Boyfriend wants money just to talk to him

[Belle270]

My boyfriend is in debt and seriously depressed. He has now told me unless I can give him the money he owes he won’t be able to talk to me as he’s not in a situation to be able to talk to anyone unless he solves his problems. He actually told me to block him and not speak to him unless I can get him the money. I’m so hurt, shocked and feel so used. I haven’t given him any money but I can’t believe he says he loves me and says he will only talk to me or be with me if I clear his debt. Any advice would be appreciated thanks

it doesn’t feel like it now but this is a lucky escape. Marriage to him would be miserable.

So what if he is desperate?
So what if he is depressed?

Op isn’t his mother! Nor his therapist. He can call Samaritans and tell them he is blackmailing his girlfriend, and behaving poorly.

This whole mental health card is being overstretched. You don’t get to behave appallingly, and then duck out of the consequences just because your business idea failed and you are feeling low. Life doesn’t work like that,

This is not OP’s problem anymore.

She needs to take care of herself and protect herself from predators. Not feel guilt or shame by posters that will blame anyone but the despicable men that are responsible for so much heartbreak and abuse.

“Ok I will respect your wishes, nice to know you bye”…. Then block his number then delete it. He’s shown how little he thinks of you

He needs to go to see a debt adviser and sort out his debts like a grown-up. Blackmailing you to get the money should never have crossed his mind.

It really wouldn't be a good idea for OP to get involved in any way with sorting out his debt problems. The most she should consider by way of help is giving him the names of local debt advisers - before she blocks him and walks away.

Take him up on his word: block him.

What an absolute loser. He's manipulative (doing a bad job at it , too), greedy, weak, can't handle money, and he doesn't love you. What is there to stay for?

if you have money to be seriously considering giving him some, I suggest some counselling for yourself might be more useful.

Why is your bar so low that you can’t even see this blackmailer is trying to do a job on you!
Value yourself more and ditch the coercive blackmailing bastard!

Tell him the route out of his troubles is to see his GP for his depression and Citizens Advice for debt relief.
Then block him and resolve to work on yourself.

Relationships end all the time. You will be heartbroken for a while. That’s normal.
What isn’t normal, and what you should be really angry about, is the emotional blackmail. That should give you more strength and resolve to end it forever.

He’s telling you he doesn’t have capacity for a relationship as he’s overwhelmed by his debt. Rightly that’s his number one priority. I doubt he genuinely wants you to pay his debt. Is it not something he’s said in the heat of the moment when you’ve been trying to connect with him and he’s not able to?

No, but I am curious if she had offered help and support prior to the ultimatum/threats from him.

He had a business, it failed, and now he has another job. What did the OP offer in support before he acted the arsehole? This is someone she said she had been contemplating marriage with. He’s clearly in a bad way.

He needs to be blocked and stay blocked.
if you bail him out now who is to say there won’t be another time he needs money,he is seeing you as a cash machine now,

pay my debts or you won’t see me,my god how attractive and lovely is he to think this is ok ? It would be like paying for his services.

least you’re not married so you can walk away with your money and future happiness.

I had this happen to me when I was at a very low time in my life. He applied a lot of pressure and coercion and guilt and like an idiot I gave him the money

And guess what? Yes, he just asked for more and more. I look back now and I actually hate him for what he did. And I could really do with that money now 😟

I am usually a cynical hard hearted bitch but there is very little compassion on this thread. But as OP has described him (on track to get married, he’s never been in debt before) this may be a mental health crisis.

Ohhh a parasite!

Why is he in debt from a failed business though? Debts are usually on the business, not the individual.

OP I say this bluntly to be kind. He does not love you and you do not want to marry a man like this. This will worsen and you will end up taking on all his problems (and debts!) The fact he has told you he won’t speak to you unless you pay him is financial blackmail. Break up with him and move on with your life. He sounds absolutely pathetic quite frankly.

Let him and his debts GO

Years ago a friend of mine had a boyfriend who, when told she was splitting up with him, threatened to lie down in the road and be run over. He lay down in the road outside her house.

She left him to it. He got up and walked away.

Same thing here, OP

Fuck his mental health problems; he's a blackmailer. Twat.

Brace yourself for him coming back to you, apologising, saying he didn’t mean it, saying he only said it because he’s desperate, saying he can’t live without you on top of everything else. And then trying to manipulate the money out of you again. Stand firm OP. And if you think about wavering, come back here.

Wow… so you are THAT quick to bin someone you love if they have mental health problems @SummerPeonies2026

No where did I say op is his mother.

I asked ‘is this out of character’

If it was my husband and he did this I’d realise he was having some sort of crisis and get him to the doctors.

only @Belle270 can know if he’s a manipulative arse… or a good person reaching rock bottom.

A loving relationship should never be transactional.

I understand this. It's so hard when you love someone and there is a sudden change (it isn't really a new characteristic, it's just it hasn't been brought home forcefully to you before). It's hard to have the 'turn off' switch in your head and so, so tempting to try to 'fix' the issue because you love them and want the relationship to continue.

Most of us have experienced the very strong temptation to text / contact our partner/ex when we're in the depths of sadness and missing them. It's unmanageable at times.

If you do give in and contact him, DO NOT beat yourself up about it. You're human. This is such a shock for you.

But whatever you do, don't give him the money. Hopefully he'll hold firm on his demand and it will end the relationship. I suspect he will back down from this demand and maybe ask for a lower amount or for you to support him in another way. But you do need to maintain that boundary, because otherwise it will create a pattern where he expects you to bail him out when things get hard. (That isn't an issue after 30 years of marriage, but not in a relationship that isn't established and hasn't been mutually supporting for a long period of time.)

‘Good’ people in crisis do NOT blackmail their loved ones.

They may be in a desperate state but would never resort to extortion and blackmail. Good people may struggle and spiral, but would never do this.

Whilst I would support a loved one through a genuine mental health crisis, and I have done multiple times - even during psychotic episodes - but I would never confuse the two issues. He can be depressed and a nasty piece of work at the same time.

No one that loves you is ever going to hold a gun at your head and demand money - his general well being is irrelevant.

If op were to give him the money, he would be back within weeks for more, she needs to get out of this ‘relationship’ as fast as she possibly can.

Why would you want to talk to him again? This is not the behaviour of someone worth wasting a single syllable on. He's both manipulative and utterly ridiculous - you can't seriously respect a man like that.

I'm sorry that the future you had imagined has gone, but honestly - it was all in your head anyway. He was never the man for you. Count yourself lucky he showed you who he really is, and move on with your head held high.

Oh, and block him. Because he WILL try and contact you again. For money, the parasite.

Then he needs to declare bankruptcy, which is more normal after the failure/closure of a business. It is discharged after 12m with the debt either written off or a long term repayment plan set up to cover part of the outstanding amount. It does impact credit for longer than 12m (cannot be a director of a company, take out new credit or mortgage etc), but if he is now in salaried employment he can start again.

None of this is your problem (though I would counsel against mixing finances with him whether he becomes insolvent or not).

If this is the way he copes with stress, then it is good to know now and take this opportunity to walk away because he won’t cope with children, redundancy, illness, and other life stresses any better. It may not seem it now, but it is good that you have had this insight into how he navigates crisis and treats his partner in those circumstances. You have a lucky escape.

Block and move on.

Sorry, but what a loser he is.