Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

His parents honestly sound terrible, they’ve enabled him to be like this for all these years. I’m with you OP. They probably won’t tell him to apologise as they’re scared of his reaction, easier to tell you to move on.

Because she is angry? And the family are cruelly dismissing her very real hurt?

I think she had a right to be angry and I, like the op, would be similarly minded. I wouldn’t give a shit if it made it awkward at family occasions. You can’t just assault someone and then rewrite history.

He is the one who caused the problem. Reconciliation can only happen when he takes responsibility and apologises. Until then, op needs to keep to her truth.

Every time your family exhort you to let it go, tell them you will be happy to do so as soon as you receive a sincere apology from your nephew. If he has matured and changed, he really should not have a problem giving you that, in fact you would think he would want to do it. So the people they need to nag about this are your nephew and his parents, because they are the ones responsible for keeping the problem going.

And who does this hurt? Not the nephew. Every year that the OP holds out for an apology is a year in which she misses out on her family and gets angrier and more resentful and isolated. If this wasn't a problem she wouldn't be posting.

It’s a classic case of the victim being made to look like the problem.

Over time his assault has been conveniently watered down. I can understand that from his parent’s point of view. It was utterly shameful and they clearly want to brush it under the carpet.

Frankly they were and still are crap parents. There is no question about that.

Why not go to an event and pick the right time to speak to your nephew on the quiet.

Appeal to his better nature. Talk about how well he’s doing, you’re really pleased for him etc., it’s a shame about the event etc you were and still are really fond of him, and weadle an apology out of him.

You could do it if you hold your nerve and cleverly and gently manipulate the conversation. He KNOWS he’s done wrong.

Or maybe being around people who make excuses for a male who punched her repeatedly, is causing her unhappiness and stress? Personally I'm much happier without people like that in my life.

OP is hurt by her family trying to force her to shrug off being repeatedly punched for the sake of THEIR comfort. Nowhere does she say her upset is caused by not being able to be around her dickhead sister and BIL, or violent little thug of a nephew.

I agree, letting go of the family of the nephew is the sensible thing to do, and the OP has done this, she doesn't speak to them or be in the same place as them.

Now, though, the OP is hurting herself as she's also having to exclude herself from all family events to achieve this. She is the loser here if she wants connections, events and closeness with her other siblings and their families.

It isn't fair but that's the choice, no-one can go back in time and change what happens and you can't control what the others all think years later.

It's a huge sacrifice the OP is having to make.

Your parents failed you too here, I'm afraid.

What didn't THEY get him done for assault? Or your dad knock his lights out.

If an adult assaulted my child, it'd be the last thing they ever done..!!

Absolutely your parents failed you @IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth
😮😮😮

He treated you appallingly.I wouldn’t forgive either.treating you like that.he will carry on through his life like that if he doesn’t get his own way,and could end up in prison.and not one parent has taken any responsibility.im disgusted for you.

Come off Facebook!

Wow that’s bad Op! i thought you were going to say he used your house to host a party while you were away or something like that.

I’d be tempted to write underneath one of their FB posts about how proud they are of him: “Your son beat me up 5 years ago, and a few days later came back to shout vile abuse outside my house. In all this time he has not once apologised - hardly the actions of a reformed son who has come a long way.”

Yes it’s inflammatory but I suspect when something like that is out in the public they will be forced to confront how bad it really is. No sweeping under the carpet.

If your family give you a hard time about it just say that you can’t see why they’re upset - after all, they’ve been insisting it’s no big deal for years! how would you know they would find it embarrassing?!

Same here. Because it sounds like they are currently adding to the pain and they need to be reminded.

”What kind of a person are you that despite him doing X, Y, Z, despite me agreeing not to call the police, despite him showing no remorse, you are treating me like that, and accusing ME of causing the division? What sort of person does that? I assume you think all criminals who show NO remorse whatsoever, should automatically be let off the hook, and the victims given the responsibility responsibility for the resulting chaos and pain those criminals have caused. You need to give yourself a good talking to. And if you should ever find yourself a victim of any crime from any evil doer whatsoever, don’t expect any sympathy from me. Swallow it.”

But for your own sake OP, try to find a way to heal from it. This does not mean you should tolerate him at all. I wouldn’t give him the light of day.

No matter what they have done and what they say, their weakness and appalling standards are not yours, and you deserve far better treatment. If they can’t see that, you certainly can.

Wrote my previous message before I saw your other posts OP.

That’s appalling. I sometimes think we have difficulty healing ourselves because we think the only way to do it is to forgive the other. When we can’t, we judge ourselves as not being able to heal.

Not true.

You can absolutely accept how you feel about the lot of them, AND say to yourself that for your own sake, you can heal. Even despite them not being big enough to apologise. Accept that low life like that haven’t got the capacity within them.

Sounds like his girlfriend and employee have found a real catch - NOT.

It sounds like you are prepared to move past it, but in order to take that action, you need them to act first. It sounds like you need your nephew to acknowledge what he did, and to apologise, and for your sister and BIL to acknowledge that what he did was serious, and ideally, apologise for minimising it?

If that is so, I'm wondering if a session with a family mediator could help? Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick here.

I absolutely agree with you that his verbal AND physical assault of you was very serious indeed, and not least that you were still helping and supporting him at a time when his parents couldn't cope with his behaviour, and weren't. He's very fortunate indeed that you did not report his behaviour to the police.

This is terrible and I can’t believe the whole family have in effect taking sides: by not giving an opinion they have taken sides every bit as much. I agree with PPs that if he had really matured he would’ve come to make amends because that’s what mature adults do.

The whole story makes me realise how many abusers are formed. It’s not always because they were abused themselves there are equally those who were indulged and never given any boundaries whatsoever. I wouldn’t be so certain that he has completely changed either as he still doesn’t seem to have learned that lashing out with his fists is completely unacceptable because he has had zero consequences for his actions. In fact he’s been validated by the rest of the family and has now learnt gaslighting as a new skill to his repertoire.

Personally I couldn’t spend time with your family as they have completely let you down. They should at least have arranged some events without your nephew in solidarity with you. Be very clear, you haven’t got an issue you have a legitimate complaint which hasn’t been addressed in any reasonable way.

I know that’s a hard thing to do though and it leaves you with really the punishment! What happens when it’s your birthday. Would the rest of them come if you didn’t even your nephew’s family? My thoughts are that your sister is the queen bee of the family hence no one wanting to upset her and I’m so sad you’ve been the collateral damage.

He was 17, not three. He knew what he was doing and never even cared.

The rest of the family have also let her down though, and it’s letting go of them I am referring to. What value is there in having a relationship with siblings who respond to your assault by saying they don’t want to get involved? And it’s natural to doubt yourself when everyone is trying to get you to let something go without any amends, which is why many of us here are assuring her that she is doing the right thing.

your nephew sounds like a horrible dangerous prick and a misogynist. Scum. Report him to the police.

and sack off your family they sound like pricks too for enabling his behaviour.

you deserve so much better, Op

@Corvidsarethebest

I don’t think it is much of a sacrifice tbh. Disentangling herself from such horrible people is a good thing for OP. Just cos they are family doesn’t mean they are decent people capable of bringing good to her life. She is better off without them all.

I wouldnt be talking to anyone again who physically assaulted me, when I was the only one helping them at the time. 17 is old enough to know that is wrong, ffs blaming hormones! Your sister is a terrible parent and wet lettuce, you’re better off without them op. Stick to the other side of the family

I'm so sorry for what you experienced.

Unfortunately, I'm still waiting for my ex to apologise for his behaviour against me. I even said so in court...We're 19 years and counting. So I wouldn't hold your breath.

hr abused you end off and that behaviour will come out again. Either with parents or new partner cheetahs don’t change their spots

Sorry in your post you say you ‘grabbed his arm’, while I appreciate you saying you were going to ask him to go fetch those keys, we need to remember that he did not know why you grabbed his arm. There is more to this, sorry. Grabbing someone’s arm, and them then attacking someone, could be viewed as reactionary self defence. has anyone asked you why you felt it was ok to grab someone?

Regardless of the above, it’s your choice to go where he is invited or to simply not go, you are lucky, you are an adult, you choose. Do not expect others to choose one over the other because there is 2 sides to this and all you can do is to do what makes you comfortable.