There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

I’m really sorry to derail thread slightly - but would you mind posting a link to Broken’s thread please? I read half of it and was fully invested in finding out how she got on but now can’t find it. Thank you.

Hi op I hope you manage to have a few good days this week. It won’t be easy especially kids being sick but all of this situation is out of your control so do what you want for yourself. I’m sure your friends are helping I would say with therapy it does unravel a lot more than you realise. He is the controlling one dismissing your feelings this is abuse how can a man tell you how you are feeling inside. They absolutely can’t they just can’t handle the truth. I have had this said to me on more than one occasion it pisses me off. Once you are at work things might get better as you will be busy and right now your trying to fill the gaps. You are doing amazing so fuck the twattoo and be kind to yourself.

I went for relationship counselling and found it really hard going, and it just seemed to open up more wounds. I think you need to be in the right place for it to be effective. It doesn't work for everyone.

I think you're doing amazingly well OP, and you'll get stronger every day.

@Hollycoco

apologies to @mummy917 as this will be the 3rd time this has been posted on your thread, once by someone else and twice by me.
Tho maybe sharing good/positive news for a 3rd time is a good thing...

www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5047669-i-need-helpcompletely-brokenseparating-from-husband?

For the first time in years I am still in my pyjamas and I’m cooking myself a nice tea tonight. I’ve sent a message asking how the kids are today but had no reply yet.

Yeah I do agree and think I maybe need to be in a better headspace for therapy to work more effectively. I do think being back at work and in that routine too will help.

And I’m sure being a valued member of the team and not having anyone telling you that you are less than you should be will help massively

Yay that sounds like a lovely day.

I imagine he’ll make you wait for a response as to how the kids are, gives him a bit of control and he’s probably still cross you didn’t answer him in the middle of the night.

It's probably too soon while everything is still in upheaval, especially emotions. OP doesn't think it would help right now. Maybe when calmer waters have been reached and more time for reflection? 🌸

I'm more of a lurker on your threads @mummy917 - I don't have much in the way of relevant experience to offer. But I do want to say how much I admire your strength, resolve and spirit. This is a seriously sh~tty thing that life has thrown your way and it's not fair. You are doing so well and are mighty (even if you don't feel like it much sometimes).

Your children are so lucky to have you as their mum. Keep going. So many unseen faces here are really rooting for you. xx

Just posting these links here OP (and also useful for anyone else), of free online resources that you could dip in and out of if you felt like it.

I was signposted to them by Access to Work when I was struggling. The Australian site was really helpful:

• https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself
• https://actionforhappiness.org/
• http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/

Hi op good for you chilling. I have just read through the other post that people have mentioned on here it was posted around 12.20 today sounded very similar to your first posts 2 years ago she is in a much better place and it could show you there is light at the end of the tunnel also mentioned journal your thoughts and feelings. Worth a read.

You’ll know when the time is right for counselling OP, and I agree it’s probably too soon yet.

Although it’s years since all this happened for me, I still get a renewed thrill each time I think ‘Right, I’m going to cook myself a really nice meal from scratch, just for me, just the stuff I really like”. It’s freedom on a plate

I’ve read quite a lot of that lady’s post and found it very helpful and very reassuring just how far she’s came. 2 years seems like a long way off at the minute but I know in the grand scheme of things it isn’t at all.

Yeah it does feel a bit too soon for more counselling at the moment, I don’t feel like I have the brain space for it just yet. I would love to be able to take up cooking from scratch more, stuff like bread etc. It’s maybe something to consider while the kids are with their dad.

I said before. You can’t appease an abuser. Well you can, but it won’t stop his nastiness. The dynamic of abusive relationships continue even after separation, it takes work to change it.

It’s really difficult but better to try and break the pattern, but it will be easier now and more difficult as time goes on. He is used to being in control but you can change that. Otherwise you’ll spend your life feeling frustrated, and potentially subsidising him at the expense of you and the DC. Not to mention always having him in your head .

Look at the Freedom Programme, it’s a life changer.

I think engaging with this thread is a form of therapy, for now. It’s clear you’ve had some big insights and breakthroughs emotionally just from chatting things through with other posters.

I definitely have, it’s been a saving grace on so many dark days. I’ve learned so much that I wouldn’t have known otherwise and it has definitely opened my eyes and made me feel so much less alone. It is full of the most amazing people

@mummy917 you sound so much stronger than you did even a week or so ago. I really hope you are proud of how far you’ve come. You are coming across so much stronger in your interactions with Twattoo and setting boundaries which is great. Is he aware that you only want to communicate via text now?

Thank you, I feel much stronger than I did just a few weeks ago. I haven’t spelled that out to him, but if or when he does try to ring me, I won’t be answering the call and will ask him via text what is the problem.

Good move OP to commit him to text.
Document that he’s been slow to give you an answer about your daughters’ health. I hope they feel better soon. x

@mummy917 it's absolutely fine to wait until you feel ready for therapy or counselling, there's no rush. It also might take a few goes to find a therapist or counsellor that is right for you, which is particlarly annoying when you need support and are not in a great place to audition counsellors!

You are doing an incredible job; enjoy the peace of mind being unshackled from your absolute twat of an ex.

I don’t think I have the brain space at the moment to tell numerous different therapists about all of this.

At the moment, I’m enjoying the peace I feel like I am slowly finding.

I’m sure that’s going to feel massively unfair to Twattoo that you’re finding peace and free time while he’s having to spend the entire weekend looking after four children 😂😂😂😂

I think we are all quite shocked Twattoo hasn’t returned the children yet this week due to sickness and them just being children who need attention. I also imagine him going from getting to lie-in Friday-Sunday every week to only getting lie-ins on a Saturday and Sunday every other week (never on a sacred Friday) is seriously hurting his beauty sleep.

@mummy917I’ve been catching up on all of your threads over the past week and I have to say you are amazing. It’s so hard when you have become conditioned to feeling like all the arguments or bad times are your fault and any feelings you have are just for sympathy or because you’re being manipulative. I’m glad you’re finally getting to a place where you’re seeing that wasn’t the case and hopefully you can start seeing what a wonderful mum and woman you are.

Don’t feel bad for all the ups and downs that may be to come. It’s natural as you grieve the relationship you had but remember you are worth more than the lies and manipulation this man has dealt you over the years.

I’m praying that you can find peace and that he steps up for his children. But no matter what, you will be their constant and fantastic mum. Wishing you all the best. We’re all here with you 🙏🙏🙏❤️

I’ve heard from him this morning and our eldest is now poorly with the sickness bug. I was meant to be picking him up tomorrow morning for a few hours as he has a cricket game and ex’s car is apparently broken now, but if he’s got a bug he will have to miss his cricket. Poor kid will be gutted 😩