DH working from home ALL the time; feeling absolutely drained by him

[Gotitthanks]

That sounds horrible but hear me out. DH is disabled. It’s fairly recent and we’re all still adjusting I dare say.

Work has adjusted to him working from home permanently. Because of his disability he has to sit in a specially adapted chair. There’s no room for it in any of the bedrooms upstairs so he’s in the lounge.

Since he’s sleeping badly at night he is working when he can. He was working until 8 o clock last night. We have young children and I am sick to death of having a husband who is there in all but name.

I know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL without sounding an arse but truth is I’m sick of the sight of him!

"You just need"

not helpful

I agree

The only solution to my mind is TELL him he needs to do set hours. If he cannot do this for his young family then he needs to give up work.
It really is not fair on the rest of the family and on your mh.

@GotitthanksI’m so sorry. Can his doctor(s) give him anything to help him sleep? If you could improve his sleep, maybe he could get things done during regular office hours then you could at least have evenings in the lounge.

He sounds like he may be depressed (understandably so). Perhaps that’s also something to raise in one of his appointments too. Hopefully treatment would help him be more present with you all ❤️‍🩹. That could also be adding to his sleep issues too.

I’m sorry it sounds like an impossible situation. But it’s early days, everyone adjusting and trying to find a rhythm. Good luck xx

(edited for typos)

OP please don’t discount therapy, although you have one that’s only two there are ways of using play therapy for children even that young. I really would recommend a carers assessment because it will look at ways of supporting you with this massive change in your lives. Your husband would definitely benefit as well because you’re all going through a form of grief right now. Honestly it is worth speaking to your GP and asking if they offer anything, particularly along the lines of social prescriptions.

I think your mistake was starting a thread about your DH WFH in the lounge - and so people are going to try and give you solutions.

But it seems it’s not the taking over the lounge that’s the issue.

How long has this been going on for?
Have you needed to give up work?
I assume your his carer now - is there any support for carers in your area?

The situation sounds very hard and desperately sad. I really feel for you and all of your feelings are perfectly valid. You are living my worst nightmare because I KNOW I am not a natural carer, I would absolutely resent the shit out of my husband in your situation, and knowing that this makes me the worst kind of selfish person only makes that worse. When you've got kids, you need a partner and an equal, not a man-sized dependent that's always having a worse day than you and it's okay to think those thoughts.

Vent away, because I know you will be sucking it all up and smiling at home. What else can you do?

I think it's reasonable for you to establish some boundaries for yourself and your kids, and to do it now while it IS early days and the situation is still so new and flux-y. Tell him it isn't fair for him to work in the living room after 6.30pm as you all - him included - need some family time. The kids need their dad. That's not unreasonable.

Long-term, is moving house possible? It sounds like you need somewhere with more ground floor space, so he can have a working space - with a day bed - and your family can have separate socialising space. I appreciate this isn't a quick or easy fix.

Is his disability likely to improve, or deteriorate?

Much love to you.

I think small steps are your best bet here op, I do feel for you, you must be feeling very lonely. Does he eat with you for example. Could you ask him to read the children a story after their bath time and have a little chat about their day, it only needs to be for 30 minutes, but it would be progress if you can get him to agree. 💐

You don’t sound loving or supportive

Think would be easier if we knew if short, medium or life long disability

It sounds awful for you. It sounds like he has completely shut off. This isn’t an answer but is there a way of you using the room in the garden, maybe for a play area or picnic lunch or an area to exercise in the evening if you have any energy left, just to give you some time away.

It must be awful, for you, the children and for him. Presumably he’s in a period of adjustment too? Does he understand that the situation is not sustainable in the mid to long term? Have you been able to address that with him and do you think he can work to a better solution, even if that’s an extension that becomes the family room?

I understand your frustration entirely.

Have you tried to speak to him about it?

Probably because she sounds burned out

That is a shame. You need to talk to him and he needs to listen. It’s going to be impossible without that.

Do you have friends and family who visit? Anybody that could divert his attention away from work and help him get some perspective on the situation and help him think about the impact on you as well?

I hope you can become a team again soon and plan your next steps.

Oh give over. That's really not true if you read all of OP's posts. You can be loving and supportive, but still frustrated and angry with the way your life changed. Especially when you see the effect on your small children.

Give OP a break.

The woman's being ghosted by her own husband, who's also ignoring their children, she's come on here and been honest, give her a break.

We have gone from one life to another and need to adjust.

It sounds like you're both reeling from the change, but there is going to have to be an acceptance that you and your DC are in the house, and also have needs and requirements of your own and need consideration. Will he enter into a conversation about this or is he closed off to discussion?

I really sympathise OP. Hes disabled but hes still your husband and you should be able to have frank and honest discussions with him. It sounds like mentally he isn't in a great place either. I think you need to meet this head on you and your family cant continue like this

This sounds horrible for you all. Your DH is the one directly affected by what has happened but you are all tied to him and with him are grieving for the life you expected and suffering from the uncertainty of a newish situation. You need to accept any help you can. Apply for PIP and see if you can use that money to make life easier whether this is with a cleaner, or to make adaptations to the house or whatever works for you.
I know you said upthread that therapy would be expensive but there might be sources of free or subsidised support, through a charity specific to his condition maybe or through an organisation for children living with a sick or disabled parent.
At the moment things are happening to you, not you doing things so I suspect you feel out of control. Him being able to be in a different space would help as the withdrawal would be less obvious. If the downstairs is completely open plan could you have an area partitioned off? Could you rearrange upstairs so that two children shared and you created a playroom/snug where you and the children hang out? Could you have the home office relocated to closer to the house, either for him or as an escape for you?
Do you do any care for DH? If not can you and the children go away for a holiday? If you do are there any relief carers?

What? I havent made any comment nor replied to any comment about a carers assessment.

As his working is accommodating of him doing the bare minimum I think you need a come to Jesus chat that he needs to be present for the DC a couple of hours each day after his nap perhaps?

@Gotitthanks I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. Is his disability likely to improve over time, get worse or remain the same?

OP,

It sounds horrendous.
If the situation was reversed, do you really think you would be allowed to withdraw so fully?

I have heard many many times of the man getting sick and downing tools, when a woman somehow has to get on with it.

I think whatever his pain level this isn't sustainable.

I think you are going to need to get very tough with him, pain or no pain.

The longer this goes on the more entitled he will become.

I am speaking from experience having been in huge pain for a couple of years after a car crash.

Somehow life had to go on, despite my injuries.

Is this the long term prognosis?

I think as hard as it is you both need to adjust to the new normal. Him more so, and you need to give him time.

is this permanent.?