There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

There We Are Then maybe needs reminding that dropping the children back early , apart from needlessly distressing them if you are not at home, also means he isn't having them 50/50 which has a financial implication for him.

Mention of any coin in bits or things beginning with crypts... or go fund me sites? Or canvas PE shoes...?

Nope - just a comment about men rarely finding any greener grass!

You're right not to argue when you're not feeling on the ball, it'll only make him think he is the big I am.

I wouldn't let it drag on for much longer at him continuing to bring them back at 10am though, he needs to stop disrespecting the agreement you have in place.

I’m feeling torn about what to do for the best in regards to mediation. I thought it would be the best next step but now conflicted as I know some of you have said it could potentially be a waste of money as he doesn’t technically have to follow any agreement that’s made there either.

I wonder if he’s working on Fridays and doesn’t want you to know he is earning more? Is that possible?

Hi op I would tell him first your not accepting the early drop off if he carries on then try mediation but it looks like he just wants to control the situation and he doesn’t like being told no but i would give him 6 months from him moving out then at least you can say you tried. The more I read about him he’s the one with the problem.

Na I don’t think so, cos he has the kids every other Friday when it’s his weekend with them.

I’m not sure what to do for the best to be honest. He’s only been left the family home just over a month so I’ve got a long while until we’re at the 6 month mark. As others have said too, I have no idea what he could potentially be telling the kids if he dropped them home earlier and I wasn’t there.

Surely he would say because how many weeks can he realistically make excuses for? Surely even he realises that eventually all this pushing will wear thin and he cant keep adjusting the hours.

So you need to explain things to the dc.
Prepare them for the possibility that, ‘sometimes Daddy will get the time wrong, and I won’t be here. That’s ok, I will be back at the proper time, it will be fine. Dad will just have to find something to do until I get back.’

"Silly daddy has got it wrong again!"

If, as others have said, mediation is not enforceable, it would be a waste of time and energy pursuing that option.

Instead, tell him anything less than 50:50 will result in you raising a claim with CMS. Follow through the moment he tries to pull this stunt again, no more discussions, no more chances.

With regards to drop off times I’d tell your son as you are saying goodbye “I’ll see you on Friday at 10am”, say it in front of his Dad too. That way your ex can’t claim to your son there is any misunderstanding. It seems like your son is already clocking what’s happening anyway.

Yeah I think saying what @PrizedPickledPopcornsaid about daddy getting the time wrong but I’ll always be there and it is nothing they need to worry about because daddy can take them for a walk or something.

I do feel as though I’ll have to mention it to him about paying maintenance because I feel that’s what will shock him into sticking to what we both agreed as he doesn’t want to pay a single penny.

I’d be really careful about bringing up CMS etc at the moment. If you both truly do 50/50 he has a right to two of the children’s child benefit, this would also mess up any UC you are currently entitled to. I believe whoever gets the child benefit is the one entitled to any UC award for that child. I’m not saying this to worry you, but so you can be cautious. At the moment you can prove it’s not a true 50/50, therefore you could argue that whilst it’s technically 50/50 you do the lions share of the grunt work and mental load, therefore you’d have a case to keep the child benefit. You do not want him to cotton on to the fact he could fight you for two of the child benefit allocations.

Exactly. You can grey rock all you like but he’ll still think he can pull these stunts and control you. It’s only when he realises he’s at risk of a worse outcome he may rein it in. Think of it as haggling so you achieve your preferred outcome but make him still feel like he’s got a bargain.

In any negotiation you win massively if you can find something the other party wants that you don’t mind giving away. Is there anything you really want that you could trade for his early return on a Friday?

Isn’t cms calculated on overnights with each parent? So they won’t care about details like dropping off early or being generally twattish. And I’d agree with pp that it’s best right now to be cautious because he could come after you a lot worse. Yes holding the line is important but if you make too much of a few hours here and there you do risk being viewed as the difficult partner in mediation or court or whatever. Keep a log, keep calm, keep polite. You’re doing great and so far he is broadly sticking to the 50/50 arrangement so it’s not a good time to pick a fight.

Confidence is helpful for everything.

Yes but maintenance can be written into the financial order in the divorce if the op wants it to be. Thats not to say that she will, but it might be worth putting the wind up him about it.......

i might be being a bit thick here - and I absolutely do not want to defend the guy: he is quite clearly a total knob, but . . . If he is having them from Wednesday 7 am through to Monday 10 am one week, then Wednesday 7 am through Friday 10 am the other, isn’t he doing slightly more hours? I don’t say this to suggest he’s being reasonable - just to caution against threatening CMS for early drop offs. Isnt he (or rather his mum) doing more of the school drop offs per fortnight? I’m just wondering whether you might be better off/less stressed offering to renegotiate the Friday drop-offs on his ‘weekend off’/offer to change it permanently to 8 am or whatever. It’ll completely take the wind out of his sails if he is enjoying playing silly buggers, and equalise school drop-offs etc so he hasn’t got a leg to stand on if he does decide to try to claim his share of UC/CB. I know he’s not pulling his weight as a parent AND his behaviour has been appalling, but on paper, he’s doing more ‘hours’. I’m probably going to get flamed for saying it, and I might be missing something - apologies if I am.

No, it’s not 10am on a Monday when it’s been either one of our weekends; we drop them off at school/nursery on a Monday morning and if it’s his week to do the drop offs on a Monday while it’s the school holidays, then my eldest son is dropped off with me before 8am, before he takes the others to nursery. They only go to him so early on a Wednesday because my shifts start at 7:20am, and he has work so needs the kids with his mum before he goes to work. If there’s a week where I’m not at work on a Wednesday, I’d be perfectly happy to have the kids with me until 10am (same as agreed time on a Friday), or until he finished work at 5pm, but he said no to the latter when I proposed it, if I do have a Wednesday off.

I hope that makes slightly more sense.

Absolutely (and you obviously don’t have to explain yourself to me). It does sound like he’s bent over backwards to look like it’s 50/50 on paper (we all know that it’s anything but in reality) and now realises he’s doing more than he needs to to justify (to himself, to a future judge) not paying any CMS, and rather than being a grown-up and asking whether you could rejig Fridays to an earlier drop off, he’s inventing excuses. There We Are Then. Personally, I’d just take the heat out of the whole situation and suggest replicating Mondays’ arrangement on Fridays (ie dropping them all back with you at 8 in the holidays, and in term-time dropping the twins then going on to take the oldest two to school). I wouldn’t do it for him. I’d do it for myself (gives him a lot less scope for playing power games) and the kids, as it creates more consistency (because you’ve taken away his ability to keep chopping and changing). That way, his drop-offs are at the same time every week and there’s less scope for playing silly buggers (and less of a need to communicate with the twat).

This, when co-parenting you have to choose your battles and id be inclined to go with the above or accept he is not going to stick to the time.