DH working from home ALL the time; feeling absolutely drained by him

[Gotitthanks]

That sounds horrible but hear me out. DH is disabled. It’s fairly recent and we’re all still adjusting I dare say.

Work has adjusted to him working from home permanently. Because of his disability he has to sit in a specially adapted chair. There’s no room for it in any of the bedrooms upstairs so he’s in the lounge.

Since he’s sleeping badly at night he is working when he can. He was working until 8 o clock last night. We have young children and I am sick to death of having a husband who is there in all but name.

I know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL without sounding an arse but truth is I’m sick of the sight of him!

Yes I'm in the same position with regards to working from home. It's not easy but I'm grateful I can pay bills and it gives me some flexibility I have read the OP. I'm not talking about having a disability, but the aspect of working from home.. so many people have to do this with kids. So do many people spend over an hour a day each way commuting with 8 hours and sometimes longer, so out of the house nearly the entire day. That's tough too.

Can he go part-time and cut his hours to make things easier all round? Do you have a garage you can convert? Recognise these all have financial impacts but not sure what your own working position is and whether you can up your own hours to compensate?

As hard as this is for you, it must be pretty shitty for him. Time for some proper conversations to come up with a long-term plan to make this work.

What would your ideal achievable situation be? How does he react when you tell him how you feel about him ignoring his family? Would you consider leaving the marriage as it’s clearly not working for you & your children, im sure you don’t want them growing up in these circumstances & thinking that this is acceptable behaviour from people who are supposed to love/ support them

Sympathies OP. I’d want to kill him probably - and I don’t care if this makes mediums mean

as to what you do about it, I don’t know. He perhaps need to commit to finding a solution as this isn’t sustainable

Thank you.

I can see a lot of people have fixated on DH in the lounge as the issue and if it was only that the solution is obvious; to move DH out of the lounge. It’s more than that though. Since DH had the news he’s only left the house for hospital appointments; he’s withdrawn from me and from the children, he’s generally very morose to be around. Before anyone attacks me for saying that, I do understand but equally I can’t pretend it’s not horrible for me.

DHs work is entirely voluntary on his part. His company are happy for him to do the absolute bare minimum. But he isn’t working set hours. He will work for maybe three hours in the morning then go to sleep for the afternoon then wake up and do more in the evening.

It is frustrating as it’s like he’s in a bubble on the chair.

I probably haven’t explained it well. I understand work has become a crutch of normality for him so he’s clinging on to it. I really do see that. Just the same - it’s shit!

Everyone needs individual and family therapy. Everyone.

I'm so sorry.

I absolutely get it. It's inhibiting and unsettling having someone working in a living space. Being tuned out obviously only makes it feel weirder.
You say he's not amenable to any changes; what does this mean? Have you said how it makes you feel? What does he think about that?
I hear you about it being painful for him to walk, but that aside (if that's not a very stupid thing to say) the existing garden office seems like the obvious fix. Can he have a sofa/daybed in there for naps? How far is it from a loo? Can he keep his meds in there?
Can his pain be managed/lessened at all, so all this becomes less hard and more achievable?

Sorry to hear that, in this case I think he is being unreasonable. It's just a really tough situation for both of you. But you must be able to find a way to adjust in the house. Even possibly a house move to keep your family together so you all have some more space.

Can you use the office then? Get a tv and sofa in there for a bit of respite at least?

I realise you’re trying to help but we really don’t. One of our children is two. What use is therapy going to be for her? And to be totally honest I’m not sure there’s anything more helpful to say than ‘this is really shit!’ I’ve had to adjust my working hours too so there’s a financial impact and therapy for four people individually and collectively is going to be ruinously expensive!

@AlwaysExtraHot thank you. I don’t feel I can further isolate him at this point and also having him hobbling up the garden (at the risk of sounding pompous here the garden is big and sprawling) multiple times a day isn’t fair.

Sounds really difficult. I used to hate it when my ex worked from home a lot.

Could you get a smooth path built and a toilet installed in the garden office?

Yes I think people are getting that, but that is depression, its normal in his circumstances and when you're depressed you have to have some time and insight before you can address that. In the meantime he is doing what he feels is emotionally safe, the work and withdrawing so he can focus on that

People are making practical suggestions to focus on that, because that is more in your control, his depression is not in your control. He clearly needs time, depression shows itself differently in different people but his symptoms are very common.

By changing your environment so that you are at least experiencing some emotional safety and contentment yourself, your reslience will be better, better for you and better for him.

I hear you OP. The man has recently developed a significant disability. You are all trying to come to terms with the adjustment to family life this brings. Your DH's inability or unwillingness to engage with the family and block you all out by focusing solely on work is alienating you and you don't know what to do.

I don't have any answers but I would get professionals involved at this stage. As others mentioned, GP, OT, whatever is out there, get them in to speak with both of you. Often when the reality of a situation is pointed out by someone not emotionally involved it has impact. Hopefully it will in your case. This can't go on, or you will pack your bags and leave him to it.

Another thing strikes me. Is there a specific reason he is not physically in the office? For his (and your) mental stability going back in might help everyone. I realise that it might take time for the company to make reasonable adjustments, but unless there is something else preventing him from actually getting to work, I think this should be explored. He could work from home one or two days a week or whatever. A motability car with suitable adaptations might be available together with PIP and so on.

Wishing you the very best. This will break you if you don't take control of it.

It would actually be really helpful if people could stop suggesting the garden; I hate sounding thread policey but it’s not just the fact he can’t walk it’s the fact it further isolates him from me. Insisting a man in enormous amounts of pain works somewhere uncomfortable because I find his presence an irritation isn’t going to go down well!

We have gone from one life to another and need to adjust.

Its pathologising normal reaction though? Its normal to be depressed in this circumstance, newly changed physical mobility, Im not surprised

Perhaps in a years time if he is still the same. In any case someone this depressed probably needs meds to get them to a point where they can engage in therapy.

Therapy cant help 'shit life syndrome' which is what OP is essentially desribing here.

OP I completely get that this is hard for you too but it is a million times worse for him.

I’m sure he’d give anything to be able to just go into the office again.

You just need to make adaptations and find solutions to the problems, like using the bedrooms or garden office as the playroom/lounge and give him chance to adjust.

His job is the only bit of normality and control he has right now.

I really feel for you but you need to put those feelings aside because whatever you’re feeling is nothing compared to what he’s feeling.

I am not yet getting a sense of what he thinks about everything. Does he communicate? How does he feel about the current set up? Is he ever able to have a proper conversation with you about this new life, when he is not working?

It’s not all about him. What does he think the solution (s) are to this? Or is he declining to give it any head space? He needs to stop opting out and engage, if not l would just do business as usual and ignore him

My husband tried this shit the other week. In the end l just ignored him and just got on with things. If you saw a cross looking woman in a pink striped dress making lunch in the back of a Teams call it was me. He’d “kindly” positioned himself so none of us could access the fridge, sink or oven without appearing on camera. Then for an encore located himself in the middle of the sofa, after lunch 2 toddlers inserted themselves next to him and in his next meeting. He actually has his own office but “didn’t feel like using it”

@chocoluv i do get that but then does that mean I’m kind of destined to shut up and fo not admit it’s all been really awful for me as well? (I know that’s NOT what you’re saying!) I guess what I mean is I need to have somewhere safe for me to vent too.

He’s asleep or working @SleepMaskDark so no not at the moment.

It’s the withdrawal from the children which is hardest.

that's why you need a carers assessment, and an assessment for him too if he will accept it.

Hi op this sounds awful for you. Why can’t he interact with you or his kids if it’s his legs not working. As for the lounge can you ask him to stop at tea time spend time as a family as work isn’t a priority. It’s a big adjustment for you all I get why you feel this way your life has changed drastically you are entitled to feel as you do without being judged you are not a machine. You cannot switch off the way you feel especially feeling invisible and a lone parent.

no it is not "pathologising normal reaction" Its two things. Its helping the disabled person to make better choices if they will accept it. Its also, as I have said a RIGHT of the OP to have a carers assessment to help her to sort out her needs.
Do you think what the British legion and the NHS do for disabled soldiers is "pathologising normal reaction?
I pr4omised myself I wouldn't get cross but I despair sometimes.

yes but there can be help for you both to adjust. You haven't answered my question about if you have been offered a carer's assessment, Occupational Therapy or rehab?

You need suppprt OP - his disability is a big adjustment for everyone. Might be worth having a chat with your GP to see if they can signpost you and support you. Also are there any local groups or online forums you can join about his disability? Another possibility is to see if a carer or respite is possible from social services to take the burden off you. Don’t feel bad about yourself OP - people react in all sorts of ways to these family changes, and your feelings need space to express themselves and find support 💖

Could you convert the garden room into a lounge for you and the children? Put a sofa , TV , toys, mini fridge and tea and coffee facilities in there?