Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

You aren’t responsible for the family division, your nephew is. It was his behaviour that led to this, and the lack of parenting from your sister and BIL. I would actually consider going to the police, even so it’s on record. And hell would freeze over before I was in the same room as that man… stand your ground.

I think it’s hard to give advice on whether you should let it go if we don’t know what it is that he’s done.

I assume it was something very serious if you were considering going to the police, so I would say you are probably well within your rights to not just “let it go”, especially with no remorse or apology from him at all.

Do not set yourself on fire to keep
others warm. He has caused this division here, not you.

I would move on, not for his benefit but for yours.

At the moment you’re waiting for an apology which will probably never come and it’s disrupting your relationships with your wider family.

I wouldn’t bother with trying to forgive him, he’s not sorry. But I would attend family events even if he’s present and be civil.

Take your power back.

I assume at 23 hes still being mollycoddled by his parents??.
If what ever happened has upset you this much then I wouldnt be backing down, but is it possible for you to attend family events but not speak to your nephew?

I'm so sorry. People can be so distressingly avoidant about things like this. They can't face tackling your nephew, so they've turned on you instead. They can't understand why you are unwilling to pretend everything is fine, when the consequence is their having to feel uncomfortable.

You aren't going to change these people. They will not prioritise your needs. You need to decide whether to get on board with the family story (no), or to give yourself space from them all.

Again, I'm so sorry. These people do not have your back.

Impossible to comment without knowing what he’s done.

Spilling red wine on your cream carpet - YABU. Burning your house down - YANBU.

It all depends what he did, how old he was and any mitigating factors (for example, some children with certain conditions might not be able to control toileting, others have been known to "dirty protest"-you don't say what he did but that it's something awful-if it's something like that, a lot depends on how much he could or could not control it).
Likewise if he said something offensive.
Would counselling help, or would this not be possible or appropriate?
Not actually asking for a reply, just trying to suggest something that might help.

What would they say if you rephrased the initial incident and the follow up behaviour, as though it had been a stranger?

Something like, how would you want us to react if a man did x, y, z to you, then stood on your doorstep swearing at you? Would you want any support or would you Want us all to pretend it never happened?

So he was 18 when he did whatever it was. He was an adult, although admittedly only just.
Your family seem avoidant and quite naive. Are you also concerned that he may be behaving inappropriately towards other women or girls in the family?

What are you achieving from refusing to be in the same room as him?
It seems pointless to me. I'm not saying you need to be friendly with him but refusing to be in the same room just seems like continuing a long standing drama which benefits no one and makes life uncomfortable for you and the rest of the family.

I know this is Mumsnet, but even so I can't imagine that anyone here would consider calling the police for a red wine on cream carpet incident.

It really depends on what he did tbh.

One of my uncles hit (slapped) one of my aunts (his sister), the feud lasted a lifetime. I have no idea exactly what happened I was 'too young to know', she was very proper and he had an alcohol problem so easy to guess how it could happen. It did ruin many family events, even my mother's funeral many years later was tense and I suspect that might have been the first time they had been in the same room for 40 years. What did your nephew do?

They’re asking you to move on when there hasn’t been any restoration. He hasn’t apologised, so why should you forgive?

No, your family are incredibly shortsighted and rather stupid for ignoring the facts and covering for him all this time and it will no doubt come back to bite them in the end.

When he eventually does something dreadful to someone outside of the family who won’t be dissuaded from reporting him to the police, they’ll be begging you to keep schtum about past events, but after they way they treated you, I’d think fuck the lot of them.

Isn't it interesting that it’s always the woman who’s required to ‘put up and shut up’ rather than making the male person take responsibility for their actions?

There's no reason at all why you should 'move on', forgive/ forget etc.

Log the incident with the police so it's on record if he does something else to you or another person in the future.

Nobody is doing this guy any favours by pretending his behaviour is normal and ok.

I think it's hard to judge/help when we don't know what he did.

When I was 12 I was at an aunt's wedding with my parents, happily dancing away when for some reason, still unknown to this day, one of my uncles (large Catholic family), slapped me hard across the face sending me onto the floor. I think he was probably drunk.

My father made him apologise and I was expected to accept it and move on. Once I was old enough to be able to choose not to attend family events, I would not go to anything where he was present. My parents, however, never understood why I couldn't let it go.

If you can do that to a 12-year old relative I dread to think what else you could do (he had two failed marriages at that point). Had I been someone else, in a pub, on a street, he'd have been arrested for assault.

I'm with you, OP.

It's hard to advise without knowing what he did. If he stole something or outed you or there was SA or something else changes my response

The family need to ignore and protect the status quo at all costs is so strong and so difficult to go against. My sympathies OP. They're making you choose between brushing under the carpet or ostracising you. What a choice!

Nephew, and his parents are responsible for the division of your family and the sooner they get theirs out of their arses and admit that fact the sooner everyone can move on.
Nephew sounds like a nasty piece of work and why you didn’t report him to the police is just beyond me! Do you seriously think he is going to mellow as he gets older?
They have created a monster in him and he needs to admit to his misdemeanour!

You say they "think you're overreacting but they were not there at the time" - is there any chance that giving them more detail might help (if you can)?

Then they might understand more?

He is an adult as well and could choose to make amends, looking back at his behaviour through a new lens. But he hasn't. I'm not sure what you can do to manage this other than just keep repeating you can't be in the same room as someone who was that awful to you and some things are too big to move past

if going to the police was a possibility then I think that describes the level of seriousness without further information.