Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

Just protect your peace. You know what’s right and wrong. I think id cut them off if it was that serious.

Is she missing out?

By refusing to take sides your family have taken his side OP

He could have been trialled as an adult from the age of 16, depending on the crime. Otherwise, it's Juvenile Court and Detention.

OP, I really feel for you. There has been no justice for you, your family do not give a damn about you, yet they expect you to care about their opinions and follow their lead.

This will sound harsh, but you've been just as much as a pushover as the parents. You have all been complacent. Nobody has done the decent thing to challenge his behaviour and set him on the right path. Going to the police would have been the wake up call he needed, perhaps. It might have been the justice you deserve.

You can still go to the police - I feel that you should. Just say you were coerced and manipulated into not going, when it happened you were frightened. Look at all the women coming forward whom have been through historical abuse! It's always in the news; you can do it to. This family doesn't give a damn about you, so why are you letting them control you and speak to you like dirt? Go to the police and show them you will not be complicit in their behaviour.

If he has matured into a reasonable adult, he should know that what he did to you was wrong and he should apologise now. Shameful that he doesn’t.

The problem is, we'll never know. Has he managed to control his behaviour or is the anger still there under the 'nice' façade. I wouldn't trust this thug as far as I could throw him.

What a vile post.

Young men mature slowly and I think this might be a factor here. My nephew moved to live with us when he was 16 after my sister, his mother, whom we both miss and loved tremendously, passed away. Times were incredibly hard. We forgave unacceptable behaviour, lying and thieving for instance.
He's a lovely lad now, 10 years down the line. What hurts you most? His past behaviour or the acceptance of this.
Either way, it won't be easy but I'd try and appreciate he was an immature arse and maybe speak to him.
My nephew never apologised either but I.love him and we have a lovely relationship.

Ignore the crackpot post. YANBU. And tbh if this were me and all of my family were telling me to drop it for their sakes…I’d cut them all out of my life. That’s not family, that’s a group of enablers that don’t care about you and what happened. They just want it to go away because it makes their lives uncomfortable. The parents have clearly had a huge part in the way he’s turned out and behaviours like that don’t just go away. So I’d sit back and watch from a distance because he’ll ruin that perfect relationship one way or another and you’ll have the satisfaction in knowing that those are the consequences of him never owning his behaviour and apologising and correcting it. I hope the girlfriend knows he has violent tendencies when challenged.

So the family knew that he had been kicked out & you were the only one doing anything for him, were assaulted the one time you couldn't help & they think you are wrong?

What a bunch of shitheads.

Stand your ground, politely. Few things are worse or more ill-advised than letting people like that get away with it.

The family acting like it’s all gone away and forgotten but I bet he hasn’t forgotten and not resolving this is not helping him. It’s actually creating a problem that is going to explode one day. if you all were different people you’d probably go and get some family therapy or maybe just the two of you it needs to be resolved.

Op when his parents punished him and you helped him out, did you ask his parents for permition?
And surely you knew he was problematic, why did you get involved in helping him?

Pheraps if you give a inkling of what he did so wrong then you can get some better advice

It’s really hard to say without knowing what he actually did. How bad actually was it ? Is he a reformed character ?

Just tell everyone you will move on when he apologises. Easy. The ball is in his court not yours.

She has said why. He beat her up!

Are we talking, slapped your hands away or punched you in the face?
either is bad but….

read her posts, she has described it

Agree.

Victim blaming.

Absolutely this - if he’s evolved and matured so much, he will surely be horrified by what he did back then. The fact that he isn’t mortified and hasn’t apologised says it all. And the rest of your family sound pathetic. It’s awful OP. Your nephew could have repaired this long ago if he’d sincerely apologised.

This isn't your responsibility to feel .. its very hard when families want to sweep behaviours under the carpet there is always that one strong person within a family who stands truly for what is right & wrong and I think thats you.
Maybe you could go to the parties but refuse to engage with your nephew .
Just because its family doesn't mean we have to like them .. there's many in my own family I cant stand and have nothing to do with.
Please you not everyone else stand tall x

It doesn't sound like an apology from the nephew would be enough regardless of how genuine or heartfelt it was. OP talks in such absolutes – "unforgivable behaviour" and "I feel really bitter" and "I don't want to see him at all" that I don't think she's able to move on now without some professional therapy.

He did an awful thing as a teen but is he not allowed to rehabilitate himself as a young man?