Boyfriend wants money just to talk to him

[Belle270]

My boyfriend is in debt and seriously depressed. He has now told me unless I can give him the money he owes he won’t be able to talk to me as he’s not in a situation to be able to talk to anyone unless he solves his problems. He actually told me to block him and not speak to him unless I can get him the money. I’m so hurt, shocked and feel so used. I haven’t given him any money but I can’t believe he says he loves me and says he will only talk to me or be with me if I clear his debt. Any advice would be appreciated thanks

Save his number under Evil W**nker (every time you go to call or message him having to retrieve that name out of your contacts should be off putting enough). Then I think you should write him a long letter (that you will never post, because you don’t owe him a glimpse at your pain) and not only write in said letter how what he has done has made you feel, but you need to dig deeper and look back at all his other awful behaviour as never do these incidents happen in isolation. You would have had warning signs before he more or less told you to bugger off. Air all your grievances especially the ones you've been stifling. Then book dinner out with a great friend (male or female) go out and have a lovely meal (with your money) and vent (warn them prior), cry (hopefully not too much as you’ll be in public) and then LAUGH at your lucky escape and go home and sleep. Fill your spare time with an activity or errands or a visit. Book them in now. Very slowly you’ll find you are booked for a repeat good brunch out or lunch or dinner or a party at a friend’s. Spend that money he wanted to blackmail you out of on yourself- join a gym, have facials and get that new haircut/colour! Once you’ve done all of this, for the life of you… PLEASE don’t go back when he is back to beg you (because he will come back and tell you what a mistake he made- it’s a control ploy to see if he is able to still get you back(why should you move on after all ) ). Just tell him you have forgiven him(even if you haven’t- it makes it sound like you’ve moved on), but you don’t want him. Whenever you feel the urge to call or speak to him, read your letter again as a reminder. You’ve got this!

Sorry you’re going through this OP. Must be so painful and confusing. What a manipulative B. Emotional blackmail, then when you didn’t respond he again shows his true colours. Mask has slipped. You can never trust him. Most of us go through difficult times but don’t act so batshit crazy. Don’t be surprised if he ups the ante again to threats of harming himself or others. Don’t get drawn in and get help. You’re dodging a cannon ball not a bullet here. Love should feel good, not like this. POS.

Wow I agree block him and move onwards.

He's trying to find something that works. He's pushing buttons to see if any of tgem gave the desired affect. You'll get love bombing, threats, manipulation, aggression, self loathing and possibly even suicide talk.

Its odd that his sister hasn't spoken to him. Are you sure he hasn't got a habit or something? Thank god you are not married.

Run for the hills and don't waste anymore years.

Do not give him money or clear his debt, you won’t see him for dust if you do that.
He sounds like a really horrible, manipulative person. Definitely block him and find someone nicer and more sensible with money.
Debt is a form of great selfishness. Spending money you do not have is not ok.
Asking others to clear your debt is even less ok.
In German the word for “debt” and the word for “blame” are the same.

There’s only two words you need to say to him. Fuck and off.

It's amazing how stupid these men think women are, that we would stay after them shitting on us. They don't think that we have working brains.

But there's a major question mark why his first recourse for dealing with his debt is to try in effect to blackmail OP into bailing him out? Surely if he now has a job he should first be looking into other avenues like setting up payment by instalments and/or getting a loan to cover the amount owed.

And there's a further question mark why he thinks that taking money from OP would "solve" his problems, especially if she's had to borrow from her own family to get the money. Surely if he had an ounce of decency he would be determined to pay back OP as soon as possible, so all that would mean would be that he has transferred the debt?

Exactly my thoughts - or something similar; he’s got himself into some sort of major trouble and is getting desperate.

Sorry, OP, that you’ve had to encounter this situation and all of the hurt and confusion and betrayal that’s arisen alongside it… I went through something equally devastating with my ex just six months ago, and i understand it feels like the end of the world, but please follow the advice others have offered here and don’t give this man another chance to hurt or manipulate you. He’s shown his true colours - and somebody who truly loves you and is worthy of your love in return would never treat you or talk to you like this person has. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.

Block, focus on yourself, don’t allow him back to continue to take advantage of your kindness and compassion , he absolutely is not worthy of any of it the way he’s acted. You deserve so much better and you’ll rise above all of this… let the bastard realise what a gem he’s lost.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Stay strong.

My now ex, whom i was with for over 5 years and was engaged to for the last year and a half, forced me for the final18 months of our relationship, to cover his rent short fall plus his phone and internet contracts, all his food, drink, toiletries, household essentials, clothes, and guilt tripped me with emotional blackmail into buying his wants too like new video games. He used the threat of suicide if i didn't cover all of this for him and he ended up in debt, homeless or having to move in to his mums caravan. (claimed couldn't work due to mental ill health)
We split for different reasons, but guess what, he's still alive and was magically able to move in with his mum which he swore to me he wouldn't cope with. Even got a full time job within 2 months. When i expected paying back, got ghosted.

Edited to add this is despite me being disabled on just ESA and base PIP.

@Belle270 I am sorry you are having to deal with this twat waffle.

He is going to continue to try and "get you" to bail him out, using different methods. He may even resort to threats of self-harm or other ideas. Annything to make you fold.

Please hurry and block him because reading his texts or listening to him will not do you any good at all. Take care of you.

Don't reply with anything at all. Just make it final and unequivocal by blocking him. Then you won't be drawn in by his bullshit and will get some peace from it.

I really think you should block him and keep busy to stop yourself from wondering what he's thinking about you anymore. He will eventually work out that you want a grovelling apology and you sound like you are very vulnerable to accepting that and being dragged back into his shitshow.

Forget this person and don't look back.
Run don't walk.

He sounds clinically depressed and mentally unwell he may have bipolar disorder if he has held down the relationship with you until now, or borderline personality disorder. He needs medically help and quickly. You didn't say how much he owed in total but has he considered personal bankruptcy to start over financially ? Signpost him to debt counselling agencies and to medical help as your final act of compassion

I know someone whose spouse developed this kind of mental illness and their life was miserable on the inside and exhausting keeping up the appearance of being a happy couple to the outside world and constant paying off credit cards when their spouse went on spending sprees to cheer themselves up. They say love is blind but open you eyes to what the future looks like. There might be high risk of suicidal thoughts in his head so you may wish to write to his parents and tell him he is having a mental breakdown and is really unwell . They may be willing to help him financially regarding the debt or pay for private therapy and medical interventions if NHS can't help, but I think many parents would like to know their adult cjoldc is having a crisis, even if they is nothing they can do to help him.
Either way you need to find every bit of resilience you have into ending the relationship carefully and as swiftly as you can before the crisis drags you down.

I’m not sure what you need explained.

Sorry for some typos Not 'unlucky' I thought I typed clinically
Also I meant bipolar not borderline personality order, although he might have one or the other

Thanks for the replies. I was about to block him last night but he actually blocked me first. I have now blocked him. Before he blocked me he said he would never be with someone who didn’t love him or help him when he needed it so he will be with someone who will help him and send me photos that will make me cry my eyes out (not sure what that means). I’m still blocked today so it seems he means it. He said he’s started a new life today and I will see how happy he is and how much money he will have. I have no idea what to make of his words or all this at all.

Thanks yes I think he’s bipolar I had asked him before to see a psychiatrist but he refused saying he’s just down as he’s in debt. He won’t go and his family don’t want to step in to help and he has also blocked me now anyways

What do you mean, you don’t know whay to make of his words. He’s a total tosser, that’s whay to make of them, he’s trying to manipulate you into giving him cash and apparently trying to make you jealous by saying he will scam money out some other poor woman.

what an utter freak,

Thanks yes I agree I mean he supposedly wants me to pay his debt so it’s ridiculous that he’s the one who has now blocked me first.

This kind of behaviour is emotional blackmail. I guarantee if you got him the money to clear his debt you would never see or hear from him again . Do yourself a favour leave him on block & delete his number and if he tried to contact you from other numbers block them as well. Just in case he asks, make it clear to your family that they are not to give him any money. Do yourself a massive favour and get right away from him.

Glad you are out. His response says everything. It’s all about him and his needs. No thought about you. Whether or not he’d meet criteria for a mental health diagnosis, he has not treated you well and the lack of apology is very telling.