Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

I wouldn't want to be around family that didn't comfort OP after she was assaulted. Who have told her to get over it and not made the nephew apologise and have played down the assault. Absolutely disgusting of them to not support OP.

I have never heard a case where someone has behaved the way he has, where the defence offered is - going through a “bad” time, said without any expression of remorse and that the victim should just get over it so his parents can feel more comfortable at family gatherings....

Please go to the Police. This is serious and any info you give may be valuable to any future partner of your nephew.
And FWIW, your victim-shaming family need to take some responsibility for their son's behaviour. They also owe you an apology.

I'd be distancing myself too until it is resolved. Boundaries are wonderful things.

Is there an option to get it on the record with the police stating you don’t want to press charges and then re involve yourself with family events. You could inform the parents you had done this. Your (justified) anger would be reduced perhaps and you could then move on?

I am so sorry OP this is so awful.

Your family are really terrible for not addressing his behaviour.

I don't think your problem is exclusively or even primarily with your nephew - the fact that the rest of the family appears to have minimised his assault on you has got to hurt and be addressed. Personally, that would sting more than what a 17 year old did in a fit of anger (which also I would find unforgivable). I would be questioning the dynamics of your relationship with your wider family, if I were you.

Sorry you're went through that with your nephew, and sorry you're having a rough time with family. In all honesty, families like this never change and I don't think people like this have the reflection skills to see they're the problem. I don't think this is something I could forgive without an apology, he was 17 and would've know hitting someone because they aren't getting their way is not right. Perhaps he is embarrassed and wants to forget, so that's why he hasn't apologised? Maybe he thinks you've moved on? Maybe everyone else in the families reaction, as in it doesn't matter, makes him think it's okay? None of those reasons are good enough, he needs to man up and make amends. I'd be tempted to message and say my say and let the ball lie in their court, it's not like the family bother with you at the moment anyway so you have nothing to lose?
I'm speaking from similar experience, as a teenager I was groomed and SA by a family friend/my nephews dad and have been told on many occasion to just get over it. Funny how they think I should get over the trauma of this but when I went off the rails because of the trauma they're happy enough to throw that in my face instead of moving on themselves! Families suck a lot of the time. Something I'm trying so hard to change for my babies so they don't have to ever go through what I went through.
I hope you're able to get some closure, you deserve better than being treated like this by so called family