Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

Bloody ‘ell op. I take back my earlier response, I would not be in the same room as him no matter what the family consequences.

That’s terrible, so sorry that happened to you.

None of this is your fault. That's all you need to remember.

I will say, shame you didn't go to the police but understand the family pressure. He will probably end up in prison one day anyway when his parents can no longer influence what happens.

Per my earlier comment, this is MN. I’ve seen people suggest the police are called over some extremely trivial things. And the OP decided ultimately not to call the police so it can’t be that bad (eg no one is dissuading me from calling the police when someone sexually abuses my child, for example).

Whenever it’s mentioned, by anyone, say, ‘I imagine you’re pleased I didn’t involve the police in the end.’.
Follow up with, ‘I sometimes wish I had. It would be easier if I felt he’d learned anything from it or grown up a bit.’.

I am quite worried for the gf. Lashing out like that is never acceptable and probably should have been reported to the police but the fact he's not sorry 6 years later is very worrying. I wouldn't want to be in a room with him either.

Lovely bit of victim blaming there.

Physical assault should be a hard line for the entire family. I am sorry they are not supporting you.

this

The reason I say that I dont want to see him at all is because I am so bloody angry at the fall out he has caused. I dont want to see his mum and dad either.
If I were to attend a family birthday meal (which we used to have a lot of) and he were here I would probably give him a mouthful and that would be inappropriate. I dont speak to sis and BIL because of their refusal to even tell hm he was out of order and anytime the family are together there is a frostiness because we are not speaking so now I find it easier to just stay away. But his mum is one for getting everyone together for what she calls the 'Usual Family Mugshots' and it really gets my goat to see him stood there all smiles in the middle of the photos. I really should not look at Facebook!

I too would stand my ground.
It’s horrible you are being made to feel outcast and unreasonable by your family.

I’d send everyone the same email/message. “I will not simply ignore the fact that he physically attacked me (multiple punches), verbally abused me and threw my car keys away because I couldn’t offer him a lift. At 17 he was more than capable of managing his actions and emotions. It speaks volumes that I was the only person in our family helping him at the time, yet he choose to repay my kindness with violence. He is very lucky I didn’t press charges and if you all want to ignore that this happened then that’s entirely up to you but I have done nothing wrong. He has never shown any level or remorse or ever offered me an apology or explanation. I do not wish to be around that type of person.

Family or not, I don't think I could tolerate being around a) someone who had assaulted me so violently and b) people who seem to think that's ok. I would create a safe distance between myself and the whole lot of them. He's a violent (probably misogynistic) man who has had no repercussions from his violence so far, so will just be getting worse I should think. I don't know if it's realistic/possible to still report what happened, but if you can I think you should, because sooner or later there will be another incident against another woman.

Oh come on - people mature a great deal between 17 and 23.

Because he'd hit his aunt when being an asshole in his teens who was already thrown out of his parents' house, it doesn't make him a domestic abuser.

He was a shit head, no doubt. But there's a lot of growing up still to do.

No, she's not.

His parents are responsible for his upbringing. OP isn't. She's probably the first person who has ever said "no" to him.

Yeah this.

You're not in the wrong. Your family are a bunch of cowards and don't have your best interests at heart.

I think next time they bring it up you just need to say that if they aren't happy with how you're managing it, you can go to the police, or he can apologise for his actions.

Hi OP 👋
I'm so sorry this happened to you. 😔
He sounds like a spoilt brat who has never been told NO.
I would go to the police and report it as a past crime, so that it is logged.
If he did it once, he could very well do it again.

You didn't need that crap from your family.
They should have backed you up.
Shame on them for enabling a little twat. 😠 😡 😤

He should have been disciplined by his parents at the very least and made to apologise. They did not even manage that. Disgraceful.
I hope you are okay OP
💐 @letmebetheone

Hitting at that age is not normal teenage behaviour. He is out of control! He evidently hasn't matured either as he hasn't apologised!

You’re a mysoginist with no experience of other people and social development?

This ☝️ with bells on 👏

Such wise words. And ones that really resonated with me.

You really ought to have reported it OP, the only thing he'll have learnt from it is that he can assault women and get away with it.

Unfortunately given the time that has passed they likely wouldn't be able to charge him now but you could still report it and they may take it down as intel. It could potentially show up on a Clare's Law disclosure or be used to show a pattern of behaviour should he ever do anything like this again. I'd be concerned for his partner personally.

Your family sound crap and you're probably better off without them. If my son assaulted my sister I would absolutely want him to face consequences.

I would never be I'm the same room as him ever again. I wouldn't give a shit how much upset or divide it caused.

They shouldn't play happy families but it's worth considering whether OP is hurting herself worse than the nephew given its she who's being isolated from family rather than him. Another corse of action would be to attend meetings, be cordial to effusive with all other family members and pointedly blank out the nephew. And beforehand, of course, finally file a report with police.

So he was made homeless by his own parents at 16, but got a job working nights, and entirely lost his rag with you? I’m not excusing his behaviour for a moment but it bears contextualising. He’s been BADLY let down.