Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

I wouldn't want to be around family that didn't comfort OP after she was assaulted. Who have told her to get over it and not made the nephew apologise and have played down the assault. Absolutely disgusting of them to not support OP.

I have never heard a case where someone has behaved the way he has, where the defence offered is - going through a “bad” time, said without any expression of remorse and that the victim should just get over it so his parents can feel more comfortable at family gatherings....

Please go to the Police. This is serious and any info you give may be valuable to any future partner of your nephew.
And FWIW, your victim-shaming family need to take some responsibility for their son's behaviour. They also owe you an apology.

I'd be distancing myself too until it is resolved. Boundaries are wonderful things.

Is there an option to get it on the record with the police stating you don’t want to press charges and then re involve yourself with family events. You could inform the parents you had done this. Your (justified) anger would be reduced perhaps and you could then move on?

I am so sorry OP this is so awful.

Your family are really terrible for not addressing his behaviour.

I don't think your problem is exclusively or even primarily with your nephew - the fact that the rest of the family appears to have minimised his assault on you has got to hurt and be addressed. Personally, that would sting more than what a 17 year old did in a fit of anger (which also I would find unforgivable). I would be questioning the dynamics of your relationship with your wider family, if I were you.

Sorry you're went through that with your nephew, and sorry you're having a rough time with family. In all honesty, families like this never change and I don't think people like this have the reflection skills to see they're the problem. I don't think this is something I could forgive without an apology, he was 17 and would've know hitting someone because they aren't getting their way is not right. Perhaps he is embarrassed and wants to forget, so that's why he hasn't apologised? Maybe he thinks you've moved on? Maybe everyone else in the families reaction, as in it doesn't matter, makes him think it's okay? None of those reasons are good enough, he needs to man up and make amends. I'd be tempted to message and say my say and let the ball lie in their court, it's not like the family bother with you at the moment anyway so you have nothing to lose?
I'm speaking from similar experience, as a teenager I was groomed and SA by a family friend/my nephews dad and have been told on many occasion to just get over it. Funny how they think I should get over the trauma of this but when I went off the rails because of the trauma they're happy enough to throw that in my face instead of moving on themselves! Families suck a lot of the time. Something I'm trying so hard to change for my babies so they don't have to ever go through what I went through.
I hope you're able to get some closure, you deserve better than being treated like this by so called family

Love that quote - I'll try to remember that one :)
Thanks

This ^.

Just because someone is a relative doesn't mean you should accept bad behaviour from them, any more than you should accept it from a stranger.

Being related to you doesn't give them a free pass on manners.

She has a big family, being one of eight kids. I'm sure the whole family hasn't been against OP, or she'd have said. And people do say those sorts of things when they haven't experienced a trauma themselves. They can't understand why someone isn't "over" something five years later. This is very, very common, even after bereavement of immediate family members. It doesn't mean they don't love and value OP, it just means they're garden-variety crap.

What on earth? So go to the police, tell them 5 years ago your nephew hit you.
They are not going to care.
Then, you are going to tell the family that you have done this and ‘re-involve yourself in family events’, yeah, she’s going to be really welcome after telling them all she attempted to get her nephew a criminal record isn’t she.
People telling you to alienate your entire family over this don’t have your best interests at heart OP, it’s just words. You need to talk to your nephew, he probably wants to apologise but is simply too ashamed and has tried to bury it.
He’d only just turned 17 you say, so a few weeks shy of 16 and had been chucked out by his parents? I mean, that’s a lot isn’t it?
Sounds like a horrible time for everyone.

1. A ( just) adult nephew did something bad enough for you to consider going to the police.
2. Instead of apologising or making anends he was subsequently abusive to you.
3. The family want to pretend none of that happened because it's easier than facing his bad behaviour.

In your shoes Id explain that you are not going to be complicit in enabling him to continue to behave badly, possibly more seriously, towards another woman. Either they are prepared to face what he's done and think how best to tackle this before he gets any worse or you log it with the police. Then you'll be happy to join in family events. I dont think they have at all faced the potential consequences of his bad behaviour.

“Either they are prepared to face what he's done and think how best to tackle this before he gets any worse or you log it with the police. Then you'll be happy to join in family events.”

Yeah, she won’t be invited to any more family events if she takes your advice.
No one is going to side with her for trying to get her nephew a criminal record and attempting to brand him a wife beater for life. He also hasn’t gotten ‘any worse’ in the intervening 5 or 6 years, and has by all accounts turned his life around.

I worry about his current girlfriend. If he has changed, then he would feel remorse and apologise. The fact that he hasn't, shows he hasn't really changed at all.

If I was in your position OP, I would just cut them all off, block on Facebook, and move on with my life without them. Being family does not give people a pass for crappy behaviour. You need to protect your peace. It's good you live a bit further away. If it's possible, go even further. Start afresh.

Family like that isn't worth having.

My thoughts exactly!

Her nephew beat her up after she was the only person in the family to take him in when his own parents threw him out.

If he was genuinely sorry, he would have apologised to OP long before now. The lack of apology and emotional blackmail from her family are just compounding the original offence. This isn't just a bit of cheek and backchat from a difficult teenager. It was physical violence from a man to a woman. She could have reported him to the police but she didn't.

Rehabilitating himself as a young man would surely include a heart-felt apology. That is what happens with restorative justice where offenders take direct responsibility and make amends. This certainly hasn't happened here.

OP has said:

'When they threw him out he went to live with a mate that my sister didnt like but she didn't want him back home. His mum and dad knew I was taking him to work and back, I thought it was good that he had got a job and it was keeping him off the streets at night . I never did anything without his parents knowing and at the time they were grateful I was looking out for him.'

OP hasn't said anywhere that she wants to report him to the police.

Like many of us with such family dynamics you’re currently seeing the underbelly of what keeps the family together. It’s horrible. Its a wild wake up ride. You will lose people you thought were relatively ‘nice’. You will naturally revisit old memories of other people in the family and process them in light of the reality you’ve seen displayed undeniably. you will feel sick. You will be disgusted.

And it doesn’t stop with your family. You’ll post on here and you’ll get the same script fron other people with their own history of such families.

Keep listening to the voice that is asking for truth and resolution. the rest don’t love you.

Hell would freeze over before I was the one that didn’t go to the family events, but I sure as hell wouldn’t also be pretending nothing had happened whilst I was there, but I have total form for calling out people to their faces so long as we are not in a public setting (family parties at each others houses is usually the setting and usually when I am stood with only a couple of people) and in the past it’s actually resolved a lot of issues because it has stopped things being swept under rugs and festering.

I was replying to that other poster, not OP.

“Beat her up” doesn’t match how OP described it. There is a distinction and hyperbole matters.

What do you want op?
Do you want to go to family events even though your vile relatives will be there?
Could you keep contact with some of your relatives but see them separately?
Would you prefer to phase all of them out?
It’s obvious nobody is going to apologise to you, so you have have to decide what is the best outcome for you.

There are a couple of posters on here whose attitudes astound me. Presumably they would also tell a woman not to leave her husband if he slapped her a few times then verbally abused her a few days later because England lost the football.

Don’t ostracize yourself from all family members, by avoiding being in the same room. If he speaks to you or others while you are in conversation with them Totally ignore him and whatever he says. Treat him as tho he is a ghost that only you can see and hear. But don’t stay away from family. Do think what your advice would be to another female if he did to her what he did to you. ? Would your advice be go to the police? If you do and he’s in trouble maybe your family will take that situation seriously and not the excuse ‘it’s just him’?

If you are referring to me, I would tell a woman every time to leave in that scenario. But this is not the same as domestic abuse within the home. This was a one-off incident that by OP’s own admission was out of character for her then teenage nephew and what she was asking is how she should tackle the ongoing family rift. I have answered accordingly.

I find the black and white thinking being applied to an historic incident involving a minor equally astounding. 🤷‍♀️

He came round and verbally abused her on a separate occasion to the violence. That's not a one-off, is it?