Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

OP, the situation you find yourself in is, sadly, far more common than people realise. I’ve experienced similar & can honestly say that compromising your values, beliefs & self worth just isn’t worth it. It won’t change anything in the toxic, dysfunctional & delusional family. I know it’s painful & it feels as though you can’t win either way. But stand your ground, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, you’ve been treated horrendously. You wouldn’t be expected to put up with this from a stranger or from a friend, so why should you put up with it from relatives? Therapy has helped me tremendously, I’m not sure I would’ve survived without it. Sending you lots of love & strength ❤️

I'm sorry this happened to you... The fact that there has been no apology at any point says a lot about the nephew and his parents. I guess they're hoping everyone forgets.

When my husbands nephew was 13 there was a large family event - he was doing silly things like jumping on the roof of a bouncy castle while my kids were inside it. I spoke to his Mum a number of times but she didn't stop his behaviour. He then claimed that I had hit him! They believed him and I was so shocked and upset. I left the house that night and we hardly talked for a year. There was a death in the wider family which brought us back together....but his accusation has never been talked about. I don't talk to that nephew at all. I go to some of the family events but avoid him. I don't wish him a happy birthday or ever ask about him. I talk to his parents but we have never talked about that night. It's hard.

Radical feminists officially believe that all sex is rape. Doubting you are what you say you are.

If he has matured and is now a nice guy, he would have contacted you to apologise.
Because that's what someone would do if they had assaulted a family member then got their life together and grown into a decent person.

So I'm sceptical tbh. You only know what they are telling and showing you. He may not have changed one bit.

If it were me I would go to family events but make it quite clear I’m not happy with the nephew. Be courteous but frosty with him. He behaved appallingly but not unusual for a rebellious teenager in my experience of having raised two boys on my own. I’m not condoning his behaviour but I wouldn’t let it turn into a life long feud.

It’s not a question of achieving something. He assaulted her both physically and verbally. Why does she need to have any other reason than that for not wanting to move on without an apology. Disgust, anger, resentment, are all good enough reasons. I could never look at him again.

I would need the apology before I could even think about moving on from that. The way his parents acted was ridiculous

I raised two boys on my own. I can’t relate at all to that. Mine would never have behaved anything like that.

Exactly this.
He is 23, knows what he did, knows the ongoing cost to the family - you especially. And doesn't do what he knows he needs to to heal all that.

I doubt he's changed much.

Just to reiterate what others have said, surely if he's matured that much he would recognise how abhorrent his behaviour was and apologise to you. Profusely. He should be mortified.

The fact he hasn't suggests one of two things. 1) He doesn't feel he has anything to apologise for (therefore hasn't matured) or 2) He's too embarrassed to apologise, which I can understand, but he needs to put on his (new) big boy pants and say sorry.

Whatever the reason, I don't blame you at all for not wanting to maintain a relationship with him until he makes amends for what he did.

I would attend the gatherings and mix with the family you like, and that is exactly what I do.
I have nt spoken to one sis for the past 20 years.
Doesn't bother me going to family events.
Im able to pret

It’s a shame one of his other Aunts or Uncles don’t pull him aside and tell him he needs to put things right with you or at least apologise now that he has grown up. They should be telling him to help things move on by addressing what he did.

I think what he did to you would be unforgivable in someone a few years older but 17 is still very young and it sounds like his parents had given up on him too. It is great that he has matured and I would forgive him but I would expect him to give you and your family the acknowledgment that he did wrong at the time.

I know exactly how you feel but I'm able to attend gatherings and pretend to myself that my sis isn't there.
Doesn't bother me but depends what your nephew has done

They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

The nephew is the one who should ‘be the adult’ and apologise. They should ne pressurising him not you.

The victim blaming "its your fault, you are making us uncomfortable because you won't let it go" is sadly not uncommon.

I would have reported this physical and the verbal assault to the police. His parents were out of order to guilt trip you into not doing so.

Frankly I would cut all of them out of your life.

Anyone who excuses violence does not deserve to be in your life, the fact that they are relatives does not make any difference.

His parents enabling his behaviour at the time is actually a missed opportunity for him to have to face up to his criminal behaviour when he was a teen and hopefully learn from it/change rather than letting him continue to be a thug.

If by "pret" you mean pretend, why should you?

it's worth considering whether OP is hurting herself worse than the nephew given its she who's being isolated from family rather than him

Yep. It seems as though everyone in the family is suffering/losing out, except him. OP is being isolated, her parents can never have the whole family together, and everyone's affected by the awkwardness.

But the nephew himself is positively advantaged by @letmebetheone staying away. He doesn't have to face her and is free to burnish his reputation within the family, while hearing everyone criticise his victim.

Sadly OP 's stance, while entirely reasonable, has been counter-productive.

Op I would go to family gatherings and presumably there will be girlfriends appearing in the scene who he will certainly not want hearing this part of his history.

I agree, I think I would be prepared to forgive (if not forget) if nephew had come and given a heartfelt apology now he is older and seems wiser. They fact that he hasn't makes me think that the sense of entitlement is still there. His parents not making him accountable for his actions probably means that he's pleasant enough when things are going his way but I'd be wary about how he would respond to adverse conditions.

It's difficult to accept your family's response of wanting to sweep it under the carpet and move on but sadly that is how a lot of families operate. I don't have the best relationship with my sibling due to their behaviour but I remain pleasant enough when I have to, to keep the peace. My mum knows how I feel and why but never stops trying to 'bring us together' and telling me I will need to 'look after' them when she's gone. I've told her many times to stop with the emotional blackmail but she can't help herself.

I don't think you're unreasonable to not want to have any contact with nephew or his parents. Unfortunately that does mean that you will be left out of some family gatherings. It's not fair, but it is what it is. If you can make your peace with that, and put your energies into other things, you will probably be happier.

I agree.

There's lots of posts essentially telling OP to be the bigger person, to go along to gatherings but ignore him.

OP already is the bigger person.
Knowing family set ups like this... the Sister who has been arranging family gatherings and lots of photos of smiling son.. .and has been a prinicple in allowing him to get away with not apologising ( indeed screaming abuse at her on her doorstep) . I think she's been putting out her DS PR to the rest of the family. If OP were to turn up on the condition that she can ignore him... Hows the Sis going to react... She will pressurise OP as she did before in front of everyone. She doesn't want to be fair, she wants the whole episode forgotten.

I think that would be forgetting that OP was assaulted physically and verbally, and its not just the Nephew who needs to apologise to her, its the whole lot of them. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as a smirking abuser, and his enablers either. Are they really going to be nice to OP for standing her ground and refusing to bury this - she tried that once by letting them talk her out of reporting it. I can't see people like that being happy she's back and in their faces again when they've had a free run for several years.

The attitude of the others is that OP makes them feel uncomfortable because of this.. its pack mentality.

I don't know what the solution is OP.. Are there any family members you could see outside of the whole clan gatherings? If so, I'd continue to do that. You don't have to see Sis and Nef if you don't want to. What do your parents think are they happy to see you without mentioning rejoining all the time?

Ultimately though, it doesn't feel like there will be any backing down from them, why spend time with people you can't trust and who upset you? This can have a devastating effect on your confidence and trust in people. I hope you can find ways to rebuild that confidence that are not dependent on family (or at least the most hostile ones) and that will make you happier. Family is not all as we are always told in adverts and the media. Sometimes they are unworkable and you have your own life to live. x

Hi op it would be difficult for most people to forgive that type of behaviour. I don’t know how it can be resolved but Facebook is not always true real life. Your family are actually condoning his behaviour and dismissing your feelings. He should have apologised and his parents should have apologised for way he treated. 17 is still old enough to understand right from wrong. What happens if his gf says no to something will he hit her too will this be acceptable. I don’t think so.

I know this won’t be popular but in your place I would probably make one final effort to resolve this. I’d make it clear to whoever you think most relevant (him, his parents, one of his other siblings) that you’re willing to put what happened behind you if nephew apologises. (If that’s true.)

I say that because I think that this is causing you a lot of grief and cutting you off from your larger family, which isn’t fair on you. It might be that everyone else has forgotten you just want an apology.

It IS a long time in a young person’s life and I do know a lad who was violent within the family at that age and is now a decent person. if your nephew has been on a similar journey he might be keen to patch things up.

And if not, sod them.

There is a similar thread running at the moment about a family “friend” being invited to events, even though the person who introduced her to the family wanted nothing more to do with her. And another where the OP “doesn’t want to take sides” even though one of her friends is clearly bullying the other.

What you’ll see from both threads is that, time and again, people take the path of least resistance. They can’t handle confrontation, or even just speaking up when they should. So you have your brothers pussyfooting around not wanting to get involved, or shrugging their shoulders and saying “Well, it’s not our fight”. And your nephew is also shrugging and saying he’s got no problem with you and is happy to forget it (even though it’s his bloody fault in the first place) - meaning you get cast as the villain, and the one making things awkward (perish the thought).

Stand your ground. It won’t be easy, but they’re relying on you giving in for a quiet life. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Your family can moan all they like, but if they’re that bothered about any fallout, they can put pressure on your nephew to sort things instead. They won’t at the moment because they know he won’t give in. You shouldn’t either.

If you are comfortable that an apology from him will help, why is the family not putting pressure on him to come and apologise? They all know it is causing frosty atmosphere at family events.

Personally I would be missing a few events and making sure they know why you are not there, him or me type option