DH working from home ALL the time; feeling absolutely drained by him

[Gotitthanks]

That sounds horrible but hear me out. DH is disabled. It’s fairly recent and we’re all still adjusting I dare say.

Work has adjusted to him working from home permanently. Because of his disability he has to sit in a specially adapted chair. There’s no room for it in any of the bedrooms upstairs so he’s in the lounge.

Since he’s sleeping badly at night he is working when he can. He was working until 8 o clock last night. We have young children and I am sick to death of having a husband who is there in all but name.

I know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL without sounding an arse but truth is I’m sick of the sight of him!

Of course there are single mothers have a good income coming in. Very few of them have that from maintenance/life insurance.

They have it from working full time themselves. The overwhelming majority of single mothers do not get generous maintenance. They get a pittance or nothing.

I don't want you to become a single mother or poor. I just want you to have a realistic approach to your current situation.

If you try focusing on the good it might help you. The good is that your husband, despite being disabled and in significant pain, is still working and being the main breadwinner. Ok, he works from home now which you find challenging. He probably does too. But it is better than him not working at all, financially for your family and psychologically for him.
So look at the good and the real.

When I got very unwell and immobile for some time, I kept working. It made me feel human still when everything else was all over the place, and I felt useful to my family. I also worked from home. I found ways to be grateful - I had a job that I could do from home. My kids are healthy. I had good friends. I was 30 years old - and instead of focusing on how unfair it all was I managed to be positive.

You need to do the same. So instead of calling yourself a single parent when you aren't, be grateful that you aren't. Instead of feeling annoyed that it impacts you as well as him (and yes of course it does, but nowhere near as much) try having some gratitude that it isn't you actually going through the disability because believe me, that would be harder. Because at the end of the day, a big thing about disability is the removal of choice. You may choose to stay with your husband in which case yes, his disability will impact you fairly significantly. But if you wanted to, tomorrow you could walk away from his disability altogether. He can't.

Focus on the good and you might cope better. I'm sounding harsh I know but trust me. It's good advice. It was given to me and I took it. And then when the medication started working I was incredibly grateful and lucky but I was also in a mindset of positivity so the regular hospital visits, the giving up the sport I had loved for years and could never play again, the understanding that there would be certain things I would have to do a bit differently than planned with my children, places I will never visit because I can't have the vaccines etc - I could cope with.

Lots of people will "poor you" the situation but that isn't advice that will give you the strength to actually deal with it. I'm telling you, from experience, that the best thing you can do is to find the good. Yes moan to your friends a bit because its hard. But be realistic. Always end a moan with "but at least we....."

Stop claiming things that haven't happened to you, because it isn't true and it isnt good for your mental state. You need to be tough to get through this. I saw you said you won't be having a breakdown. Good. That is exactly the sort of talk that WILL get you through this. More of that will get you through.

I wish you all the best. Genuinely.

But the fact is that some do @IcedCoffee26 and it won’t stop them being a single mother. DHs condition is terminal. Therefore I will be a lone parent in the future. Quite when we do not know. I will be in receipt of a rather large payout, due to life insurance, pensions and an additional policy through DHs work. Does that somehow mean I won’t be a lone parent? It doesn’t, does it? I realise you’re in a difficult position and I have nothing but compassion for that but I think it is tasteless in the extreme to make the distinction between lone parent and not lone parent monetary. It isn’t.

The situation isn’t a ‘poor you’ one and that comment is both crass and cruel. Despite your repeated insistence otherwise, what you want is for me to concede your position is worse. Perhaps it is. I’m not in your position so I cannot know. I do know mine is difficult, things have deteriorated and changed rapidly and we need time to adjust mentally but also to make arrangements and to sort things out.

One thing I do notice on these threads and this is not aimed at anybody but there’s an assumption that disabled people are in receipt of all sorts of grants and benefits and this isn’t the case. DH has crutches and a wheelchair and that’s it. He will almost certainly get PIP but while that is helpful it isn’t a fortune.

It’s largely about trying to carry everyone and I am actually not doing a bad job. DH is slowly talking more and we shall come through this, for however long we have left together.

I have missed the part where you mentioned earlier that his condition is terminal. So I am very sorry to hear that, and in that case you will become a lone parent at some point in the future, albeit with the payout you mentioned but I'm sure you would rather not have that and have your husband still here. I'm very sorry for that for you and it changes my opinion significantly.

I am NOT trying to suggest that my situation is worse than yours. You have misunderstood. I was trying to get you to see that your situation wasn't all bad. But if your husband is dying this is a very different scenario and so you will have to start getting ready for being a single parent and it will be difficult because you still be parenting and dealing with grief and managing your children's grief.

I think the best thing you can do is get therapy now to mentally prepare for when that day comes and to help support you through this interim period. For you and for the children. It will help give you practical coping tools which will be invaluable and will give you a healthy space to vent also.

I'm sorry for your situation.

It doesn’t matter. The point to the thread isn’t DHs condition. It doesn’t matter if all was wrong with him was a cold and he was stubbornly refusing to do anything. It doesn’t matter if he had walked out on me casually throwing me a million as he did so or if he was in prison and I was scraping by miserably and living in poverty. I ended up feeling I had to disclose that (I’d actually have preferred not to, it’s hard for me to talk about it) because of your repeated insistence it is not possible to parent solo if one has money.

Perhaps a support thread for somebody struggling and reeling from very recent news and a huge life change is not the right one to try to get someone see their situation is not ‘all bad’? It isn’t about how bad it is, it’s about seeking some kindness and understanding. If you can’t do that and to be rather direct you have not shown one bit of evidence you can, this is not the thread for you. I didn’t post in AIBU. I posted in relationships. I did that for a reason.

I am someone who is an actual single parent and has money.

The difference is, the money isn't earned by someone else.

At no point did I say you are not a single parent if you have money. I said that if someone else who lives with you and is the father of your children is bringing a full time income into the household - you aren't a single parent. My point was in fact the opposite of what you suggested, my point was to remind you that your husband is still there, disabled, but still there and still making significant contributions to the family despite as you have stated being in horrendous pain and on massive amounts of medication for said pain. You aren't a single parent until you are separated. You aren't. He still exists. And he is still making a contribution, and he is still your husband.

The horrible reality is that when you get that life insurance payment, you will be a single parent and I am so sorry that you will. While you aren't, which is now, try and appreciate the time you have left together and the contribution he is still making despite being terminally unwell. You will feel better for it, and so will he.

I think you would have gotten different answers if you had made it clear in your OP what you were looking for. Many of us saw your main problem as being your dh occupying your lounge while working from home and also having checked out from family life. So people wanted to try to find a solution while all you wanted was support. I'm sorry for that and I wish you all well.x

@TheBlueKoala

I did.

@IcedCoffee26

So when someone is a single parent with maintenance or gets a widows allowance or a substantial sum (enough to live off) in life insurance they aren’t a single parent? Just give it a rest now. I don’t normally say this but stop digging. It’s getting embarrassing. You’ve been splitting hairs and poking and needling since the start of the thread and it’s helping no one.

Yes thats what I thought it was about so I offered genuine advice to try to find solutions for that. I stepped away as Im not sure what sort of support OP wants. Hopefully things will improve in time.

I’m actually going to ask MN to please remove this thread.

On top of what I’m dealing with at home, which is considerable (and I know, not as bad as some I am sure ) I am now dreading clicking threads I’m on as it’s just an endless round of posters announcing their departure from the thread as if they are at Gatwick Airport, but perhaps the hotel California would be a better comparison as they never leave. I’ve also got constant constant wails of posters who just don’t understaaaaand why I posted, and while part of me thinks their poor comprehension is not my problem they have conspired together to make it so. The hairsplitting over what makes a single parent, the critiques of me ‘you are snappy, you are not following helpful advice, clearly you posted seeking advice on a disability but did not disclose what this disability was and I can’t understand why a woman with small children and a husband who is incapacitated through no fault of his own might seek support here, on relationships. Just unfathomable apparently. So rude. I am so offended! I’m out! I’m done! No, I’m really out! I’m really done.’

I said a few pages ago how tedious it was and it really is, and it’s meant the thread is not helpful. I have screenshotted the helpful posts and thank you. Some of you really were helpful and got it and I am so so grateful.

Good luck, OP. You are in an horrendous situation and trying to 'be there' for your kids and your DH whilst simultaneously dealing with this bombshell diagnosis.
You really don't need all this hairsplitting nonsense and arguing from some posters.
I'm glad you found some of it helpful and supportive.
💐

Have you contacted your local council and requested a social worker come to the house and also an Occupational Therapist to discuss options….a grant for structural changes to the house, support for you as his main carer etc etc. good luck x

Wishing you all the best @Gotitthanks

You are so strong keeping it all together for your family whilst dealing with some pretty serious issues. Look after yourself as well as everyone else 💐

OP I’m really sorry you feel like this. I stepped back from addressing you directly a while ago, because I’m one of the posters who took it that you were looking for advice and tried to contribute from that angle.

I think what you may not have understood when posting is that there are professionals and ex professionals with relevant skills and experience who come to these threads to try to help. When you’ve dealt professionally with such difficult situations as your own on a daily basis, it’s natural to want to impart that experience to try to make things better.

And forgive me but, l think the reason so many people have left the thread is that you didn’t make it clear from the start that you were not looking for solutions, and you spent a good portion of the thread batting away advice offered, often in quite a rude and combative way. Posters were asking for more information to be able to give more informed advice but you treated them as though they were quizzing you for their own interest.

Over the course of the thread you ended up answering those questions - in one post you disclosed information for the first time while angrily rebuking a poster for not understanding the situation. Another very relevant fact was that the chair which was the subject of so much discussion is not just an office chair - it’s actually the only piece of furniture your DH can sit in without pain. Which changes things considerably because it’s a huge piece of furniture, the source of much consternation in the household, but is vital for your DH’s comfort, so in actual fact it doesn’t matter whether he’s working or not - he would still be using that chair.

As a few of us suspected, your DH’s diagnosis was indeed a very recently diagnosed and serious condition, but right at the end of the thread we find that it’s the worst health news anyone can get and is terminal.

I can completely understand the need to vent but had you disclosed the whole situation at the start and made it clearer, earlier that all you wanted was moral support it may have been a different thread, and much more supportive.

I’m so sorry you are in this situation, it’s very early days and both of you have to come to terms with a future in which there are going to be difficult times and difficult decisions to be made.

One of the things l took away from the thread was the post in which you said you were ‘muddling through’. It really doesn’t have to be like that OP. There is support out there and when you get the medical information you’re waiting for and things become clearer, you need to make sure that you access everything you can to support you, your DH and your family - including therapy if you think it would help. You mentioned upthread that you couldn’t afford it, but there are various forms of therapy available via different private providers contracted to the NHS. You can self refer or your GP can make a referral. There is a lot of entirely understandable anger patent throughout your posts, as well as grief for the loss of the life you had, and anticipatory grief for what is still to come. l would imagine your DH has similar as well as a rollercoaster of different emotions. and therapy could offer some support and a properly guided environment in which to vent without fear of criticism.

There isn’t anything anyone can say to make things better for you, so l won’t say anything more than to wish you all well and hope that you can find the comfort and strength you need to face the future.💐

With two wages coming into the household, it’s unlikely they would qualify for a disabled facilities grant. It’s severely means tested unless the claim is for a child, or they are on means tested benefits.

There are some really horrible passive-aggressive posters on this thread.

I'm so sorry, OP - this all sounds terrible for all of you. If ever anyone was entitled to vent about her situation, you are.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be really awful and traumatic. I wonder if some of the irritation with husband wfh in the main living space is also stemming from the fact it's a constant reminder of the trauma and changes happening. I can imagine in this situation with two small children, you aren't getting any respite, moments of relief where you're not confronted with it?

I hope you have managed to get some support from this thread. I think a lot of people give answers and expect action in response rather than understanding that you probably just need to vent as it's going to take a long time to adjust to your new situation.

@ThreadGuardDog will you please leave it? My OP says I know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL

I don’t ask anything about adapting the home, or benefits or anything like that. It’s relationships. I’ve actually been in tears more than once by you on this thread. And I don’t like admitting a weakness because I think I’ve got a sense of what you do now; you come back with a ‘lovely, helpful’ response in which you criticise me heavily but do so in such flowery language and so so sweetly you can then claim you’re only being nice. I see you. Stop it.

Thanks @CordeliaNaismithVorkosigan

I was irritated with DH, last Tuesday when I started the thread. Yesterday was awful; we had a celebration and I just wanted to cry as it’s likely the last one, and then I’m on here and I have to deal with horrible responses from people adamant that I didn’t make my aims, objectives and outcomes clear from the start and that therefore excuses being horrible!

@Gotitthanks I’ve only just seen this thread as it’s about to be zapped. Started reading all of it - then just read your posts. You write brilliantly. You express yourself brilliantly, and so clearly. The frustrations. There being, actually, no solutions because there just are none right now - it’s a ‘keep buggering on’ fucking awful unfair situation - and no garden office is going to change it.

Write a book about it one day? Long into the future. It might help others who find themselves where you are.

Christ that would be a depressing book 😂 I’m not sure anyone would want to read THAT! Mind you my favourite books as a teenager were set in a hospice for seriously ill teenagers so who knows!

Not necessarily depressing. In parts, of course it would be. But anger and honesty plus the grief and all other mixed feelings written well, would chime with so many others whether or not they share your circumstances. Your thread has evolved - of course it has. There are posters who would prefer you to have crystallised your feelings and all the facts neatly into a succinct post from the start. Thank god yours was not one of those AI generated summaries - rather, it was you in the raw as the whole thread has been.

This was a lovely response and I could have written it myself (less eloquently). I am sorry the OP didn't read it like the caring message that it was intended to be (I def do!).

I think the OP has too much stress and grief in her life so that even kind wellmeaning messages don't get interpreted as such. I was in "try to find a solution" mode just like you and many others. The OP didn't want that and it left many feeling confused. I just hope that @Gotitthanks don't leave feeling like noone cares. Many of us do- we just didn't understood the kind of caring you needed so sorry about that. You are living a nightmare so it's understandable if you can come across as snappy as someone said. It doesn't matter. I just hope you and your family can find a way forward in these tragic circumstances. X

@ThreadGuardDog OP posted on the relationships branch, not the health or disability branches.

I've spent a forty year career in special education. I don't go to the SEN branch, because I know I'll end up trying to fix what is probably unfixable. And I know that many people posting there are just looking for emotional support, because of what they're going through, and my input would probably just be irritating..

When people are going through hell, they don't really come to a forum like Mumsnet to be fixed. They just need to vent, and should be allowed to do so.

Wrt to the book. Someone did publish one called ‘the reluctant carer’ about moving back home as an adult caring for elderly parents. Brilliant book. So sad and frustrating but y’know OP if you did sort the garden office then you could get your writing groove on! 😜