Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

If he apologised now and showed some remorse then yes, of course I’d forgive him. But he hasn’t, so the likelihood of this happening to someone else is real. I’d report him to the police. What they do with it is down to them.

I hadn't read the full thread. So sorry OP.

Okay, for the sake of accuracy it was one incident of violence with a follow up confrontation six years ago. OP doesn’t want to forgive or move on and is annoyed her wider family still sees him. The moment for an apology appears to have passed as far as he and family are concerned.

If I were in her shoes - and other posters have said exactly the same - I would try to resolve it, but I don’t think any outcome is going to work for OP.

So what he did is forgivable but because he hasn’t apologised, six years on he now deserves a criminal record? Make that make sense.

It doesn’t. Just like all the posters encouraging OP to completely disown her entire family over an incident with a sofa surfing, minor 6 years ago.
OP can you try and have a sit down with your nephew, just the two of you. Or you could write him a letter? Saying how much he hurt you but would he like the chance to apologise and try and move forward in the future? Seems there was love there once,

“Unto thine own self be true”. That’s the Biblical version. Translated in modern terms to “f#*k the lot of them!”. If you raise your tolerance level over this, you’ll simply be lowering your standards. DON’T.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you OP. Something similar has happed to me. I found that -
-if people were not there when the incident happened even the most empathetic person just cannot relate to it or put themselves in your shoes. The more bizarre and outrageous the situation the more people will be unable to believe or relate to you unless they saw video tape of it. Families and groups of people would rather keep the status quo and play happy families than have a hard conversation or confrontation with an abuser. This is the way most people are and sadly I have found out it is human nature. It would sadly take an exceptional person to call it out. If the abuser wears a charming mask to almost everyone else this is his alibi, his insurance policy against anyone being believed when he has a mask slip. This leaves the victim feeling isolated, alone, disempowered, and re-victimised. The following are what helped me personally .

• You may find a ally in someone else who has seen this side of him.

• make a police report to go on his file, so someone can do a Claire's Law enquiry if needed. That gives you your sense of power and agency back.

• Make your family not the be all and end all of your world. Develop positive clubs, groups, work opportunities and relationships outside of your family.

• Arrange meetings with your parents and other siblings that dont include him and his weak parents. You have a big enough family to be able to do that.

• Stop looking to your family for empathy and for them to do the right thing, circumstances are just not right for that to happen.

• Don't skip family events, why should they all get to schmooze guilt free without your face there to remind them. Turn up but be detatched and coldly polite, especially to him.If anyone praises him in front of you or says something that was not your experience coldly say, well that was not my experience, my experience was assault, but hey ho.

• find power and satisfaction in that he has to face you at those events and be polite. In your head you can say to yourself, yes, you can sit the fuck down , wind your neck in, and you can be polite to me you little fucker, as there's too many people around for you to behave otherwise. He won't enjoy having to act polite around you. I felt I got my power back from doing this. I felt more isolated and disempowered when I stayed away.

• Very controllled condtitions, groups of people and not being alone with him are your tools. If you still feel angry to him you could vent it in a plausibly deniable way such as walking to another area of the house as soon as he comes near you, never speaking directly to him , pretending not to hear him if he speaks to you, but being fairly warm to the others, turning your head away or going on your phone whenever they praise or discuss him, leaving the room for a bathroom break if they start waxing on about him. There's quite a lot you can do to express cold dissaproval without being called out on it.

• Please know that your other family members are not siding with him, they are just trying to stay neutral. When you have been victimised, sitting on the fence looks like betrayal.

• Go an see a therapist or counseller who specialises in trauma, and betrayal. Having an expert on your side who can advise you what to do helped me so much. EMDR has helped me so much.

• If you really feel you cannot move forward you could write to him and say a unemotional factual account of what he did to you to him, and ask one last time for a full apology. I got an apology, but beware, an abuser that does this will also either not apologize, or their apology will have lots of blame, deny, minimize in it, as thats the abuser mindset I'm afraid. I got a deny, minimize and blame apology. if he doesn't apologize place the police report in a way to get back power, control and agency. He will continue to do this to to others , he will eventually burn too many bridges and end up alone. The trash eventually takes itself out.

I'm sorry you have had to go through this but please know you are not alone, many people are abused in whatever way by a relative and when they raise it the family take the line of, I can't believe they did that, or but they are so nice, or, well I've not got personal beef with them, or ,it's nothing to do with me. Very dissapointing and hurtful, but also the reality of people / families.

"Oh but he only hit you once (well 3 or 4 times but only on one occassion...)"

Disgusting attitude.

Not disgusting but actually pragmatic when taking into account ALL of the facts.

If your DS was the nephew, wouldn’t you hope that six years down the line he might be rehabilitated? Or do we not allow second chances ever?

She gave him a second chance by not reporting him to the police, I'd have thought.

Absolutely this 👏👏

What are sis and bil gonna do when he does something to someone that is not family?

So if he has been rehabilitated, why can't he show some remorse and apologise to OP now? I'm pretty sure that if he was sincere in his apology, OP would accept it and move on.

As things stand, the nephew is apparently a changed character to everyone apart from OP who is the one who helped him when no-one else did and who was repaid with violence.

OP has said she thinks what he did is unforgivable regardless and that she is still too angry to move on. I suspect that message has been relayed to him and the wider family and that’s why she and nephew are at an impasse regarding the apology, meaning he’s been told not to make one by older relatives.

I have a very similar situation but in my case it’s my step son. When he was 15 he did something unforgivable causing pain to one of our animals and dh refused to discipline him or give a consequence. It’s “in the past” now he’s an adult, the family moved on years ago and I’m not even allowed to mention it. Still can’t look at him though.

I would 'hope' he would fucking apologise massively or I'd be absolutely disgusted and would examine my parenting. Wouldn't you?

Nah, you're just making stuff up now you don't know that anyone has told him not to apologise. Even if they had, if he were sorry for his actions his conscience should have made him want to apologise by now.

Op was violently assaulted by a 17 year old theres no excusing this no amount of "rough time of it" "she touched him first" "favourite aunt" bollocks ever makes this even partially her fault and twisting yourselves in knots to blame op has crossed over from playing devils advocate into victim blaming and quite frankly it's disgusting.

The fact that her family would rather keep the peace than support her through this shines a light on how forgiving of male on female violence we are as a society and it's only by standing up and saying actually this is not ok that we have any chance of starting a conversation on it.

I say stick to your guns op but go to the family gatherings if you want if he starts on you and no one sticks up for you then you can decide if you want anything to do with them, At least then you have tried. I am not saying be civil if he insists on you acknowledging him you can nod and talk to someone else.

Yes I would. So I wonder why he hasn’t. I suspect he’s been told not to.

I suspect you have an issue with holding violent males to account, so are now making things up in a desperate bid to excuse his behavior.

Please re-read my comment - I said I suspect. That’s not making anything up, it’s called offering a theory. Critical thinking. More people on MN should try it.

Critical thinking?! 🤣 Thats not critical thinking, its desperately trying to find excuses for appalling behavior. He's big enough to know himself that he should apologise.

Critical thinking? or it just you being mealy mouthed

I would find it difficult to forgive without an apology from your nephew at the time and also from his parents.
My opinion is that parents are letting kids away with too much and making so many excuses for them.
3 sons and 4 grandsons and I could not accept firstly that they did this to you and secondly that they didn’t apologise. It’s shocking. I would not back down.
I call Facebook Facebook. It’s fantasy people want to paint a picture of happy families all the time. I only use when I’m looking for a company or service.

No. Like others on the thread, I don’t share the black and white thinking that OP should let this destroy her relationship with her wider family, which is why she posted in the first place. There is context to what happened and the fact that six years later he has shown himself to have bettered his life should count for something.

Just seems like there is a whole lot of projection on this thread from people who just want a barely 17 year old to be written off because of one event.

Op didn't deal with this 6 years ago and the rest of her family have moved on. She's determined to stay stuck in that moment and convince family to back her. They've clearly stated they won't so now she's become bitter and hateful at seeing him thrive in life and getting the support she thinks she deserves.

You can choose to stay a victim but the bitterness is only affecting her, she doesn't have any interest in forgiveness, she's said that herself.