DH working from home ALL the time; feeling absolutely drained by him

[Gotitthanks]

That sounds horrible but hear me out. DH is disabled. It’s fairly recent and we’re all still adjusting I dare say.

Work has adjusted to him working from home permanently. Because of his disability he has to sit in a specially adapted chair. There’s no room for it in any of the bedrooms upstairs so he’s in the lounge.

Since he’s sleeping badly at night he is working when he can. He was working until 8 o clock last night. We have young children and I am sick to death of having a husband who is there in all but name.

I know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL without sounding an arse but truth is I’m sick of the sight of him!

Can you rearrange the house so that one of the bedrooms becomes the new lounge and the lounge becomes his office?

That sounds tough for all of you. How old are your children?

Not having a separate space for him to work from is a big part of the problem . You really need to see if there is any way you can remedy this . Either rearrange the space you have or consider if you can afford to have a garden office .

Time to sort where and how he works!

Can a bedroom be rearranged?

Can an office space be created downstairs so he can close a door behind him so you're all separate?

Any chance of a garden office? Convert part of a garage? Anything else you have space wise like an unusual shape and size of hallway?

Garden room?

Yes, it does sound terrible. It must be so hard for him to be disabled and the fact he is not depressed but has thrown himself into work is surely fantastic. Even if it comes at an inconvenience to you. He is doing his best to support the whole family in the way he can.
Appreciate that having little privacy must be tough but can you reconfigure any other rooms to be the play spaces for the kids.
Does he expect everyone to be quiet when he is working? Is that the problem?

He can’t go into a garden office - he can barely walk.

@Araminta1003 it isn’t fantastic having someone sat working until well into the evening I’m afraid, it just isn’t.

If he can walk from his bedroom to the living room, why could he not walk to a garden office? Are there any walking aids that might help?

You need a separate space - i WFH 90 per cent of time, i have a separate room, door can be closed, thats the only way it works. My husband is around most of the time ( farming) so i dont expect the house to be constantly quite, house is for living too. My cleaner here every second week hoovering mopping etc. I can still work. I keep to a fairly strict schedule. Start roughly same time and finish same time when i can apart from a few late calls so doesnt eat into my home life. Door is closed off when finished
Just to add i have long term chronic pain too that makes it hard to walk - i still need my separate space to work.

He’s on crutches but our garden isn’t the most even surface. He does actually have an office at the bottom of the garden but the thing is comfort is an issue. He regularly stops work to go upstairs and lie down, needs to be near a toilet, needs to be near his meds.

@Gotitthanks - I often work from 10pm until 1am as that is when my brain functions best. That has always been the case. My DH loves the first early morning slot and often logs into work in the evening too. But we each have our separate work spaces.
I can imagine that if he cannot sleep well and is still adjusting that he needs to be able to work when he can work best. Obviously it is hard for you if that is a time you need the space for the kids? Or is it that you want to be connecting with him at that time?

But do you have tiny children @Araminta1003 ? If it was just me and DH he could crack on to a large extent.

It sounds horrendous OP. It sounds like you're effectively a single parent and carer to boot, and if it's all recent, then it's a huge learning curve for all of you.

I used to work as a carer for a man who became paraplegic after a dreadful accident on a mountain bike in his late 30s. His wife was the loveliest lady, and I would be with him for 4 hours at a time to give her some respite. She would often just walk outside when I arrived and stand taking very deep breaths for 10 minutes or so before she'd do anything else. My heart used to ache for them both, it was a horribly cruel twist of fate how their lives changed so abruptly.

@Victorius19 in the space of a few months I’ve become a single parent with the other parent present but weirdly not. One of the horrible things is how DH tunes us out. I feel like a ghost some days!

I remember getting some very bad news once and (probably being in shock) thinking to myself, well this must be why I read a load of great literature about patience, suffering and acceptance at university, now is the time to apply it! But it’s very hard to do when it’s actually you…

You are in a really difficult phase of adjustment and transition, adjusting to an awful impact on your family, but could it help to regard this as simply that? It is shit and unfair, but you will eventually adjust to a new normal.

I think the best idea is probably to allow your DH the adapted space he needs in the sitting room and make that his zone. Would blocking off or locking a door help?

No @Gotitthanks - not anymore thankfully. Youngest of 4 is now 12.
So you need the space to feed the tiny children and relax and once they are in bed, you are happy for him to work there? And you want all of you to spend time as a family then? If he can, or for him to rest at that time upstairs if he needs to? So have you discussed that with him calmly and what did he say?
I mean his disability is a massive adjustment for you all and a sort of grief.

Sick to death and sick of the sight of someone are powerful words. No advice but hope things improve

@Araminta1003 it does make rather a big difference as I’m sure you can imagine. It isn’t about what I’m happy with; I’m not really happy with any of it! But the point is in terms of what effects us is that the communal area of a house has been turned into an office; the children are ignored by their dad and I’m doing absolutely everything.

I don't believe in therapy as it's mentioned as the cure all for everything on this site, but in this case, is he talking to someone about the changes he's gone through? Because if he's a ghost in your lives, that needs to change.

Sounds really tough OP. You will need to come up with a more sustainable situation as time goes on. Would you have room to convert a garage or downstairs room to a suitable workplace? For now feel free to vent.

I hope so too. The OP must be enduring a lot. Obviously, her dh is amazing, going back to work, he’s suffered a disability, his life has radically changed, but I can feel her sheer frustration through the screen. Of course he’s not going to be happy, but it sounds like she’s practically a single parent and is suddenly having to do everything. I’m another who thinks the lounge needs to switch floors.

A friend told me how she was on the point of divorce when covid hit and her dh had to work from home, big house, too, it wasn’t like she couldn’t just close the door and ignore him. As soon as she could, she demanded that he go back to work. The kids weren’t little, so didn’t really need help with them, but the constant presence of her dh drove her to what I think was almost depression.

It sounds like he needs to work upstairs then. Can you reconfigure rooms to make that happen? Can two children share or one shares with you and he has his own room? Something has to change even if the new system isn't ideal. He can't take over the only sitting room.

Are there any grants available for converting your house for his disability?

Could the garden office be used by one of the children as a bedroom temporarily, if they are old enough?

Can you post a floorplan? People can be quite creative about how spaces can be adapted.

No definitely not. And no matter how old they are I really am not comfortable with having a child sleeping in a separate space like that.

Floor plan wise downstairs is open plan. Besides he’d have to be amenable to any changes and he wouldn’t be. We’re stuck with DH in the lounge on the laptop for however long this situation goes on for.