DH working from home ALL the time; feeling absolutely drained by him

[Gotitthanks]

That sounds horrible but hear me out. DH is disabled. It’s fairly recent and we’re all still adjusting I dare say.

Work has adjusted to him working from home permanently. Because of his disability he has to sit in a specially adapted chair. There’s no room for it in any of the bedrooms upstairs so he’s in the lounge.

Since he’s sleeping badly at night he is working when he can. He was working until 8 o clock last night. We have young children and I am sick to death of having a husband who is there in all but name.

I know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL without sounding an arse but truth is I’m sick of the sight of him!

Are there cognitive effects of his disability? Has he got some kind of brain damage to explain the change in personality?

Can the garden office be made more comfortable for him? Is there room for a single bed or a recliner to lie down? Could he rent a wheelchair for a while so he doesn’t have to walk?

Could you use the garden room as a children’s lounge?

Fot me the crucial thing would be that whilst he’s suffering, he appreciates what you and the family are going through and the impact it is having on you. That despite suffering, he understood what was going on for you as well. It sounds like it’s early days so I really hope you can all adapt and reach a new normal. It sounds incredibly stressful and limiting for you.

So there are two aspects to this, as I understand it. One is where he works, and some ideas are being kicked around for that. You might have to be creative about it; move a wardrobe downstairs so there's room for him to work in your bedroom, or something like that.

The other is when he works. For that, you need to to have a good talk about it. One advantage of working from home is that you can split up the working rather than keeping it 9-5, but this can also be a disadvantage, particularly if there are others to consider. Perhaps there can be some compromise. I know that when mine was little, the time I really needed DH around was 5-7, when I was burnt out, child tired and dinner needed cooking. DH was working round the corner at that point, and used to come home for that period, and then go back to work later if need be. Perhaps you can persuade DH that 5 - 7pm (or whatever you most need) is family time, and at that point you'd like him not to be working. He's presumably restricted on what he can do with the children, but at that time of day it would probably be really useful if he could down tools, let them in the lounge, and read with them / watch TV with them / supervise homework if they've reached that stage, and eat together. If he goes back to work later in the evening, then fine, provided he doesn't mind you watching TV in the same space. The same might apply to lunchtime. (Obviously if you manage to move his workspace to your bedroom, then there will have to be a curfew on evening working so you can go to bed.)

You need an alternative lounging room then, whether that is the kitchen, a dining room, or even an upstairs space you put a TV in.

Would it be easier for him to stay upstairs (assuming his bed there) and put this chair and desk up there?

I would hate this too so sympathies.

Blimey, there's not going to be a quick solution. Is the zoning you out just since the disability? A sort of coping mechanism that he's gone in on himself and just focusing on work?

How long ago did this happen OP ? I worked as a disability outreach worker for over twenty years and part of my mandate was to support newly disabled people. When you’ve been able bodied and suddenly you can’t do the things you used to, it’s a horribly steep learning curve. Can you give him some space to adjust, because it’s my experience that it takes some time to do so and to learn how to cope with your new restrictions.

What kind of property are you in - is there scope to extend ? Have you looked into a disabled facilities grant ? At the very least you should be asking the LA for an OT assessment to see what can be done. I have to say OP, this is a massive life change for him and you seem to be more wrapped up in how his disability affects the rest of the family. At least he’s working - could you manage without his wage or if he found a job that was less inconvenient for the rest of you but paid less ?

I wonder if he needs some counselling. You're all adjusting to this new and pretty devastating situation. His solution is to submerge himself in work to the detriment of all else. It's probably what gives him purpose when he can't go out and about. His actions are incredibly selfish and damaging but he is happily oblivious.
Yes he has undergone a traumatic period but he's not living in isolation and other people have needs as well. The boundaries of your relationship and domestic life need to be withdrawn. You need a serious talk with him otherwise I fear you will split and how would he cope then?
Would it be possible to move to a home which is better suited to his needs. That might solve a lot of problems.

Redrawn not withdrawn!

Can you turn the garden office into a living room/chill out space for you and the children?

He sounds incredibly inconsiderate and selfish and cruel to you and your DC.
Can you do a major declutter of all that won’t be used now he’s disabled and reconfigure a space upstairs for the family?
If He won’t work with you as Team 6ate9 then you need to protect your MH and that of your precious DC.

You said your DH would have to be amenable to any changes and he wouldn’t be? Curious about this? Was he stubborn/controlling before this happened? Surely this needs to be a team effort to make things as comfortable as possible for everyone during this period. Of all the suggestions, erecting a screen so his office space is cordoned off sounds like the most simple solution. If he tunes out then the noise shouldn’t bother him , and you could feel like there was more separation btwn a work area and leisure area. Having spent the last 8 months disabled by pain and knowing how much my partner has to do, I lean in as much as I can to anything I can do that might make life easier.

If this is long term then you need an open conversation about a long term plan. This can’t go on. He needs to know how you are feeling and be involved in a plan. If he can’t put the hours required into work he has to request fewer hours so that he isn’t working so much.

And yes, turn the garden room into a sitting/playing area.

Created a desk in bedroom

once kids are home downstairs then becomes a home not an office

he has to compromise as well

talk to him

I’m sorry OP, this sounds really hard.

That sounds like a very painful adjustment for each of you. I hope you find ways to make it more palatable all round. It's going to take a lot of patience. Good luck.

Is a wheelchair out of the question ? I’ve supported many newly disabled people who were horrified at the thought of wheelchair use. If you introduce it bit by bit it may be that the realisation dawns that it’s much easier than struggling - especially if it’s a self propelled model. Losing your mobility is hard - and I’m speaking from experience having been disabled at birth but having to transition into a wheelchair in later life. But it can be done if supported in the right way.

He won’t be at this stage yet, and you do have to give it time, but eventually he’s going to have to realise that he’s not the only one impacted by this, and there will have to be changes which he may not like. As long as they’re not changes which make life more difficult for him, adjusting shouldn’t be a problem. OP an OT assessment is really the best way to go for proper advice.

Is he depressed? Just wondering about ignoring you and drowning himself in work.

What was your relationship like before? Is this just surfacing/ heightening issues you already had together?

I grew up with a disabled father and the whole house and everything in it revolved around him. Us kids tiptoed around so as not to disturb the holy one. He also used silence when he was peeved. We were trained from an early age to fetch and carry and serve. He also had to cope with periodic and massive amounts of pain.
What I would take from it was that no one else’s needs were taken into account which is what you are describing. When the dust has settled and you have written up your notes on what you would like addressed, book a meeting with him and thrash it out. It’s also your home and your life, you are entitled to both, as are your children.

God almighty, give your head a wobble. Tell us you know nothing about disabilty without telling us………

The man is recently disabled. He’s coping with a major life change and the expected reaction is selfishness and lack of consideration in the first instance, while he adjusts and works out what he needs. You can’t just ‘declutter’ and remove things that mean something to him just because he’s disabled.

What has he said when you've mentioned his work hours affecting the family and him ignoring the kids?

Can his old office be changed into a sitting room for you and the children, @Gotitthanks?

The man is recently disabled. Can you not appreciate that he may need time to adjust ?