There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

Right now you just have to do one day at a time, then it will be one week at a time, then yes it will be one month at a time.

You are at the beginning of a journey, not a journey of your choice ! one day and none of us knows when you will have reached the end of this current journey and you will be older, wiser and not entirely unscathed but
you will get there.

and if I were a betting person, I would bet that 50/50 does not continue but I can't guess a time line on that but it's all about money that is the only reason he will do 50/50

Over the course of this separation so far, he often throws that comment I made to him, in my face and when I’ve told him he also needs to take some accountability for it, he blows up and turns nasty with his words.

You touched a nerve with it. And he's proving it with everything he does, and he knows it, and he knows you know it, and he hates that you're right, so he's decided it's "controlling" to be right.

Great that you're grey-rocking the nonsense - it will be pissing him off that he can't get at you in the same way.

@mummy917

After the way he spoke to me yesterday, something in me changed and I don’t know why or what is was specifically about that particular instance

Sounds as if you've had an emotional breakthrough. Don't question it too closely. Just accept that your 'new feeling' is the valid and correct one.

I have woken up to a message off him in the middle of the night, complaining that he’d been up for over an hour. Well the kids are poorly, comfort them? Do what needs to be done? It’s shitty behaviour such as that, that makes me worry because why is he texting me complaining about it instead of just dealing with it and making sure they’re okay?

I'm sure he's feeling quite 'put upon' since he's really never had to deal with ill children before. However, you don't know that he hasn't dealt with it. It's quite possible that he did but he needs to provoke a reaction in you for 'making' him deal with it. Don't let him do that to you.

FWIW if you had called him after the message to make sure the DC were ok, he probably would have accused you of 'trying to control him since he is quite capable of caring and doesn't need you telling him what to do!'. Can't win for losing.

Sounds like it's his Mum doing 50/50, not him. He even took his DC to her when two of them were ill and she could have caught it. I wonder how long she will be willing to do most if not all of his childcare for him. 🙄

This.

This.

He was part time. You were not wrong! He didn’t like it because it was true and his ego can’t handle it.

Well done on the progress you’ve made emotionally recently, @mummy917 !!

The constant dismissal of your feelings, just an excuse as your upset? You upset because of that reason, it’s not an excuse. Given how his brain works. That was also just him deflecting back. So he just lives on excuses…. No integrity.

You are well shot.

I hope you do get to enjoy some of the child free time. Have you got anything nice planned? It will feel really alien for a good while, especially knowing they’re unwell.

You are allowed a break to recharge, reconnect with yourself outside of being a mum, it will make you a better parent.

And like someone else said preciously, he is now doing 50% of everything (well, maybe not quite everything, but you get the point), not 50% of what he was doing before! Although, technically not, as his mum is doing what half?

Anyway, you’re doing great. You’ve learned and dealt with A LOT in a relatively short space of time!

Maybe do write that book of all the examples, it’ll help you see things more clearly….

I am entertained by the thought that unless his mum has moved in, he won’t be having many lie ins when the kids are with him. The more you tell us about him OP, the worse he sounds and the more I think you are so much better off without him.

I didn’t see it at the time when I called him a part time dad and he genuinely made me believe I had said the worst thing possible to him. However he’s shown himself for what he is.

I am better off, I know now that everything does fall to me and I never feel annoyed, waiting for someone else to do their share, so it’s even easier to just get on with what needs to be done if that makes sense. And in a way, it is more freeing. I don’t feel like a fool for doing everything when someone should be doing their share because now it is solely my responsibility and my house has never been so peaceful.

The feeling of relief when we free ourselves from a bad marriage is quite shocking. And it's awful to realise, with the benefit of hindsight, just how bad things had got. It's very clear to me that he is a bully, and that you were bullied into submission to the point of doubting your own mind.

It'll take a while for the fog to clear. (You might want to look up FOG - fear, obligation and guilt.)

You are at the beginning of your road to recovery. You might want to consider getting some counselling / therapy to help you unpick your feelings.

When this excuse of a man says you’re controlling, what he actually means is, you’re so competent, making him look and feel a complete dick!
you are an awesome woman and mother, you have so got this😀

I had a few sessions of private therapy a few months back and didn’t feel like it did a great deal so I didn’t pay for another session. I’ll be honest, I’m slightly worried to unpick this situation as if it takes a toll on my mental health, I don’t want that to impact the kids or my job in any way.

Now you’ve begun to see the reality of how he was treating you and making you feel guilty for that I suspect therapy will feel entirely different.

Part time dad or Bare Minimum Dad, BMD, either way he truly is an ugly, nasty, abusive piece of work.
You are going to thrive, as will your children.

@mummy917 I actually think you are going to need your real strength for when he tries to come crawling back. He’s manipulative and I think he’ll try and twist and turn his leaving to you being the bad guy for not taking him back, you’ll be painted as the one responsible for breaking up the family as you won’t have him back.

As soon as he sees he can’t get to you any more, that he can’t control you, he’s going to eventually start laying on the charm. Let’s be honest he’s going to wake up to the fact he actually had it pretty easy and actually parenting 4 children 50% of his time when not at work is a lot harder than he had it before. Thats when you will need your strength to really stand up to him and say no.

It may be helpful and something I will put some thought into for over the next few months.

I really don’t think (and also hope) that he won’t try to come back. Now that the rose coloured glasses seem to be slipping and the more nasty interactions I end up getting from him, I crave that peace and indifference even more and want to focus on getting me and my kids to that place. It just feels so strange to think how happy I thought I was and when I see written down, how he acts, I don’t understand how I thought I was happy.

You are better off without him. If he tries to come back just tell him you have recognised him for the abusive prick that he is, so no thanks.

My worry is that he doesn’t come across as someone who’s out there living their best life. He seems incredibly bitter and twisted, hence why he’s blowing up at you constantly. Someone who was truly happy with their new life wouldn’t be holding on to so much anger.

I’m not convinced - my ex was living the life he wanted and was happy but was still massively angry at me for not falling apart when he left

I think he’s so used to talking to me the way he does, that he probably doesn’t even realise he is doing it half the time. Yes the 50% of actual parenting he now has to do is probably not what he expected, but I fully believe he will be enjoying not having me there for the 50% of the time he hasn’t got the kids as in that time he doesn’t need to consider anyone else.

Even that may not be as great as he’d expected. He will still be at work a lot of that time but will come home to no meal ready, nobody to make him feel special and then the bathroom will need cleaning and his takeaway boxes will not put themselves in the bin 😂😂

You’re doing so well keep going! X

I agree with @Lizchapman . My ex was having a ball - living with the OW, in a 'trendy' area of a big city, going to concerts, out every night. He was still a complete w@nker to me.

I think on some level they do feel a sort of guilt about what they've done, and they get angry with us because they blame us for 'making them' feel that way.

And in their own minds they are so important that we should surely be devastated when they leave - so if we simply shrug and get on with life it’s as though we have challenged their entire world view.

Yes I agree with that. However my ex now feels in regards to the whole situation, will undoubtedly be my fault for making him feel that way in the first place. If that’s how he feels then fair enough, but it is no longer my job or my business to make him feel or think otherwise.

Does your employer have a scheme where you can access free counselling by sessions?