Boyfriend wants money just to talk to him

[Belle270]

My boyfriend is in debt and seriously depressed. He has now told me unless I can give him the money he owes he won’t be able to talk to me as he’s not in a situation to be able to talk to anyone unless he solves his problems. He actually told me to block him and not speak to him unless I can get him the money. I’m so hurt, shocked and feel so used. I haven’t given him any money but I can’t believe he says he loves me and says he will only talk to me or be with me if I clear his debt. Any advice would be appreciated thanks

This 100%. Just step back and then move on with your life.

You can't seriously not know the answer to this question? Sorry you are in this position, but you should take him up on the offer, block him, and move on. No good can come of staying in touch with him.

You don't have to suddenly forget him, how can you? That will take time.
You could tell him the truth, which is that you are shocked by his crazy demand that you bale him out of a situation that can be dealt with in other ways, eg proper debt advice from Citizens Advice . You can tell him that if he gets his finances sorted out, he can get back in touch with you , but otherwise YOU won't be talking to HIM, and meanwhile you will be getting on with your life.
Or you could just block him!

I don't know the law there, but in the US this can be considered a crime.

To quote Professor Google:
"Coercing someone to give you money is a serious form of financial abuse.
involves using threats, manipulation, or force to obtain funds against a person's will. If you are experiencing this, it is considered extortion, economic abuse, or robbery, depending on the severity and method used.

I googled "to coerce money" and got the above answer along with a list of resources to assist you with this. I didn't include that as it was for the US but you could Google the same search term to get UK help.

Does he think you're his Sugar Mama? Get rid, please.

I'd set some clear goals for no contact e.g. 24h, two days, one week, one month etc.

When you have doubts and want to contact him, just think of how awful he's been. If you're trying to justify contact because of love, remind yourself that the most loving thing you can do is to let him work it out for himself otherwise he'll always see you as the person to bail him out and he won't learn valuable life skills.

Mostly I would try to get angry about the situation!

Also, you deserve much better!

Wear an elastic band on your wrist and everytime you feel you want to contact him snap the elastic on your inner side of your wrist. It stings and can be helpful in breaking bad habits.

Do not give him money.
Do not bail him out.
Do not ever marry him.

I like this! Could actually be used for other things as well; all selfdestructive things we tend to do that feels good at the moment but will hurt us in the long run. @Belle270 You should try it!

I can't believe someone would actually do something like this. Unless...you are filthy rich and clearing his debt would be like paying for a coffee. It would still be cf entitled behaviour though..

Just tell yourself you have had a very lucky escape.
Use your money to book a holiday.
Focus on that and treat yourself with your money.

Report to Mumsnet then

Just go completely no contact. Never speak to him again. If you happen to run into him somewhere just pretend you don't know him.
It's hard now, as it's all raw, but it really does get so much easier with time.
And if you feel like wavering at all, and trying to go back, just remember how shit you're feeling now and remind yourself that he caused that.

Leave him blocked and get on with your life; don’t look back - he is a wrong ‘un.

Is this a mainly online/distance relationship op?

Easy. Block him. What a dickhead

Block him and move on with your life.

Remember exactly how he’s treated you. That should be an instant turn off.

It doesn’t sound like you have any future with him if this is how he deals with problems. You deserve so much better than this - I’d be absolutely fucking furious at this if I was you and honestly it’s also such an ‘ick’

@Belle270 , i was a bit worried after reading your OP that you were asking for advice. I was thinking, 'What advice?!'. Surely, it's clear as day but i read subsequent posts and see you have been together for some years and were planning marriage.
No one who cares about someone treats them like that no matter how desperate they are.
And if they do treat their 'planning to get married to' partner like that, then that partner should RUN.
That's not the kind of specimen one attaches one's self too 'forever & ever'.

I see your post that this happened last night. Please, don't go back to him if he turns around today saying he was not himself.
What happened last night was an extremely lucky break for you.... he showed you what quality of a person he is. He gave you a glimpse of what would be if you both were married and found yourselves in a difficult spot.
BLOCK HIM. NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN.
You dodged a bullet. You are so lucky.

Ok so I do kinda agree with others that you need to protect yourself and don't accept blackmail. But depressed people are not themselves and he may be pushing you away because he is feeling hopeless and like life isn't worth living because of all this stress, so he'd rather push you away and be able to manage the situation by himself (possibly in very self destructive ways) than have you see him like that. It may be that in time he can get himself into a better place and go back to who he was. It may be that with your help - NOT paying his debt, but rather helping him address it through eg step change or other organisations - he can get himself out of the depression, probably through support of medication too, and then will go back to himself. Whether you can/will stick around through that is of course up to you. But I've seen similar monsters emerge from lovely people due to mental health crisis, before they reverted. It just depends on what you want and are willing to handle really.

This, with bells on.

Say goodbye and upgrade your boyfriend to someoje who has there act tigether..mentally, physically and emotionally.
Hope he gets psyc care often.
Run

Remind yourself whenever you get the urge to message. But block and delete him on everything

Going against the grain but for someone you’ve know years and never shown any indication of any thing like this before
does kind of make me think it comes from desperation rather than malice

there’s ways to help and support someone with debt rather than just paying it
have you gone through his finances and looking for ways to pay it with him

how bad is it ?

If you want happiness you really need to let this one go. There are better men out there.

This is not a relationship so block and ignore. Be thankful you’re not married. He’s got lots of issues which are now materialising.