Boyfriend wants money just to talk to him

[Belle270]

My boyfriend is in debt and seriously depressed. He has now told me unless I can give him the money he owes he won’t be able to talk to me as he’s not in a situation to be able to talk to anyone unless he solves his problems. He actually told me to block him and not speak to him unless I can get him the money. I’m so hurt, shocked and feel so used. I haven’t given him any money but I can’t believe he says he loves me and says he will only talk to me or be with me if I clear his debt. Any advice would be appreciated thanks

This. There is no question, no debate. DO NOT DO IT.

Expect him to keep asking and threatening you in various ways OP. As PP suggested write a list of all the unpleasant aspects of his character. Write another list of things you actually want a DP to display character wise.
Go and see your friends, go to the cinema and the theatre. Visit family. Basically start living your best life and do not sit around moping and missing this relationship. You can do this OP!

Do you have a history of bailing him out, OP?

I know it’s easy for strangers on the internet to say just dump someone you’ve been planning to marry. But think about his behaviour in terms of how he has not considered your feelings at all.
HE can’t cope. So YOU don’t matter. Your feelings are not important to him. Marriage is hard and doesn’t work with selfish people if their partner is not prepared to always put the selfish person first in every situation. Is that something you are prepared to do forever?

Jesus whay am I reading, these men are completely devoid of any humanity, you know the answer op, you just don’t talk to him. You can’t let him turn into some form of gigalo where you need to pay for his time. Fuck him off,

He's asked you to block him so do just that. Do not respond to him whatever he says. Walk away.

This is a manipulation tactic. He’s relying on you being so hurt and desperate to connect that you pay off his debts. Is the debt around an addiction?

He sounds like he needs help but OP so do you. Please tell someone close to you so that they can help you to keep your distance and not give in to his manipulation. I know it’s always easier to say this than to be the one in this situation. I have dealt with this kind of pressure from someone close demanding money before and it’s hard when that guilt is being pressed nonstop.

I’m inclined to agree here. If this is unusual for him then his tone would be important to know. Was it said in a threatening way, or in desperation - ‘if you can’t pay my debts then what’s the point in carrying on?’ It’s not as black and white as others are making out (LTB).

Do yourself a favour Op.
Block the fucker
No big arguments , simply block him

I am so glad you posted and didn’t just do this. It’s coercive control. Depression doesn’t cause people to be abusive. But witholding connection to get money out of you is coercive control.

My tips to help you to stay strong are;

• Check out Dr Ramani on you tube and her book ‘It’s Not You’ on audible. He sounds extremely entitled and may fit the bill for narcissism traits - if he does then it means you can pretty much use Dr Ramani’s advice to predict his behaviour and protect your well being.
• regardless of the above, write down examples of times he’s not been there for you before. Times he’s hurt you. Other entitled behaviours ( eg does he use your free labour - cooking, cleaning, remembering things, planning things, emotional support)
• write a card to yourself for five years time - ‘dear me, It’s five years from now and I hope that you…’ and describe how you want your life to look without him in it. Set the date in your calendar to open it and make a note of where you put it.
• go and meet friends and get new life things in - things you didn’t do because may be he didn’t like it or you were too busy with him.
• talk to good friends or family that understand
• look after your physical body - eat, hydrate, move, etc.

You are strong and you have got this.

Dint be surprised if threats of self harm occur. Inform his closest if they do or services if he doesn’t have anyone else. His mental health, his finances are not your responsibility. If he wasn’t coercing you may be I’d say help him but it’s too worrying that he’s pressuring you in this way. That’s a massive red flag.

@belle270As pp have said, I think you have dodged a bullet. You probably feel very unkind but he isn’t looking for any other type of help or support just for you to swoop in and fix it instantly. How much was he looking for to fix things? Does he owe to loan sharks or something? Be wary of thinking he’s never been in trouble before. You might not know the truth there and this debt may have been building up.

How old is he? What kind of shop did he have? Where was it? How long did he have it? It is common for businesses to fail, it’s tough to have a shop but if he’s mismanaged it or his income from it that’s a red flag or two right there. How is he earning a living right now? What is he earning? Is it enough to live and have a payment plan? Is he likely to take risks in the future that he will expect you to bail out if they go wrong? Think about how stressful it would be to be married to him, trying to make plans and save for your future and always losing it to him and his choices. If you want children it will be worse.

Leaving someone is hard. If you want to do it you can come back to the thread each time you feel like you are going to contact him and ask for help/ distraction. Busy yourself with other things and plans.

This

Sorry OP, bf is not in love with you but her does love your money!
Show him the way out and lock the door behind him, he’s not good for you and you deserve better!

Have you offered to help him with strategies to help with his debts? Consolidation/management plans for example. Do you have completely separate finances?

He is extremely wrong to refuse to talk to you unless you help him financially. But if it were me, and someone I wanted to marry, I would be trying to help constructively if he would let me.

As a previous poster said, your boyfriend may be experiencing a severe mental health crisis. Is there someone in his family you can tell about his behaviour? It seems so bizarre - and given you say he was already very depressed, it’s possible he’s spiralling.

People are right though. This is absolutely no way to treat someone you love, even if you’re depressed. It’s cruel and manipulative.

Sorry this has happened to you OP - you must feel so shell shocked.

I'm take a bet he has another woman lined up. He's hoping to get the money out of you but if you don't pay up he will move on to her in a heartbeat.

stay strong @Belle270.

Dont do it, sounds like he just wants you for your money. Not to talk to you unless you give him money is ridiculous. If he truly loved you he wouldn't say that. He find a way to talk to you without you giving him money. Sorry but it sounds like you're better off without him.

He has broken up with you. Walk away

Are you willing for this to be the pattern for the rest of your life? I wouldn't give in to this and would even turn it round - no talking, no help.

I agree with @PrincessFairyWren

@Belle270 is this out of character?

He sounds desperate.

If he's in that much difficulty, he needs to petition for bankruptcy, not try some weird form of blackmail over someone he claims to love.

Block him and delete his number on your phone. Send his emails to spam.

I found imagining being in this situation, but with 3 children under 3 helped me realise that I could walk away at this point unscathed. At some point it would get easier. On the face of it, going through the pain now is easier than it would be if we stayed together and had any kind of future.

Take the emotional hit now. Be as kind to yourself as you can be.

You have saved yourself a whole world of problems further down the line. This is no future for you, saddled with a blackmailing loser up to his eyes in debt. How bleak. This is who he is.

Just to add his mental health is not your problem. You are not his mother. Walk away and don’t look back.

Ew, I got the massive ick from reading this post OP! Never speak to him again. He isn’t interested in you unless you pay for his debts - he sees you as an ATM, not a partner.