Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

so you think glossing over her nephew's behaviour would make her hurt less?

You have a clear choice, keep your family at arms length as you are doing, or move on and build bridges with all of them. Ask yourself “Who is this hurting?” I think the answer is you.

we've heard this for millennia. From young. About family. Op it is very normal to want an apology to move on. Most people with any knowledge of how humans work understand this fundamental truth. People who are safe for you know this. You’re in pain because there’s a tear between a narrative and a reality. The pain isn’t permanent though. People suggesting you abandon yourself for the sake of a few awkward get togethers just for the purpose of saying you saw them. How could you ever go to these people for help now? How could you feel secure?

The OP said he had just turned 17, no-ones twisting anything.He also was living at a friends house and had a job, so was apparently financially supporting himself at this age. The family all sound spectacularly shit in their own ways, - perhaps they are ashamed of him being in that position now, it hardly reflects well on them that they all let that happen. Perhaps the child had mental health problems that have now been dealt with and they don’t want it being public knowledge or bought up as they are worried it might exacerbate them again. Who knows, it’s a very odd situation for a person that young to be living that way in these times though.

Read between the lines! If she wasn’t missing her family she wouldn’t be at all worried about the fact that they want nothing to do with her until she too has moved on.

No I think seeing her family and joining in their activities would make her feel better. Who knows, being one of the family again might encourage her nephew to do the right thing and apologise.

In the long run i don't think spending time with people who would rather ignore your discomfort for their own ease is a good thing for a person mentally.

You don't have to "let it go", but for your own sake, you should learn how to handle it. If it's such a large family, why does it have to affect you when you're in the same room. Smile, laugh, talk, be polite.... be yourself (if that's you), and never feel the need to even look in his direction. If he were to take over a conversation, smile and politely excuse yourself.... "nature calls" or something. You can totally ignore him while still enjoying the rest of your family. What you're doing is giving him a win, which he probably has a good chuckle over.

My thoughts....

You're not in the wrong here.

His parents didn't think he was 'just being a kid' when they kicked him out at 17.

He didn't have much discipline growing up- your sis and bil created this monster.

He hasn't 'turned his life around', nor has he matured if he can't see a way to apologise to you.

Your sis and bil are sucking up to him, treating him like a golden child, probably because they are deep down embarrassed about their own and his behaviour.

All these family photos and meals - designed to paint a picture of perfect family life to the outside world.

On the subject of family meals - could they be trying to rub your nose in it? Remove them from social media so you don't have to see them.

If he's lashed out once, I imagine he's got a short fuse. I hope I'm wrong on that one.

Finally, I'll repeat it....YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG.

I don't see anything either on, or between, the lines about the family wanting nothing to do with her.

I agree

she has already been told not to expect an apology by his own mother.

OP I'm so sorry to hear that you've gone through such a horrible experience. As someone who has experienced 3 different traumatic events - a mugging, an assault by someone I knew and a massive rift within the family that has never and will never be resolved, I can understand some of what you are going through.

Having read the whole thread I would pick out the advice on P.9 from Motuihe re advice on how to report an assault even if you just want it on record. Claire's Law allows for enquiries to be made in the future if someone wants to check if your nephew has a history of violence. It might help to give you some closure. It also mentions The Survivors Trust and NAPAC as organisations to support you.

Also the post on P.15 from OneNiftyQuoter seemed to me to have some valid advise including how to get independant support, how to interact with your family and dealing with your nephew. It also mentions getting some help from a therapist or counsellling.

I think you need to do what is the right thing for you. You are the victim of your nephew's violence and lack of responsibility or conscience to apologise. And you have also been the one betrayed and scapegoated by the family who should have stood with you. Those are two interconnected but different traumas. Each damaging in their own way. You need to find the way forward that will benefit you.

People who say 'let it go' or 'its all in the past', do not understand how a victim can be affected for years afterwards. It took me 10 years after I was mugged to stop flinching or cowering every time someone came up behind me out of my line of sight, or touched my arm.

The family rift was over a significant issue that put my children at risk and it will never be resolved. Like your family, my husband's parents closed ranks to protect the 'golden child' and as that was after years of seeing my family being badly treated by them, I went NC, husband & my children contact with his mum & dad, but no contact for my children with the 'golden child' side of family. I know some people would criticise that, but it protected my kids and the sense of peace and relief for me was completely worth it.

As for the assault, that was probably the most damaging. I didnt report it, I didnt think I would be believed as it was an ex who I had just split up with. I didnt even tell anyone it had happened for years. I was in a numbed vaguely functioning survival mode for years and the only person who I really talked about it with was my husband when we got together. Even now 30 years on its still there in some limited way in the background.

Would it be different if Id reported it or got counselling I dont know. But I think if I had it would have probably helped. The more you open up to people who empathise with you and have no hidden family biases the easier it feels.

My suggestion is follow the advice of the two posters I mentioned. I would definitely advise you to get counselling as a first step to help you make decisions re reporting it and to come to terms with the assault and your family.

I wish you well OP.

He hasn't turned his life around if he's not willing to apologise for hitting someone. It's just lies and coverup.

It doesn't matter whether OP forgives or not - this boy has not changed if he still thinks it was acceptable to assault his aunt. If he no longer thinks like this, he just has to say sorry.

Wasn’t that six years ago?

why is that relevant?

Don't know if the OP is still reading these replies, but I'd just like to add that while the perception that her nephew's actions were "way off the scale" may be accurate, to describe them as "unforgiveable" is, imo, a disproportionate response. Unless the nephew killed someone or caused major injury to the OP, I'd forgive him. I may even, depending on the circumstances and context, forgive him for doing something heinous. I'm assuming that @letmebetheone is being somewhat hyperbolic in the language she is using to describe this incident and would hope that her reactions to it are more mature and considered than is being portrayed.

Omg this is so awful... you really should have ignored your family and gone to the police... there may have been an order where he can't come certain distance or attend where he knows where you will be.... meaning you can attend all family events without him being there and that is exactly how it should be. He should be missing out family events as a consequence of his violence actions. He'll never get better with your family's condoning and excuses for his behaviour. Sorry you family don't have this attitude, they have created a monster themselves.

why isn't being attacked unforgiveable?

Was she being attacked with premeditated intention to cause her grievous bodily harm? No. It was her nephew's spur of the moment reaction to a situation. Therefore, while I would be upset and hurt, and probably angry, I wouldn't consider that this was The End and that there was never going to be a time when I could ever forgive him. People do forgive attackers for much greater harm. Parents and partners of people who have been killed in attacks have even been known to forgive the attacker.

So huh, Op is being a silly billy in your eyes for thinking that a physical attack on her is unforgiveable.

It's not for YOU to tell victims of physical assault what is forgiveable or not.

Op is a woman, even a stripling boy is deathly dangerous. I would find being violently attacked and screamed at terrifying, and the lack of any care and redress in the wider family about this UNFORGIVEABLE..

this absolutely

People do forgive unconditionally and that is their choice to make. not yours. I think that the dealbreaker for me is that there has been no attempt to apologise, the OP has been told not to expect one and her family expect her to "move on"

I dont't understand why his parents threw him out because of his behaviour which they found too much, but you were/are expected to allow him to physically and verbally assault you with no repercussions? I would continue to do as you are and have nothing to do with them. I'm surprised at your brothers behavious towards him, any brother I know would have sorted the scumbag out for assaulting their sister!

I've mentioned an assault on me upthread.

The 14/15 yr old boy who punched me in the stomach was reported to the police. After he attacked me, he punched the two male teachers who came to my aid.

The police 'lost the report', but referred him to SACRO, an organisation designed to stop young people from becoming offenders.

Being an idiot, I didn't tell the police about my pregnancy which I lost the day after the single punch. I was in my 40s and (I can't believe that I'm saying this) embarrassed to say that I'd been pregnant and foolishly reasoned that I didn't want the boy carrying that guilt for life.

As an adult, he actually boasted about the attack on me. I've told the tale of woe elsewhere on these boards, but it's worth repeating: a teenage boy can do a lot of damage to a grown woman.

I do not forgive the man who boasted about punching me when he was a teenager. When I was told that he'd been boasting about hitting me, I made sure that my he heard about my miscarriage and made the empty threat that he'd be hearing from my solicitor.

I believe that he's now working in hospitality in Aberdeen. I admit that I've Googled - he's getting glowing reviews. Apparently, he's a lovely chap.

I'm so sorry to hear this awful story, how dreadful :(

People think, oh he's just a boy. Nope! He's a male who is very likely MUCH stronger than you are as a woman, and worse, more emotionally dysregulated than the average mature man.

There is a reason why EVERYONE - including big muscular adult men like my H - feel very wary when they see groups of boys hanging around in parks, jostling and jeering at each other. Boys can be VERY dangerous.