Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

I'm with OP.

If he'd truly matured, he'd recognise that he was responsible for his own behaviour at 18 and he'd apologise.

All it takes is "I'm sorry I hit you when I was younger. It was wrong of me and I wouldn't dream of doing it now", in private so not done as a performance.

The "maturity" is superficial: he's learned how to perform niceness, but he's not learned integrity.

.... turn of phrase? OP also said that the nephew makes her 'angry' I think. Who wants to go out for dinner and feel 'angry'?

Anyway, I can't blame her. Nor can she be blamed for her feelings.

oh that's a truth worth remembering!

Yup. I saved that post to my Saved Posts list for that exact reason.

What he did is shocking.
What a pity you didn't report it.
He will do it again.
He is a thug and his parents are no better.
Such a shame you didn't report him.

He actually hit you several times, threw your kindness to him back in your face and verbally attacked you and you're considered the bad one in all of this. Absolutely appalling behaviour by your family.

I wonder how your brothers would react if he did the same to their wives, or your sisters if they were the victims of assault by him?

Their reactions to this are actually shocking. I'd be tempted to report him to the police, still.

He hasn't even apologised to you in order to make some amends for his abhorrent behaviour and to try to heal the situation. It's unbelievable that he's been excused for this.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
If you don't want to tell police then maybe tell the girlfriend and she can then make an informed decision about her life.

Cheating here but...
AI says:
Whether something is a "police matter" can depend on the legal definitions of the incident, how much time has passed, and what you hope to achieve by reporting it.
The Legal Context (England and Wales)
In the UK, the ability for the police to prosecute an assault is generally dictated by the severity of the offense and the amount of time that has elapsed.

• Common Assault: If the incident is classified as "common assault" (an assault without serious injury), there is generally a six-month statutory time limit for the police to begin prosecution. Because this happened in the past, it is unlikely that the police could pursue a criminal prosecution for common assault now.
• Note: There are exceptions for certain domestic abuse cases where the time limit can be extended up to two years, but this also has specific conditions and time-bound triggers.
• More Serious Offenses: If the assault caused more significant injury (such as Actual Bodily Harm - ABH, or Grievous Bodily Harm - GBH), these are more serious categories of crime. These do not have the same six-month time limit and can potentially be investigated and prosecuted years or even decades after the event.

Can You Still Report It? Yes, you can always report a crime to the police, regardless of how long ago it happened. Even if the time limit for prosecution has passed or there is insufficient evidence for a charge, there are reasons why people choose to report:

• Documentation: Reporting creates an official record of the incident. This can be important if there is a pattern of behavior or if you ever need to demonstrate that this occurred for other reasons.
• Validation: Some survivors find that making a formal report is a way of reclaiming their narrative and having their experience officially acknowledged, even if it does not lead to a court case.
• Safety of Others: If you are concerned that the person may still be a risk to others, reporting can help the police build a clearer picture of their history.

How to Proceed If you are considering reporting, you do not have to jump straight into a formal criminal complaint. You can:

• Call 101: This is the non-emergency number for the police in the UK. You can call them, explain that you are considering reporting a past assault, and ask for advice on your specific situation. They can guide you through what an investigation might look like without you having to commit to a formal statement immediately.
• Seek Independent Support: Organizations like NAPAC (National Association of People Abused in Childhood) or The Survivors Trust provide confidential advice and can help you weigh your options without the pressure of a police interview.
• Consider Your Goals: Think about what you want to achieve. If you are seeking closure, justice, or simply to ensure the event is recorded, support services can help you determine the best path to reach those goals in a way that protects your mental health.

Ultimately, you are the only one who can decide if reporting is the right step for you. It is a deeply personal choice, and it is perfectly valid to prioritize your own well-being over the pursuit of a legal outcome that may be difficult to achieve due to the passage of time.

Thing is, OP, you can't make everyone else agree with you.

You are completely in the right, IMO. He was so appalling I wouldn't want to have anything to do with him either. His parents are not apologetic for that assault; he's not, and he added verbal abuse to the mix. I wouldn't forgive anyone who assaulted me, except possibly my own child in a moment of extreme distress, which it doesn't sound like he was- more extreme anger.

But, that time is past, you aren't going to be able to tell your story convincingly even though yours is true, he is now older and has an established life and the only one that is likely suffering now is you, so I'd think about what you want and whether this is worth it from your perspective, or would you like to be closer to the rest of them and just go along and avoid speaking/bothering with this particular family.

This is your call, unfortunately you aren't going to be able to change anyone's mind now, so it's more a question of whether this is serving you. He's awful and I suspect not changed if he hasn't apologised and been genuinely sorry for treating you that way.

God no, carry on staying away from the vile little beast. Everyone else is upset as your refusal to see him stops their total whitewash of his behaviour.

There’s no way someone like this has changed. You don’t need to be anywhere near people like this.

You need to block them all on Facebook so you can’t see all the fake smiles. I would continue to keep my distance physically and emotionally from all of them.

He owes you a heartfelt apology, OP. I have been on the receiving end of some dreadful, totally unprovoked behaviour from family over the years, and they also didn't think I was worth apologising to. I no longer speak to the culprits. I really know how you feel about the lack of apologies. That's the thing that really gets your goat, isn't it - bad enough that they did what they did, but for you to be so worthless to them that you don't even warrant an apology is absolutely maddening. I don't think you can have a relationship with him unless he apologises.

In our family there have been fallings-out between other family members, too. And we have had family gatherings with everyone there. The people on non-speakers just studiously avoid each other. Is that an option? It seems a pity to have so much ruined because of your nephew.

As for other people not getting it, well, that's just par for the course. I generally find that many people are incapable of understanding how others feel about a given negative event unless the exact same thing has happened to them.

You cannot change anyone else’s behaviour, you can only chose your response to it. what I mean by that is that you are unlikely to change the wider family’s stance in relation to your nephew at this point down the line,- whatever their reasoning might be and however flawed it is- they have told you they aren’t willing to change to accommodate you. They won’t exclude him to satisfy you.

So, you have to accept that and decide what you want to do from here. I only see three options, really.1) You can keep going as you are; 2) you can distance yourself from them unless they change their behaviour; or you can conclude that whilst you don’t forgive him and won’t forget what happened, but can be in the same room as your nephew and keep interaction to the very minimum. I can’t tell you what I’d do- guess it depends on whether you can cope with being in the same place as your nephew.

or you can conclude that whilst you don’t forgive him and won’t forget what happened, but can be in the same room as your nephew and keep interaction to the very minimum

This is what I would do. Why let the little toad spoil all those family connections that are nurtured at family occasions?

Bloody hell OP, what he did was seriously awful, it wasn’t even “just” “lashing out” at all. It was vindictive, nasty and controlling especially the thing with the car keys. If he’d momentarily lost it (not that that would make it ok) he would have apologised straight away and been remorseful. And 17 is not a child as far as assault goes. If he’d done all that to someone in the street he’d have been in deep shit.

I want to say I think your reaction is totally reasonable and understandable. That was a horrendous thing to experience and to then have him verbally abuse you and the whole family not stick up for you must be really hard to deal with. He should have apologised, everyone else should have put pressure on him to apologise, instead they blame you or stay out of it,

I think there’s still scope for him to apologise and for things to get better, if that’s what you want, but that does rest with him. I’m not sure what you can do at this stage.. I’d maybe write a letter explaining your POV and what is needed to allow you to move on. To his parents and/or him. But it’s not guaranteed to help.

However I still think you’re in the right and furthermore you’re the only person in his life who is making clear that how he behaved was not on. Which is a good thing for him even if it all seems shit now.

I'm sorry your family is being so unbelievably shit. They're prioritising their own convenience over your very real trauma. Honestly, I'd tell them straight how it made me feel, then go low contact if they did anything but wholeheartedly apologise.

Honestly, the more I think about this, the more I believe it's pure misogyny. People will overlook the most appalling behaviour from men.

What was his difficult position exactly? Do not get this.

And that growing up could start with an apology. but it won’t, because, lets face it, he knows full well what he did, and by refusing to accept responsibility he is enjoying prolonging the drama and being at the centre of the family debate. It’s the highlight of his pathetic little life.

Stay firm OP. Don’t make a big fuss of the situation as that will add fuel to the fire for him to warm his hands at. Refuse invitations , don’t give reasons , they know why, just say you won’t be attending.

If that were my son, I'd fully support you in reporting the assault to the police. I'd report it myself if you felt unable for whatever reason. Nephew needed consequences and some type of therapy or anger management.

The whole family should be aware of his actions, and vocal in condemning them. What on earth were his parents thinking?! They have not set him up well for adulthood. I can't believe they wouldn't address it at the time and it's now causing wider family issues. It's really not fair on you.

But he’s not willing to make amends now, nor does it seem anyone but OP has required him to. That’s what makes the concerns re abusive behaviour in the future valid. He’s been shown he can cause harm with impunity.

OP I’m sorry that your family sucks. Your siblings are even worse imo and they don’t sound like good company to keep around.

I agree with suggestions that you write some type of letter calling them all out, which may offer some type of release for you. I wouldn’t bother with them unless they all apologise, because your other siblings not having your back in the name of not wanting to take sides is wicked and spineless.

OP absolutely needs to move on but that doesn’t mean caving in to accepting being around him. I guarantee that will bring a new level of misery and resentment.

Moving on, imo, should be letting go of this family once and for all.

What's the point in holding on to anger? You're just causing yourself a lot of unhappiness and stress

You can’t call Errol your nephews behaviour, but you can decide how you react to his on going refusal to grow up and become a man. A grown up man would realise what he has to do

he hasn’t grown up and he has realised what he’s got to do and he probably hasn’t changed

staying away would be imo the best course of action, he will do it again. Next time it won’t be you on the receiving end if it

sounds like a nasty oiece of work and parents condoning his behaviour

YANBU to expect an apology from your nephew because what he did was awful, and if he's matured as much as everyone claims, he should hopefully have matured to the point of seeing that his violence and entitlement were wrong and that an apology is needed.

That said, this is someone who was kicked out by his parents at a vulnerable time in his life and so was presumably in a pretty dark place one way or another. It doesn't excuse what he did (I can't believe your own family dismiss it as 'hormones' - the same family who had kicked him out, leaving him dependent on YOU for lifts?!!! Wtf?). Of course it doesn't. It might however help us to understand why apologising might be so difficult for him or not on his radar. I wonder how many incidents similar to this he might have had with others and how many relationships were ruined. Does this incident even stick out to him like it does for you? does he remember it clearly? And is he one of those people who moves forward with their life by burying the past, or perhaps by shifting the narrative around to make other people to blame? We all have to live with ourselves and our past mistakes. Whilst some people try to do this by making amends, not everyone does (particularly if, for example, they have been taught that apologising is weak or have turned blaming you into part of the story that helps them to protect their own sense of identity.)

With your wider family it is complicated. On the one hand, the way they've dismissed what was done to you sounds crap. On the other, if things had gotten so bad for your nephew back then and are now better, I'm not really surprised at his parents being proud of that and wanting to celebrate it. They are probably incredibly relieved and want to move on with him. Maybe they don't trust that their relationships with him are strong enough for him to tolerate them bringing the past back up to him. Perhaps they've had to sweep things under the carpet to rebuild their own bonds with him. Perhaps they feel bad for kicking him out in the past and are trying to make up for it by standing by him now. Their motives could come from a load of places from relief and pride to fear to selfishness to guilt.

Whatever the reason... It is hard to blame parents in particular for putting their own kid first, even though I totally get that this is not fair from your perspective and that it must be deeply hurtful for you. (And of course we could argue that their approach is enabling your nephew and an example of exactly how male violence can flourish when it is excused... but if he's no longer being violent, perhaps the approach has helped in a way too? It's difficult for someone to turn their life around without cheerleaders.)

It seems clear that your family won't change. Therefore this seems less about whether you are being unreasonable or not than about whether you're prepared to find a way forwards to improve your relationships with your family members. Only you can answer what is more important.

I also wonder whether you can raise this issue with your nephew yourself in a way that is likely to open the door to repair? Something about wanting to reconnect with him and end the issues between you but how you can't easily let the past go and think an apology would really help? I wonder whether he'd go for that or whether he'd just ignore you / laugh / be abusive in return. You know him better than we do.

Everyone who feels blamed and cornered needs a way to retreat that isn't humiliating. That goes for you, your nephew and the rest of your family.