DH working from home ALL the time; feeling absolutely drained by him

[Gotitthanks]

That sounds horrible but hear me out. DH is disabled. It’s fairly recent and we’re all still adjusting I dare say.

Work has adjusted to him working from home permanently. Because of his disability he has to sit in a specially adapted chair. There’s no room for it in any of the bedrooms upstairs so he’s in the lounge.

Since he’s sleeping badly at night he is working when he can. He was working until 8 o clock last night. We have young children and I am sick to death of having a husband who is there in all but name.

I know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL without sounding an arse but truth is I’m sick of the sight of him!

@Gotitthanks This sounds incredibly hard. If you don’t manage to sort something out, you will begin to resent your husband. Your husband becoming disabled doesn’t just affect him, it must have changed your relationship dynamic to some extent.

I hope you have someone to talk to about all this.

Is there any indication of how long this situation is likely to continue? If his disability, to this level, is probably for a few months then it might be worth struggling through. If it's going to possibly be much longer then a radical rethink is needed. What rooms/spaces does the house have and what functions need to be met? Hopefully the husband can adjust to his new normal so that he can both work and contribute to family life.

It doesn’t but the fact is he has positioned himself in the lounge and with no set hours is just working what feels like round the clock. It’s a useful distraction and I do understand this but just the same it’s very difficult to be around.

I do know there’s an instinct to want to solve and suggest but it isn’t a problem that will vanish with him going upstairs or even outside, even if he was amenable to this.

Besides he’d have to be amenable to any changes and he wouldn’t be.
Was he like that before the disability?

Can his space be partitioned off with a folding screen/room divider? If he can tune you out then your noise is not an issue. And it'll hide him & his desk without major alterations.

Resurface the garden or at least a path.

Even if he then removes himself out there for the evening hours, might help?

(Meds can go in a rucksack and be carried if necessary).

I had to adjust to being disabled once too. It's hard. But hard on you if you are doing 100% of childcare and in half a room...

Sending my sympathy, it sounds incredibly tough. You don’t say how old your children are - but if I were you I would be turning that garden room into my very own bolt hole with every little treat I could cram into it. I hope things start to get easier for you

But losing the life you expected in this way is a form of grief for both of you. And most likely he is in a different grief stage than you are. He is at denial still and you are moving to anger?
The most important thing is that you somehow connect on a human level and support each other through this emotionally somehow. It is OK you are victim here too and he is not responsible for that. What happened to him has happened to both of you.
That would be my starting point is to try and just connect on a human level.
Next point would be to see if he is OK with trying to give each kid 10 minutes of undivided attention per day. Even if it is just listening to songs together or watching them colour or play. So they do not remember this time badly.
Start with baby steps.

Are you entitled to any grants/ funding/ insurance to make the house more suitable for his needs? I know the last thing you need is even more disruption but perhaps if there was a plan in place, it might be more bearable in the meantime?

An occupational therapy assessment of the home might help, because they would take into consideration impact on the family and might be able to mediate the discussion a bit.

Is couples therapy an option at all? This is a huge change for both of you?

You have so much of my sympathy op. Dh switched to working from home, and I love the bones of the man but I need him to just go away sometimes too. I can’t even imagine how much harder it is for you.

Exactly my question.

@Araminta1003 mybheart goes out to him but I can’t pretend it’s not massively affected me as well, I’m afraid. And selfish as it may sound please appreciate I’m spending every day running round after him; this is for me, my space.

Wouldn’t have thought so @Ooofbananas , although should be able to access PIP. We’ll know a bit more next month.

@Datafan55 yes we can resurface the path but he still has to walk on it. Making someone walk for whom walking is unbelievably painful kind of isn’t up there with the whole love and cherish thing. I know that sounds a bit terse but you know …

Is his disability permanent? Is he having any form of rehabilitation? Can u get financial help from the government?

An occupational therapy assessment of the home might help, because they would take into consideration impact on the family and might be able to mediate the discussion a bit.

That is an excellent idea (though you might already have had one @Gotitthanks ). When my late husband was ill, the OT was incredible. Calm, rational, empathetic to every member of the family's needs, and able to provide equipment and a handyman to make alterations.

Of course you might already have had OT advice, but if not, that would be my first port of call.

Oh definitely but what people aren’t understanding is that works become his life, it isn’t a clock on at 9 end at 6 thing any more. It’s 24/7. And it’s in our lounge.

If he is working in the house/lounge out of necessity, can you make use of the room in the garden instead? Turn it into a playroom for the kids, TV room, relax space? So that in the daytime the kids are playing out of his way, you can watch TV away from him while he works? Gives you both a bit of space from each other at least for a few hours of the day.

Whats the life set up - are you working at home full time too? Or SAHM? Kids in school or younger?
Is his disability permanent, or unknown?

@Gotitthanks there has to be a way to change round the bedrooms so he has one bedroom to sleep and work?
Even if it means you and the children in one room in bunks or you sleeping on a sofa bed - you need that living space back.
Sympathies for your situation. The curse of open plan with no separate snug.

I'm sorry but this is not ok. You need to have a serious talk with him and together come up with solutions. Are you sure his chair wouldn't fit in one of the bedrooms if you took a bed out? It would be better if he worked upstairs and the two of you used a pull down bed in the lounge than the current arrangement.

Can’t he mix his hours up a bit, like do 3 hrs, 3 hrs then 2 or something so that he is available for the kids/you in between? Surely he’s not working 8 - 8 for example?

Can you adapt the garden room into a comfy lounge area for you and the kids? Some where you can hangout while he works in the house?

Negotiate with him some protected hours where he is a parent/ partner and not in work mode?

Do you think he wouldn't be willing to take your needs into account because he's fed up enough having to deal with the disability?

I notice you also said just having him in another room wouldn't solve the problem. Is that because the work situation is only part of the issue?

What job does he do ?

It’s because he barely notices a thing. We’re there but we don’t exist. It is most uncomfortable, I do honestly feel a bit like Patrick swayze’s character in Ghost.

Have you looked at Disability Facility Grants? As a longer term solution.

You need to sit down and tell him. This set up is not working for you and your family.

Ultimately, if this disability and working arrangement is long term, you will need to move to a property that better suits your husband's needs.

I'm sorry for your troubles.

This sounds awful. It’s affecting all you of, not just your husband. You need to speak to him and decide what will work best long term.