to see you will message you direct. Just book a trip you and your daughter will love.

Another single parent here...... you are not imagining it ..... there is a weird vibe towards single parents from those in couples and more traditional family set ups.
Its as if being a single parent just never quite fits in. Yes ive dropped friendship groups (well kind of fizzled out and got to awkward) for that reason, along with having different expectations of how it will be. But dont sweat it. It is what it is. No way I would spend £4k doing something where I didnt really belong and going somewhere that wasnt really my thing. Just politely back out of the holiday and go along to the next thing available if you feel like it. If you dont then decline again. Make arrangements to see friends seperately if you like.

But what do you expect the organiser to do in this instance? The fact that the organiser has found a place that does allow OP to pay less than the "couple combined" rate is amazing. Many places just charge by the room, regardless if it's a single person or a couple.

"Smaller resort, mingle with other people, eat at little hidden restaurants, explore"... you can't do this with more than one or perhaps two other households. The organiser was right to dismiss your suggestions. It's great that you are planning a quiet trip like this on your own - perhaps in the future you could invite a close friend along, too.

I've been on both sides of this.

It can be really hard feeling like the third/fifth/seventh wheel. It takes a lot of effort.

When you are socialising as half of a couple, you automatically spend some of the time interacting with your partner. If you are there on your own, you spend more time directly interacting with your friends. If you are on your own with couples, the balance gets thrown. It's possible to overcome it, but it takes work (and you may decide that you don't want to).

Speaking as someone who socialises as half of a couple, I do want single friends along, and will make an extra effort for them. However, there's a limit to what I can do. I know it takes a lot of confidence for a single person to hang out with couples, but I can't babysit a friend in perpetuity. I've had friends who've wanted heaps of 1:1 time while in a large group, and that's just not sustainable.

I think you will have the single room supplement in many hotels.

It also sounds like you don’t really want to go but have FOMO.
the friendship is evolving. Don’t fight it. Stay friends but recognise the dynamic has changed and you don’t need to be involved in everything.
maybe consider a holiday with your daughter that you would enjoy.

different, I think I explained earlier this is a culmination of events where I’ve felt left out, side lined and just forgotten about!

so should be a simple “thanks for the invite or no”

For whatever reason, they don’t seem very keen on you being in the group of friends anymore. So take the hint and leave with your head held up high. No more tying yourself in knots about affording a holiday that you’re clearly not welcome on

I never take very seriously scenarios where apparently one person or couple manage to apparently control and brain wash all the other adults in a group into excluding another person or behaving in a certain way towards them.

The other adults are just that… with full capacity, responsibilities, jobs, children, minds of their own. very unlikely to not invite someone they really like to a dinner party they are hosting at their house just because another couple have hinted not to.

I’m not the type that needs babysitting at all, I can stand my own within group situations. But due to the fact I’m not in a couple, I’m just naturally excluded from certain things and the couples just become closer. So I’ve felt the shift, internalised it and now I’ve sort of hard enough!

And to the camping suggestions, I already do this with fab group of girl friends who I adore 😊 we’ve been doing this with our kids since they were young. I’m lucky I have other friends.

I think I feel sad because this group I associate with the whole primary school journey and it’s sad to now almost say goodbye to it. The kids will go to secondary school together but it’s not quite the same.

But I think with everything happening with my dad, I’ve realise as everyone has said life is short. I would rather pay the money to actually show my daughter the world, so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to dance to the beat of my own drum 😊

One of the things about following your own desires rather than shoehorning yourself into situations that aren't actually pleasurable is that you then open yourself up to the serendipity and grace of the world. Once you decline, maybe someone from the group will message you saying they also don't want to go and would you like to do something together. Or you will arrange lunch with the ones you feel closer to (maybe just the mums, rather than as couples). On holiday, you may meet like minded people, or the man of your dreams - or you can focus on your friendship group that goes camping (you are rightly grateful to have this group too). It's impossible to predict how exactly it will play out and loneliness/rejection may be part of it but by following your gut events will unfold so as to re-confirm that you are wanted, loved and have a place in the world.

Aw thank you @Granville82❤️

I’ve been strong for so long, I love socialising and being around people. But I don’t need it all the time! You guys have been beyond supportive and helpful thank you all ❤️

Im a widow since my kids were little and it is a well known phenomenon about single women! People do tend to think in couples and I found myself excluded from many dinner parties where all the guests were couples. I’d get asked if it was a general drinks thing but not a sit down dinner. I don’t even think they realise they were doing it.
So I started hosting my own women’s only dinners a couple times a year. Most of my friends happily came out without their DH’s. But it didn’t change the couples only dynamic. We usually meet up for coffee/breakfasts once a week and men don’t come to that (even though now several are retired).

I think removing myself from the main group chat feels a bit of a statement. Don’t get me wrong I’d like to do that! But instead I muted the chat and shoved it into my archive folder never to be seen again 🤣 It’s strange, subconsciously it has eaten up at my confidence for many years without me quite understanding why, and now I do I feel relived more than anything.

Just tell them what you've told us that its a different commitment for you being a single parent, that you have other things to prioritise financially and therefore you won't be gong on the holiday this year. Anyone who has a problem with this isn't much of a fiend anyway.

Don’t remove yourself from the whats app thats too dramatic.. just mute it, and check it every now and then.

If you feel like you are being ignored and your situation is not being taken into consideration, could you not just say... Thanks for including me in the holiday preparations but next year my daughter and I will be having our main holiday together, on our own, it's something we really want to do and my budget won't stretch to multiple trips...... Or something along those lines. You aren't lying, you don't want to go on the group holiday and it's expensive. You probably just need to bite the bullet and tell them.