Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

I would not allow your sis and that twat keep me away from the rest of the family. Organise your own events, get togethers and invite everyone but them. They're not welcome.

At no point did I go against his parents wishes. I did not 'get involved with an aggressive teen'. He was my nephew who I had always been close to and I had no idea he was going to do what he did.

You’re not going to get an apology. That ship has long since sailed.

Who is/was right and who is/was wrong is irrelevant to your situation. Your family have also made it clear that they consider your refusal to be in the same room as nephew your problem.

The question is, do you want to be included in your family occasions more than you want to hold on to your (perfectly valid) anger with nephew? That’s the only available choice you have to make. “Receive an apology” is not on the list.

So, as his closest aunt, you know that he was fundamentally a good kid and that what he did was out of character. He's since turned his life around. Can you really not get past it?

You are assuming he is fine now having ‘turned his life around’, but the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Most 17-year-old boys would hit a girl, let alone hit his aunt several times. It’s great that he’s working and ‘has a nice girlfriend’, but he probably still has a short temper and you don’t know how he responds to her if she annoys him!

Even primary school children know they can't slap someone's face 3 times and expect to carry on their friendships as normal - with no apology.

Imagine a woman you cared about - your sister, daughter, niece, or whoever - had been repeatedly hit and sworn at by her partner. Would you tell her "Oh he's fundamentally a good guy and you should stay with him?". Come on. I don't blame OP for wanting nothing to do with the little scrote, especially since he hasn't apologised.

@Passingthrough123 so if a teenager hit you three or four times, you'd seriously be fine with that? Yeah, right.

I get that what he did was wrong and that he should have apologised, but OP's already said she's not willing forgive, so whatever any of us say in response to this thread is actually irrelevant. My view, FWIW, is that it was a one-off incident that had extenuating circumstances – so not repeated abuse of a female like you're implying – and that until that point, OP thought he was a good kid and had worried about him. Six years on, her stance is hurting only her.

I think @Dixie81 ’s comment was in support of you and against the approach of your family.

Of course I wouldn't be fine with being hit, but if it was my adored nephew who was going off the rails and who until that point I'd been close to, and I knew him doing that was out of character and the result of extenuating circumstances, then I would've tried to deal with it in a way that helped us both. I wouldn't have just cut him and the rest of my family out of my life.

Following the physical assault ...he returned and verbally abused her at home too.

There has to be accountability. Without it he really isn't growing or maturing.

Absolutely. Would not dispute that when it comes to primary school children's friendships.

It was six years ago. OP can't say whether he's grown or matured because she doesn't know him.

Even if there is accountability, OP says she'll never forgive him, so perhaps that's why he won't apologise. He's already heard it'll be a waste of time.

I've read it differently - I think she stated she won't forgive him/be near him (as the situation stands) - as there hasn't been any attempt of apologising or acknowledging that he violently assaulted her.

Read the OP’s update, it’s long and detailed. Better than me summarising here.

It seems like it was never properly acknowledged that you were physically attacked in a frightening situation, and then verbally abused. Awful. I think it's quite understandable that you don't want a relationship with this nephew or his parents. I absolutely wouldn't in your shoes. The rest of your family sound like they don't like to look beneath the surface of things. I don't see any of that changing. You say he has turned his life around, as far as you can see. I wonder if you might get to a place where you're pleased about that despite having a low opinion of his and his parents' behaviour at this time? Would things have been any better if you'd gone to the police, do you think?

He should apologise because an apology is the right thing to do, not because he wants to be forgiven.

17 and how would you describe his violent abusive behaviour.

This.

Is your family worth forgiving this incident or are you going to continue holding a grudge and stop contact with them? It sounds like you have to make that choice, regardless of who was right or wrong at the time

He was 17, his parents were behaving badly in kicking him out. Can you point to where his parents had said no one could drive him anywhere and therefore acting against their wishes?
OP has clarified she didn't know he was violent. Honestly, shame on you for trying to make someone who was trying to help, responsible for being punched repeatedly. You seem to embrace the mysogynistic idea that women must act perfectly otherwise they're responsible for male violence against them.

if he is rehabilitated, should he not apologise?

Sounds like you've turned this into an ultimatum of its me or him, and they are clearly picking him.

At this point your grudge only hurts you. Revenge is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It's making you sound bitter. Time to move on for your own peace of mind.

'Revenge is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

if that is true you are doing it wrong

This would be my take on the situation, too, and I think this is why your brother has spoken to you in this way. If you are at a family gathering, you can make sure that you are in a different part of the room so that you do not have to talk to him beyond hello and goodbye. At the moment, the person who is hurting most is you. I think most of us have been very hurt by family members at one time or another and it can take a while to get over the initial shock and wounded feelings. If you can rise above this young man's behaviour, you will be showing the world that you are the better person, even if you are shaking inside.