Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

Did he steal a fiver from your money box or did he physically assalut you? It's impossible to answer unless you say what he did. Neither is good but vastly different.

Totally depends on what he did tbh.

It's unclear what's happened, but if the nephew did something like assault or sexual assault to the OP and it's been minimised I can absolutely see why the OP doesn't want to be anywhere near him or even see him when others are around. If he stole from her or broke her favourite vase maybe not.

Hold your line OP. Sounds like you family are a tad misguided. ie a bunch of idiots.

I’d be saying that’s fine, when he apologises because he’s created the family rift, it’s his fault not yours!

I'm sorry. What a conflict, When the price of standing up for yourself is loneliness, it's not easy.

Is it really the case that everyone in the family wants to brush things under the carpet? Are there, for example, others who have been on the receiving end of the same kind of behaviour?

What did he do. Bad enough to report to the police or not?

its self protection to stay away from someone who behaved so badly towards you.
Its minimising the offence to let the family think you are over it
The family are protecting an offender, why should they not be made to feel uncomfortable?
I don't usually make man /woman comments but why should the woman suck it up and the man get off scot free?

Wow.

Would you say the same to someone who has been SA’d? Should they just play happy families and stop causing ‘drama’? We don’t know what this nephew did but it clearly hurt the OP deeply.

Will he then think he’s got away with it?

Assuming it was fairly big as you considered the police and it’s caused family conflict, I can easily understand that you don’t want to move on from it. He won’t apologise as he thinks he isn’t in the wrong, if you simply move on it’s simply giving him to permission to continue doing what he wants without considering others.
It does depend on the severity and context of the “crime”.

Do the rest of the family know what he did to you, & the verbal abuse ?

If not, perhaps you should tell them.

It's impossible to judge without knowing what he did. If a simple apology would be enough for you to drop the matter then it doesn't sound that bad, but then, you said it was a police matter, so I can't judge.

Drip drip drip
What did he do? Or have we all got to guess?

If it really is that bad then I would keep bringing it up. No one should be sweeping it under the carpet.

If it was serious enough to potentially involve the police then YANBU. He caused the fall out by doing whatever he did. He was also 18 at the time, not 12 so clearly knew better.

They've all absolutely set him to fail with that attitude. I wouldn't refuse to be in the same room as him if it was verbal aggression or if he'd say, shoved me (unless you expect he may be violent towards you) but would stick to that if it was sexual assault or something else extreme. As someone else said, if you felt you needed to go the police yet it would be resolved with an apology...
Totally ignoring his existence while in the same room might be enough after all this time. Shows you're not just being stubborn but also, why should you alter your course because of him (avoiding family events etc.)

He's never going to apologise so let that expectation go. But your family should be saying the exact same thing to him! Why does the instigator get a free pass and you have to bow down to the family pressure. You know the situation, you know him, just do what you feel is right. You can't change anyone but yourself, if you feel like you're able to for your own sense of peace. Otherwise, hold your head high and stick to your boundary.

Thank you for the replies.
It must be slightly longer than I thought that it happened, he had just turned 17 at the time.
It wasn't wine, lol. It was a physical assault. He had asked me to give him a lift to someone's house, giving him a lift was something I had done many times before but on this occasion I said no as I was expecting visitors and was getting ready.

At this time his parents had shown him the door as they couldn't cope anymore and he had moved in with a mate. I had been feeling sorry for him and had been running him to work and picking him up as his hours were 10pm to 6am and public transport wasnt really available so to save taxi fares I was doing it.
For some reason me saying no was enough for him to call me a bitch under his breath, I heard and told him to leave my house and as he left he picked up my car keys and said that if I wasnt going to use them I didnt need them and he threw them into the field behind the house. As he headed for the gate to leave I grabbed his arm to stop him and tell him to go and recover my keys and with that he lashed out and hit me 3 or 4 times. He then walked away and I have never seen him since apart from when he returned to our house and called me all kinds of names, I was a F++++ C+++ amongst other things.

His dad was initially up in arms saying he was ashamed of his son but then he and sis started to say that he was going through a bad time and I should make allowances etc etc. I fell out with him and sis as I felt they should have supported me more rather than put it down to him 'being like he is' and 'only a child!' and as such I should be more understanding. I was actually quite scared when he attacked me.
I havent spoken to this sister and BIL since it happened.

I live a bit further away from the rest of the family and I know that they all have the nephews version as well as mine. He has now turned himself round, got a good job and nice girlfriend and mummy and daddy couldn't be prouder (Facebook eh!) but I cant get past the fact that at no point have either they or my nephew tried to make amends.
I often see the family out for meals and of course I'm not invited as I'm the one with an issue.

I have a brother who 'Is not getting involved and taking sides' Another brother who 'Doesn't want to discuss it as he doesnt want to give an opinion', 2 sisters who think I should be the grown up and move on instead of prolonging the argument. The thing is, none of them were there and saw what happened and I know he will have made up his own version. Its so sad, I used to think the world of him.

You can still go to the police. I would. I would report too that your family coerced you into not reporting it, and are now treating you like you’re the problem. This is a serious matter.

You are not responsible for this.

I think if it was so serious that you wanted to involve the police, it is clear you have made a huge mistake not doing this.

His parents are part of the problem and you have allowed him to continue to be a thug.

Men behave like this because they are not challenged.

In your place I would spell it out that you deeply regret NOT involving the police.
He's a thug and you feel enormous guilt that he has carried on being a thug.
That every time it comes up, you doubt your decision and still think that you should report him.

Maybe they will STFU if you make your continued regret clear.

If it’s to keep yourself safe (I mean he’s already verbally abused you on your doorstep without you specifically stating what he originally did) then you have every right to tell that to your family.
Their response is about their feelings, they don’t seem to have considered yours at all. Sounds like your family and nephew are cut from the same cloth - they can’t deal with big emotions or take responsibility for consequences. They should be backing you up!

It wouldn’t be the most batshit thing I’ve read on here 😂

By not reporting to the police you did exactly what the parents did. Excused the behaviour.

Did you find your keys?

I wouldn’t be surprised if dig there are a lot of other illegal things he has done. The police may know some of them. I would report. I wonder if things are as rosy as they sound. Have some experience in this. I bet if you dig a little bit (not encouraging wasting your time) you’d find a lot more.

Stand your ground. Your nephew is a grown man and they are doing him NO favours enabling his behaviour, with his anger he'll end up in the nick and then he will finally realise that the days of being coddled are over. They are not preparing him for the real world. Take a solid step back from family and let them stew - deep down they know he's in the wrong but they're being bloody cowards trying to get you to join them in coddling a grown man!
As someone with some v toxic family myself, prioritize your mental health, peace and wellbeing. Blood relatives absolutely do not deserve an unlimited get out of jail free card!
Truly, you'll be doing him a favour as this endless tolerance he's getting is teaching him fuck all and he needs to grow up x