Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

nephew probably hasn’t said sorry because he hasn’t actually changed. Op you won’t feel like it right now but this is a GIFT. Many of us never get to peek behind the curtain.

Can you not read properly? I wrote* *the fact that six years later he has shown himself to have bettered his life should count for something. That's the context, not "His life should count for something." The fact he's doing better.

And now you've found one other thread where I might have offered a different opinion on a situation – again, not everything is black and white. Yet there are multiple threads where I have absolutely condemned male violence. But hey, trying to incite a pile on to me based on not the full picture is okay I guess.

I also grew up in a house where violence sometimes happened. That's why I know it's not always black and white.

this.

Your family have all chosen sides - even the ones who say they haven't. Tbh I think the lot of them are utter cunts and you'd be better cutting the whole poisonous lot of them out of your life!

I think you have to realise that your present difficulty with your family is down to you. Rightly or wrongly, they have all moved on from the incident. Of course it would be nice if your nephew apologised but that isn’t going to happen and your stance is not going to make it happen. You have a clear choice, keep your family at arms length as you are doing, or move on and build bridges with all of them. Ask yourself “Who is this hurting?” I think the answer is you.

Will this make the OPs life any better? She obviously misses her family and she is the only one who can change anything. Sometimes being right isn’t enough. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person.

I think it would make her life better because she's constantly being confronted with their choice and the pressure to shut up. Every time she sees a fb post or the family all going out to dinner without her, it's another kick in the teeth.
of course she will miss her family , but she's missing them now, because they don't have her back and aren't going the right thing by her.
Bri g the bigger person is recognising that you cannot change other people and that sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to remove the people who constantly let you down, from your life.

This 💯

He wasn't a baby, 17 year old males are practically man sized. He has no fear about attacking women, he recieved no repercussions for his actions and shows no remorse.
I have seen nothing on this thread that would convince me that a victim of physical assault should just get over it for the sake of the family.
She will never feel safe alone with him again.
Do you think he is wanting something @letmebetheone and has spoken to other family members about getting you to drop it as it were so you can all be friends and do him a favour?

Storming out in the huff and banging the door, or throwing the keys on the floor could be excused as an immature teenage reaction which BTW should be apologised for once he calmed down. It beggars belief that you're trying to justify the physical abuse of his kind Aunt. Are you for real?!!

I agree I can't believe here in 2026 there are women justifying the assault of another woman because a man was in a bad mood. It just boggles the mind

Why haven't you told us what he did? We need more info.

If he has turned his life around, he should by now, have have had a chat with you and apologised.

She has.

Where do you get 'barely 17' from? In her OP, she said that this was 5 years ago and he is now 23 so that would make him 18 at the time. You are twisting the facts to make him sound younger and more vulnerable than he really was.

OP was the victim of male violence after being the only member of the family supporting him after his own parents threw him out. She gave him lifts to work so that he wouldn't lose his job and this is how he repays her. If he spontaneously apologised off his own bat, I would imagine that OP would forgive him.

He threw her car keys into a field when she refused to give him a lift and he hit her three or four time and called her a fucking cunt. She was going to report him to the police but, at her sister's request, didn't do this.

Still think if he’s matured he should apologise and encourage the family to move on positively.

There's no way I'd overlook that. People do not change their basic character, imo. I would not be around him either, and if my family didn't support me--I'd have to say adios.

"Thank you for the replies.
It must be slightly longer than I thought that it happened, he had just turned 17 at the time"

Quite literally in the first response from the OP
Nobody is twisting facts

omg done of the replies on here are wild.

OP ignore the comments that you were over the top in cutting him and his parents out of your life or that you started it by putting your hands on him.

You were looking out for him and he assaulted you at an age where he knew right from wrong. Where you went wrong was being persuaded by others not to get the police involved. If it's not too late I'd complain to them now about a historical assault but not sure what that would do, but it's make me feel better and annoy them even more for bringing up the past.

it seems you have a shit family and no one who has stood up for you. you can be as angry as you like but they won't change so continue to stay away from them all. they don't deserve you in their lives

It's also easy for the rest of the family to 'move on' because they weren't the ones assaulted. It's easy to get over something that happens to someone else - particularly when that's the most convenient solution!

RTFT she did. At least read the OP's posts.

I can't see anywhere in her posts where she says she is missing her family.

again. I can't see anywhere where she says she is missing her family.