Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

What a horrible response to OP who is the victim of violent abuse. No 'I'm sorry that happened to you, it must have been very frightening'. Just blaming OP for what her nephew might do in the future. I'm pretty sure OP was traumatised by her nephew's violent behaviour towards her, but she was probably scared that she'd lose her whole family if she reported him.

It's up to the victims whether they report abuse as often the legal process can be as traumatising as the violence itself.

You obviously lack empathy and the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

This. Report it to the police. Say you don't want it acted on but you want it on record in case he does it to someone else.

He sounds like a very nasty, entitled and potentially dangerous young man.

I wouldn't go anywhere near him. YANBU

To add to my previous comment- you also don’t have comprehension skills. The OP said that he’d ALREADY been kicked out of the parental house and when she couldn’t help him for once he physically attacked her.

A homeless 16 year old, working nights is “entitled”?

That is precisely the issue now. He seems to have matured and is doing well now and that is what everyone sees. They think I should forget it because he was a child/juvenile.

His mum said at the time 'He is only young, its hormones' To me the fact that he was only young makes it worse. Had I even so much as swore at one of my aunts or relatives my mum and dad would have bounced me home.

My argument is that if he has now matured and is a 'nice guy' then that is all the more reason I feel he should have come to see me and apologised.

I have nothing to do with my nephew because of his appalling treatment of others and bad life choices. No one can tell me who I can let into my life and who I cannot. The reason your nephew is a total a'hole, is his parents allow him to be. He never has any repercussions from his actions. How dare these people dictate to others in the family about what behaviour they should have to accept from their loser son. If it was serious enough to want to call the police, then they are a disgrace to brush it under the carpet. Make no mistake one day, he will do something that cannot be hushed up by his parents and no amount of pleading or begging is going to save him from the consequences. Stand your ground. They should be ashamed of their reaction to this and other family members need to reiterate to your sister and BIL how serious this is and back you up. Most decent folk do not need to be told right or wrong.

is theis the Mum who kicked him out because she could no longer handle him?

No, I'm a radical feminist but I know that adolescent shit heads don't always become violent abusers. Lots of them turn their lives around, thank goodness for everyone around them.

If I was the OP I wouldn't want to be around my nephew either. But I'd not be casting aspersions that his girlfriend was in danger, like some PP.

We have been through something similar.

We (me and dh) are the ones who were attacked. We are the ones never invited to anything and we are the ones who are 'causing a fuss' by not letting it go.

That was 20 years ago or so. We have stuck firm. There are times when it hasn't been easy.

So no advice, just solidarity!

It’s incredibly unfair on you OP. I would get a few choice phrases ready for those who are pressuring you to smooth it over, a few have been suggested already above. You are right to take your stand and your family are failing you. Refuse to be guilt tripped. Shame must change sides.

He wasn't let down by OP. though She stepped in when his parents wouldn't and he repays her with a violent assault.

This thread is baffling as a lot of sympathy is being directed towards the violent nephew and much less towards OP who did nothing wrong and who went above and beyond to help her nephew get to work after his own parents threw him out.

Hitting at age 17 is the line for me. Hitting and no apology is so far past the line that the line is invisible. Doing well is zero excuse. If he's doing so well why no apology?

I was kicked out at 15 and spent 7 weeks sleeping rough. I didn't go round punching people in the face.

Don't make pathetic excuses for a violent man. You are enabling him!

I think for your own sake that you need not to let it go but to move on. I wouldn't boycott family events but make sure that you are never alone with this nephew. You don't have to have any interaction with him even if you are at the same event. Of course you can still report his actions to the police.

The minimum age for criminal proceedings is much younger than 17. What parent defends a 17 year old lashing out physically at their aunt like this? What wider family side with the person who was violent rater tham the person who was attacked?

OP you don't actually ask a question in your op. What is it you want opinions on?

I'd not want to be around him full stop.

I'd also have a lower opinion of any relatives wanting me to pander to someone who assaulted me.

Perhaps you could unfollow relatives on social media if their posts upset you.

So none of them supported you then, and none of them are supporting you now.

You don’t have to be in touch with any of them. Some people (many, many people) live their entire lives without extended family, siblings, family parties etc.

What would your life look like if you simply said ‘okay’, turned away and started to live your life as you want to?

Stand your ground. Like fuck would i be in the same room as that woman beater and his parents. 17 is plenty old enough to know what he's doing. Fuck the lot of them.

If he had genuinely matured and turned a corner, then he would be ready to apologise - both for his behaviour and for causing you so much distress at a time when it seems his parents were ducking their responsibilities. They should all feel
mortified - but they have rewritten their script to dilute the issue.
You shoud not be pressured to just let it go. If he has developed any sort of integrity, he would see the need to apologise. And if he and his parents can’t see that, they are not worth spending your emotional energy on.
I fear he does not see that he did anything wrong and I really fear for this girlfriend in the future.

I asked what she achieves from it. If someone feels safer not being in the same room as someone, so something is achieved that's completely reasonable and understandable. Doing it to try and prove a point because you don't think the person's parents punished them enough is pointless.

Exactly. If he has matured he would apologise to you. I couldn’t move on with him without a sincere apology.

I wouldn't trust the family, the family who want her to move on fron being assaulted, not to try to force a reconciliation.

His behaviour was appalling. And the OP shouldn’t feel obliged to do anything. Forgiveness is overrated. But for context he wasn’t in an easy position, and was very young, that’s all.

Its not proving a point, its enacting a consequence.

I think I just wanted so sort of acceptance that Im not behaving irrationally. It seems the wider family just think of it as something that happened ages ago and its time I got over it instead of making others feel uncomfortable. I am disgusted at him for what he did but I also feel such anger toward my sis and bil for what I see as almost condoning the behaviour simply because they had always given in to him. Now its all 'How proud of our son we are' on photos. If anything Im more angry at them than him. The poster who said I should not go on Facebook is correct though.

then why no apology?