Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

Oh @WearyAuldWumman what an awful thing to happen to you, losing the baby after the punch. 🥲
I do hope you had other children.
I wonder does that guy ever think of the consequences of his actions ?
Boasting about punching you. 😡🥲

A teacher friend told me that her police sergeant father was of the opinion that teenage males are very dangerous.

Thank you. I'm childless. I kept myself sane by telling myself that I would probably have lost it anyway, but you always wonder.

At the time, he lied to SACRO - they phoned me to organise a restorative conversation (which I refused): he 'hadn't meant to hit me' and I'd 'got in the way' while he was 'defending himself from a homophobic assault'.

NB He was chasing the other boy - and the other boy was yelling in terror.

That is so upsetting to read.
You are such a wise compassionate poster on threads.
I am so sorry to read this.
How absolutely heartbreaking.,

oh @WearyAuldWumman utterly utterly heartbreaking ☹️🥲

That sounds like a pretty horrendous situation, traumatising and isolating.

Remembe, what he sends out will come right back to him and I am saying this because I have seen it happen to others, in its own perfect time.

It is like your family have chosen to turn away from you and protect him, even though he is a grown adult. As he has grown up without any discipline, its no wonder he is a loose cannon.

He has to learn the hard way.

It seems like he is verbally agressive towards you, if you find your self in a situation where he could cause physical as well as being verballly agressive ( harassment), you don't think twice, you ring 999 and you call police and just because he is your nephew, if his impulses are targetting you and are sustained, you get the police involved for your own safety.

This is absalutely none negotiatble, its why the laws have changed to protect women.

that's interesting....its quite a few years ago now but we had a phase round here of groups of teenage boys attacking lone adult males. Its a very quiet area round here, the village is within walking distance with several pubs and places to eat and in summer it was pleasant to meet up at the pub or cafe then split up to wander home. the men defending themselves was difficult because adult males are not supposed to strike children. Fortunately the police and schools took it seriously and stamped it out....not before a few victims ended up in hospital though.

Yes, and it's so much worse for physically weaker victims - women, girls, smaller boys, and boys who don't travel in gangs.

In any case, going back to Op's situation, Op, you're completely justified in being upset. You were violently attacked and everyone in the family wants you to shut up, because they're prioritising their own comfort over your distress and fear.

Fuck them. I would disown them for this disrespect and lack of care.

It's not easy to disown family, but when you do, and if you remain discerning who you open your heart to, you find eventually that your life becomes filled with really kind people who will gladly and staunchly stand with you in the hard times, and vice versa.

I am so petty I would go on Facebook and under every picture of him smiling and looking normal I would make a comment, every time. Eg looks harmless but hits eomen when he doesnt get his own way. Abuser without a care in the world. Beats women but cant say sorry. I dont need anyone telling me how childish this is I know it.

She said “I grabbed his arm to stop him and tell him to go and recover my keys and with that he lashed out and hit me 3 or 4 times”

that sounds like swatting rather than punching. That’s why I asked.

Really? You’d ruin your own nephews future?

There is no way that lashing out and repeatedly hitting someone could equate with swatting them.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.
Soon he will be in jail because of the lack of parenting.
I think you should still report him.