Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

Of course he is. And it starts with acknowledging openly that what he did was unacceptable. Why does the work of repairing this rupture fall to the person he physically assaulted?

I never said it did. OP is firm in her stance and the point I made was that she probably wouldn't accept the apology anyway, so it's a moot point. I wonder if he's been dissuaded by his parents from apologising because they are angry OP cut them off.

Ive read what he did to you and im 1 million percent with you in that you should never have to speak to him or,see him again.
To think he has never apologised showed any shame about hurting you this way is an absolute disgrace and as for his parents and the rest of your family they should understand.
I wouldn't want him anywhere near my family x
Sorry he did this to you x

If you know this kid is prone to violence and you choose to interfere while his parents are trying to discipline him—just hoping he won't turn on you—that’s a massive mistake. It’s completely hypocritical that she was being lenient and helping him, all while complaining that his parents are the ones who are too lenient. I’m not excusing the kid's behavior at all, but she absolutely shouldn't have stepped in without his parents' knowledge and while they tried to punish him.
He still should appologize ofcourse but OP was not angel herself.

I just want to offer a slightly alternative perspective on the initial incident.

I worked with teenagers with behavioural problems who could be very violent, and was trained to intervene physically when necessary.

The worst violence often came when they felt cornered in some way. We knew that if we tried to block someone leaving a room, we put ourselves at great risk.

OP has clearly said that she grabbed his arm to stop him and he hit her 3 or 4 times. That was very wrong, as was his preceding behaviour. But it almost certainly escalated because the OP was physical first.

Yes, he absolutely should apologise. But it's been 5 years. Who knows what the wider family think happened - and even, what he now, looking back, believes happened then?

OP has every right to cut off her family completely, but what a price she will pay for that. I would hate to go through life alienated from my whole family.

It's so easy to hear one side of a story and say the equivalent of LTB. But this is Leave The Whole Family, and I'm not sure all the people urging that have thought about what it is like to cut off your whole family - including the ones who weren't there, weren't involved, and are trying not to take sides. Which actually sounds like how many siblings might sensibly react in that situation.

Absolutely get this. Been through something similar. You have the higher ground here.

We are foster carers aswell as parents of estranged adult children. If it's wrong you need to say so & not take the .

On the other hand if there are mitigating circumstances they should be acknowledged.This is a difficult one to navigate.

Wishing you well. X

Agree.

You asked ‘is he not allowed to rehabilitate himself as a young man?’ Rehabilitation is restoration to a healthy state. OP’s nephew hasn’t done this - the situation persists. There is no evidence to suggest he ever will, so who do you think needs to ‘rehabilitate’ in this scenario?

something that happened ages ago and its time I got over it

But it is, isn't it? And you ARE behaving irrationally.

You also have to stand by your own actions.
You chose, at the time, to let it slide. And you have had plenty of time to change your mind if you felt the parents weren't dealing with it to your satisfaction.

But the time to say "this isn't good enough, either you punish him properly or I go to the police" has long gone. Instead of acting in your own defence you have stood back and expected others to do it for you. And now you have been carrying this grudge for 5 years!

What exactly do you expect to happen?

And what do you want from this thread? We can't magically put it right for you! YOU have to find a way to let this go, because I can assure you, it is eating away at you far more than anyone else in the family.

I’m not excusing the kid's behavior at all No, youre not talking about his behaviour at all, are you? Too focused on OP and how you can blame her for male violence.

The fact that he hasn't apologised and his parents are minimising what happened doesnt' really inspire confidence that he has matured or cahnged.

I think we're talking cross purposes. You mean rehabilitating himself towards OP, I'm talking in general. All the evidence points to him having sorted his life out now, holding down a job etc, and that's good – it benefits no one if he's still off the rails.

Voice of reason.

Grudge??

A young man slaps a woman (his aunt) 3 times and she's blamed for holding a 'grudge'.

I actually have no words.

Ive taken in all the replies on the thread but feel I need to respond to this one in particular.
Firstly I never thought he was prone to violence. He would argue with his siblings a lot, stay out all night from being 13/14, refuse to go to school, steal money from the home etc. He and his siblings ran the house and all 4 were hard work for the mum and dad but there was never much discipline. Dad worked away from home a lot and mum would actually say it was easier to let them have their own way than argue.
The elder son was the one they had the most trouble with, at the time they were younger I lived in the next street and sis would often come round in tears. My nephew was often blamed for things the elder brother had done and I think a lot of the rebellion was due to that.

When they threw him out he went to live with a mate that my sister didnt like but she didn't want him back home. His mum and dad knew I was taking him to work and back, I thought it was good that he had got a job and it was keeping him off the streets at night . I never did anything without his parents knowing and at the time they were grateful I was looking out for him.

As for being physical first, he had just thrown my car keys into a field and all I did was grab his sleeve and say 'Whoa, go and get my car keys back'. His reaction to that was way off the scale.

I think this is sound advice. You can forget and move on with your family. You don't have to forgive and talk to him. Choose whatever gives you peace. Don't let him steal that.

Isnt she responsible as an adult at all for acting against his parents wishes and getting involved with aggressive teen?

I'm a bit baffled to be honest. If you knew he wasn't prone to violence, knew he was unfairly getting a lot of flak at home for things his brother did, but generally was a good kid having a hard time in a household where his parents were ineffectual at best, useless at worst – to the point you stepped in to help him – why are you still so unable to accept that his reaction to you grabbing his sleeve, while appalling, was out of character? Why is it still so unforgivable in the context of what was going on in his life at the time and how he's turned things around since?

The resolution of this has got nothing to do with the OP. It’s got everything to do with the nephew until he faces what he did accepts it. he will never properly move on with his life.

Go the police. Screw him. How long are they going to keep making excuses for his behaviour. If they want him to end up in prison one day then they are going the right way about it!

He is never going to accountable, if yet again it gets brushed under the carpet. It needs to stop now!

This totally.
I know it’s hard to move on, but it was six years ago, and he was 17.
Maybe the rest of the family are simply so relieved as they thought he’d ended up a drug addict or in prison by this age.

Op you’re seeing clearly what rules your family operate on. It’s not love and truth. It’s denial and enabling and anyone who threatens the ‘tribe’ has to be shunned. They’re great you know. You just make people feel uncomfortable with your reality based narrative. Op luckily for you the world is filled with wonderful people. The trick is to have more lovely people in your life than people who throw you under a bus to make a family get together less awkward. Its just a numbers game. You get to a point where the people who don’t love you just fall away. I highly recommend it 🫶🏽

Maybe the rest of the family are simply so relieved as they thought he’d ended up a drug addict or in prison by this age.

yeah like he could have ended up unable to apologise and happy to cause pain.

so if your daughter said someone of a similar age, relative of her partner had done this to her? You’d be like, ‘yeah that’s fine carry on hanging around with them’. You wouldn’t would you? 😳🫣

You want him to get a criminal record that will affect the rest of his life for something that happened when he was 17 that had extenuating circumstances and which OP by her own admission inserted herself into against his parents' wishes?