There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

This is a good idea

I’m not 100% sure but I have a feeling that the 10am was his idea. lf it gets changed to earlier, I suspect he’ll keep her waiting until 10am to drop them off and saying it was only those couple of weeks he needed to drop them off earlier, why is she being so uncooperative? Which on paper may give her the 10am but he’ll probably vary it, just to keep her on her toes.

Possibly, but he’d soon get bored with that. Wrangling the twins in and out of the car an extra (unecceary) number of times at school drop-off or entertaining them all at home for a few hours during the holidays, whilst keeping an eye on the clock to make sure he’s not late for drop off (all the while, possibly chomping at the bit for his free time to start): I can’t see him thinking that’s better than the alternative just so he can keep playing his current silly games with OP.

In an ideal world drop off times could be organised on the actual week with give and take on both sides .

It was his idea for 10am drop offs on a Friday as he wanted to take our eldest to school and then our oldest daughter in September.

I’ve offered him an earlier drop off on a Friday and he was the one who suggested 10am for the reasons above.

I don't think I’ve ever questioned myself so much about something before and if I’m doing the right thing.

Hi op because he is such a twat he wants to have the last word or decision because if you try changing things he will call you controlling and throw his dummy out the pram I don’t think he will care what mediation says because he wants control I would stick with it as he suggested and just remind him at drop off 10am Friday as you wanted also I’m not sure if you have suggested this but while the kids are on holiday would he let you drop them off Tuesday night at bedtime once you have them ready so they don’t have to get up so early on Wednesday morning. You are doing your best for your kids already it’s him who isn’t.

Questioning yourself is inevitable with these kinds of people. They absolute certainty that they should be prioritised, catered to, provided with whatever they need in the moment, leaves you unsettled. It’s so unreasonable you wonder whether you’ve misunderstood something somewhere along the line.

DH, who I’m still with, has a similar effect on me. His utter confidence left me assuming he was right. He’s been a bit shocked in more recent years when I’ve disagreed and stopped simply ‘going along’. I was predisposed to it, having been brought up by an even more unreasonable mother.

You may be right but some men, not saying Twatoo is one of them, go to such extremes to mess their exes about, putting in so much effort and work in the process. I really don’t think he’ll be keeping an eye on the time to make sure he’s not late, I expect he’ll drop off the kids whenever he feels like it (lie in/going somewhere), which won’t be the prearranged time, whatever he can do to inconvenience and annoy OP (and then turn around and say she’s uncooperative).

I agree. In an ideal world.. where both parents are prioritising the children's needs and schedules,
He's not ideal co-parenting material unfortunately and he's too dense to see it because he only sees his own needs, not the childrens'. I think he's currently doing what they call resentful parenting, as he's now got far more parenting to do than he ever has had before and he is also annoyed that OP has less than the majority parenting she had before..

He thought he could waltz off into his carefree tattooed sunset, with his mum picking up most of the slack and avoiding contributing to his four children's needs.

I’d be more than happy to be accommodating on the Friday they come back to me in regards to times, however his interests don’t appear to lie with spending quality time with the kids or what is best for them so far. He seems more concerned with getting them back to me as early as he possibly can so he can start his free time.

Honestly, I would just think about what makes you and the kids happiest (in a difficult situation which is not of your making) - even if that is sometimes ‘letting’ him get away with stuff if it suits you. One thing is clear: you are a strong, fantastic mum and will make sure your kids come out of this happy and well adjusted. He will either settle into properly parenting and learn to be a proper father - which will benefit both him and the kids - or he’ll eventually move towards less of a 50/50 split and pay CMS (voluntarily or otherwise), which will be his loss. Yes, you will feel sad for the kids if this happens, but they hopefully can’t miss what they never had, and you are clearly more than enough for them. For now, sod him, get well and have a fabulous week away with your lovely kids, without that irritating scroat bothering you ❤️❤️❤️

The only point of mediation is that you need to do it before going to court.
The point of going to court is twofold: to get a financial order to split the assets and for child maintenance (separate to the CMS process), and to get a child contact order, especially if you want to go for more than 50%.

As I posted a few days ago:
What is the timetable for the divorce? If you know a rough timetable, that will help you bite your tongue when he is being an arsehole. You will be gathering all your evidence in the meantime, then hit him with it in court (or mediation beforehand).
Keep Notes Of Bullshit
Ask your solicitor for dates and an explanation of the process (do some googling first to get a basic understanding).
You need to know how long this phase is going to drag on for.

Don't jump the gun. Lots of posters here are all riled up by what a total dick he is being, and can't wait to see you fight back and threaten CMS etc. We are all angry on your behalf.
Don't do it. Keep your cards very close and don't give him any sign of what you are doing or might decide to do.

But don’t make that the point to argue about, OP. He will never prioritise the children in the same way you do, not in a month of Sundays. I completely understand why this angers you. However Friday mornings seem to be a real bone of contention, and if there could be some weekly flex, this may benefit both of you? Because when overnight stays are calculated for CMS purposes, I doubt the drop off time the following day comes into it?

@mummy917

I’m feeling torn about what to do for the best in regards to mediation.

It sounds as if it's just a step you have to take to move things forward. Do you think he'd actually show up? If so, there is something called 'shuttle mediation'. This is where you sit in separate rooms and the mediator 'shuttles' between you with offers/counteroffers. If he refuses or it comes to nothing (which I think will probably be the outcome since he's so ridiculous in his demands) or if he agrees then reneges, at least you'll be ready for the next step and you'll hopefully have some evidence showing that he is not negotiating in the DC's best interests.

FWIW I found this via Google :

https://www.evolvefamilylaw.co.uk/blog/can-i-skip-mediation-and-go-straight-to-court/

(I'm not in the UK so obvs not recommending this firm)

From the man who wanted to skip child custody time entirely if he might be ill 🙄

I suppose he's sticking to form.

Log it @mummy917.

He's a manipulator and cannot conceive that @mummy917 will never behave in that way.

No I don’t think the drop off or pick up times do come into it, it’s purely down to the number of overnights which he knows.

I feel like if I give him an inch, he will take a mile and I’ve wondered if it’ll just be easier if I just let him bring them home when he wants to on the Friday morning as it feels as though I’m already fighting a losing battle to get him to want to spend that bit of extra time with them.

Him wanting to spend time with the children is not your battle to fight, even though I totally get your frustration. But what you do need, is some sort of schedule that works. No way am I suggesting he gets it all his own way, or should do less than 50/50 unless he pays CMS. However if he wants an earlier drop off on Fridays, and you don’t really mind, would a little flex here pay dividends elsewhere (to your benefit)? Are there other points in the schedule where a minor adjustment could work for you?

I think I would let the 10am thing go. I'd just say, in writing, that the 10 am drop off that he had requested doesn't seem to suit him and reiterate your earlier offer to have them at any time in that morning. He's never not going to be a prick and I'm 100pc team OP but this particular battle seems to be just costing stress to OP and possibly the children. Every expectation you had of him as a dad is now in the dirt, and from my personal experience, will remain there for ever. Just protect your own peace rather than wrangling over minutiae like this would be my approach here.

As time is going on, I’m thinking the same to be honest. The only time I’ll ever need him to have them later than 7am realistically is if I do a Thursday night shift.

I think you should tell him that you're happy to have them back at 7am or 7.45am on a Friday.....he'll be so annoyed with you being accommodating he'll soon stick to 10am....its all mind games and designed to make him in charge.

TBH I wouldn't be looking to change things at this point. You need to make sure he understands that you are setting boundaries.

I would send a message as PPs have suggested, stating that he’s clearly not sticking to agreed times - but put it back to him. ‘Do you need to alter our agreement?’ Rather than you suggest it. See what he says. If it makes no difference to you I think it would be better to let him to respond saying either yes let’s change it or no I will stick to it. Because then if he doesn’t it’s just another shred of evidence for later down the line! But give him the opportunity here.
I’ve been following your story for a while & just want to say - you’re a hero. I’m in awe of your commitment, patience & generally wonderful outlook - karma will come back round to bite your ex in the bum hard!!

That's a good idea. Given that 10.00 was his suggestion in the first place, if you're seen to move against that, it might not look good for you. But if you frame it well, it can be seen as you being flexible if you give him the option.

Yes I definitely think asking him if he needs to change it and being accommodating, will be the best way to go, will also save my own sanity, but most importantly won’t have the kids feeling like they’re all over the place. I think he’s probably realised that the kids are up anywhere from 5am anyway so any hope of a lie in that day while it’s the school holidays, is just out of the question.