Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

If he has turned his life around it's not unreasonable that they tell him they are proud of him now. You seem to want them to make him to suffer indefinitely because he was a twat as a teen (it's been years already!). You are still angry at your sis and bil for their parenting at that time, perhaps you are redirecting some of that towards your nephew which is making it harder for you to move forward?

When you put your hands on him to try and stop him leaving/ make him pick up your keys how forceful were you? Did he lash out to get you to let go of him or was he coming after you after you had let go?

Neither is great but there is a difference in the intention behind it that it may be helpful to understand when you consider his side of it.

What he did was bad. I doubt his parents would have been able to force an out of control 17yo to apologise (and a forced apology is meaningless). You need to accept that you aren't going to get the apology you want, you can't control other people, only your reaction to them. You can continue to avoid him or draw a line under it and get to spend time with your family even if you don't have much to do with him at family events.

Part of that growing up would surely involve acknowledging how shitty his behaviour was and offering a genuine apology?

Perhaps too late now and difficult with no evidence, but perhaps you should go to the police now. If he were punished for what he did perhaps that would help you draw a line under it (not saying you have to be friendly with him but maybe you would feel some closure), and maybe the family would realise what he did was bad. I would remove everyone from Facebook so you don't see the photos too. Do your family know you are still scared of him? If not tell them that.

Something I have done to fight abuse and being completely isolated from family is befriend positive members and just be myself having a nice time with them. I have also mentioned, in a humorous way, how I don’t have much/ anything to do with the negative crazies (who also try to seem gloriously happy). All the chickens will come home to roost. For me they have started to and it’s very fulfilling.

"It seems pointless to me."

Really? Really???

Just try reading the language that the OP used:

"when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL"

"I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour."

To me, that reads very much as some sort of physical assault or SA.

That doesn't sound like theft, for example. Who would use the words "when he did what he did to me" if they were just talking about somebody stealing £10?

The OP's sister was clearly worried about the consequences if the nephew's actions were reported to the police. This is very definitely not some minor incident. Perhaps the nephew has done something like this before?

I don't know, this may also be something that, perhaps, involves concepts of family honour?

it doesn't sound like the OP wants to spend time with her family, or indeed that they are a family worth spending time with

RTFT. The OP has described what happened

Not if he and his parents have 'rewritten' the experience in their minds to excuse his behaviour.

Ideally, yes. But if that's happened in an environment of his parents saying it was all bygones, excusable because of youth and that the OP is the unreasonable one, I can see why he thinks he doesn't have to apologise.

I agree with everyone, he was dreadful. The bit I'm disagreeing about was a PP saying that makes him a domestic abuser now. I admit the possibility of change for the better, that's all.

That’s nice dear.

I’ve not heard this expression before, it’s useful!
This, absolutely. I really feel for you. You have sensible boundaries, how awful that they’re all trying to hide from his unpleasant behaviour, don’t be intimidated by them.

Im with you op. I’d want nothing to do with any of them either. What if he hits this girlfriend? Will his parents cover that up as well? If he was my child at the time I’d have called the police myself.

I agree. What stops entitled violent young men who see no repercussions for their behaviour from becoming entitled violent older men?

OP - tell your family you’ll consider moving on if you receive a sincere apology.

That seems like that might be a good starting point if you wanted it to be, rather than going straight back into a family gathering where Nef and Sis are present, without really knowing how the land lies... Maybe taking it slowly bit by bit, person by person would be a way of guaging how you feel.

And the answer to anyone telling you to "be the adult" would be "Have you even asked Nef the same question, and what was his reply"... because I bet they haven't.

You could also guage if you are comfortable meeting family members outside of the Sis group and maybe that would be enough for the time being.

Sounds appalling OP. Your family are awful not backing you after that happened. I think you have to accept that many of them are enablers. Heartbreaking but true.

I can’t relate to it either and also had 2 boys. Perhaps “that’s nice dear” needs to look at their own parenting? Just a thought dear.

Unfortunately 'protecting' a violent male over the female victim, is a very common dynamic in families. Its misogynistic and cowardly, and I dont think I'd want anything to do with anyone who thought you should shrug off being repeatedly punched by a 17 year old male.

No, Radical Feminists do not officially believe that all sex is rape. I think you’ve misunderstood what Andrea Dworkin was saying. She even clarified afterwards she didn’t think that; “Andrea Dworkin: No, I wasn't saying that and I didn't say that, then or ever. There is a long section in Right-Wing Women on intercourse in marriage. My point was that as long as the law allows statutory exemption for a husband from rape charges, no married woman has legal protection from rape. I also argued, based on a reading of our laws, that marriage mandated intercourse—it was compulsory, part of the marriage contract. Under the circumstances, I said, it was impossible to view sexual intercourse in marriage as the free act of a free woman. I said that when we look at sexual liberation and the law, we need to look not only at which sexual acts are forbidden, but which are compelled…It's important to say, too, that the pornographers, especially Playboy, have published the "all sex is rape" slander repeatedly over the years, and it's been taken up by others like Time who, when challenged, cannot cite a source in my work.

Even if she had said that, feminists are not a homogeneous group and there’s no rule book setting out exactly what someone should believe if they want to follow a particular branch of feminism.

OP, sorry to derail, but it was just too silly a statement to let pass unchallenged. I think you’re absolutely doing the right thing to stand by your beliefs. The next time any of your relatives tell you to let it go, especially the older family members who would have blown their lids if you’d done that to them, ask them how they would have reacted, remind them he’s bloody lucky you didn’t call the police and that’s as much as they can ask of you. Ask them how quickly they’d forgive the local teenager yob down the road if he punched them. They aren’t asking you to let it go because they think you should forgive him. They’re asking you to let it go so that it’s more convenient for them. That deserves nothing but your contempt.

All of that is undermined by the nephew coming back to be abusive...or how do you manage to minimise that?

Your nephew at the time he hit you, was 17, he wasn't 7. He lashed out at you, because he couldn't have his own way. He's a spoilt, entitled brat, whose never had any discipline or had to take responsibility for his behaviour. His parents have made excuses for him, his entire life and I don't see that changing now. Yes, boys can be hormonal, but his behaviour isn't anything to do with hormones, it was pure anger because you had the audacity to say No.

I would also find it hard to move forward. You had zero support from his parents, who just wanted to gloss over his actions and pretend it didn't happen. On top of that he's never apologised to this day.

You have to think about what it is you want to achieve? You aren't ever going to get the apology you want from either your nephew or brother/SIL, that is very clear. Neither are your brother and SIL ever going to go against their son.

You also need to think about your wider family. Do you want to see them? Do you want to spend time with them? You have three choices:

1. Continue as you are.
2. Attend events that your nephew/brother/SIL are at, be polite but keep your distance.
3. Draw a line under the incident, and try to move forward, by engaging with all 3.

No one here can tell you what to do; you have to make the right choice for you.

I don’t think boys bad behaviour should be brushed off as oh well they’re teen boys. My eldest has tattoos, piercings, smokes, but he always treats me with respect and has never spoken to me badly. Same with my younger one, who used to get a bit grumpy but never spoke to me badly. I was hot on that kind of thing from a young age.

I have a very hard time believing that he's completely changed. I think nothing's changed and his DP's are still covering for him, while showing off their golden boy on fakebook. He would have apologised and shown genuine remorse otherwise. I bet under the surface he's just as much a shit head.

I would keep away from him and DSis and BIL for the time being. Ignore the pressure if you can

Yes. Passive aggressive and defensive. It’s not actually that hard to bring up two nicely behaved boys even as a single mum. My brother was the same, no nasty behaviour, treated our mum with respect.

I would distance myself from the whole family. The enabling is awful. No one seems to want to deal with him at all. You shouldn’t have to avoid family events but I wouldn’t even bother with any of them.

Agree with this. I think I'd also point out that since he hasn't been required to show any remorse, what lesson has he learned from that, and what's to stop him from attacking a partner in the same way.