DH working from home ALL the time; feeling absolutely drained by him

[Gotitthanks]

That sounds horrible but hear me out. DH is disabled. It’s fairly recent and we’re all still adjusting I dare say.

Work has adjusted to him working from home permanently. Because of his disability he has to sit in a specially adapted chair. There’s no room for it in any of the bedrooms upstairs so he’s in the lounge.

Since he’s sleeping badly at night he is working when he can. He was working until 8 o clock last night. We have young children and I am sick to death of having a husband who is there in all but name.

I know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL without sounding an arse but truth is I’m sick of the sight of him!

I would tell him.

"John, I know you are doing your absolute best and I am so proud of the way you have managed all this. Lots of people in your position would have given up and it's amazing that you have found a way to keep earning, I really appreciate it.

However, there is an issue for the kids and me. First, the kids don't properly understand why you have to ignore them when you are working in the living room, they are only little and they don't get why Daddy is there, but not there. And it's also really affecting the way we can use the space in the evenings.

Can we try to think of some ways that would allow you to get all your hours done flexibly, and me and the kids to be able to use the communal spaces after school and in the holidays?"

I would imagine that even buying a room divider and having him physically screened might help the children feel less ignored in the short term?

Would this help in any way?
www.disabilityrightsuk.org/resources/access-work?srsltid=AfmBOorYaEnMpmi0Xt0rVJwmCg1UqLV9J4Dxz8BHJuu-PlB-mjaA1qkG

How is he getting up and down the stairs to go to bed?

he’d have to be amenable to any changes and he wouldn’t be

And that is not fair on you or your children. His life has changed in a catastrophic way but he is not going to improve it by depriving you and your (plural) children of the enjoyment of your home.

Is this something he may recover from or is it long term disability?

You have my full sympathies. ExDP worked in the living room. If I sat on the sofa, I felt like I was encroaching on his workspace and I had to be quiet. I also felt I couldn’t invite friends over.

That sounds very hard. My apologies if I've missed this, but have you spoken to him about the issues? What is he like when it's not a work day?

Agree. Sounds very much like a coping mechanism. I don’t think it’s intentionally selfish - OP says this is a recent thing so he needs time to adjust. I do think they need professional input - OT assessment and counselling. Surprised this hasn’t already been offered.

I don’t think this is necessarily a change in personality. It’s more likely to be as a result of a major life change. Takes time to adjust.

There are obviously a lot of issues here but one thing that might help is turning his garden office into a playroom.

Then I’d get a cheap second hand TV and have your bedroom as the lounge.

In the evenings you can watch tv in bed, whilst the DCs play in their rooms or join in.

Does he not get disability benefits?

I’m all for him staying working as I think it’s good for your MH but if he did less hours then he’d be able to do it during the day whilst you were at work.

OP you haven't answered whether your husband has had any Occupational Therapy or Community Rehab help? You have both got some adjustments to make and they aren't all practical ones. You are entitled to what is called a Carer's Assessment to make sure that your needs and the needs of your children are being met? I am thinking that his employer supplied the chair? This is excellent as far as it goes but their POV and expertise will only go so far. accessing OT or rehab will come via different channels depending where you are. Is he still in contacy with the hospital who treated him.
Its possible (speaking from professional experience) that your husband will say he doesn't need any more help or assessment. The answer to that he may belive that he doesn't need it, however YOU do need it!

Similar situation but my hubby had a physical job and had to retired on health grounds. Same issue, can no longer walk without crutches and has a wheelchair for if we go out.

I didnt have the issue of him working from home so not similar in that way but I can tell you that it took him nearly 2 years to come to terms with how he now was and he had terrible anger issues.

I can fully understand how you are fed up and it changes the life for the whole family not just the person.
But, if he is anything like my husband was he will be feeling a lot of guilt and anger inside. He has had his identity taken away to a degree and the caveman in him will probably be feeling that he is no longer able to do the manly thing and support/look after his family. My husband turned into someone who's whole day was spent watching the tv, no conversation, no making plans, no interest in anything but the tv and he used it as a means of escaping having to consider how things were going to be going forward. Perhaps your husband is tuning out of everything but work for the same reason.
Im not making excuses for him but he is seeing the rest of the family being able to carry on as before whilst he cant.

It took a good couple of years before he began to feel comfortable with his situation and now looks back and wonders how he could ever have been so difficult to live with.

If there is no way of making him a working space other than using the lounge then you need to have a straight conversation with him about the hours he works. He needs to accept that he must have a start and finish time and be a family man when not working. Its still difficult for you but at least you would know when clocking off time was and find a way to work round his hours.

Life wont be the same, I miss being able to be spontaneous and go out together without having to work round getting the wheelchair out and disrupting the medication routine. I miss walking hand in hand and so much more but its life as we know it now.

Something like this affects the whole family but he not only has the physical symptoms but he will also have a lot going on mentally which he may not be able to let go of yet.

it may have been and he refused, its often the case.

This and beautifully put. It may also help, if he can accept it, that his family still need him.

Does he have a wheelchair and can he wheel into a garden office?

How are your bedrooms made up, I would get 2 of the kids to share and then free up a bedroom to be an office.

Could he go down to part time hours to enable a 6pm clock off?

Your current set isn’t a long term arrangement. It can’t work well further anyone, you, the dcs and him working.
If Thetes no other place in the house where he can work, then I’d seriously consider moving.

Then you need a discussion around work. It’s great that work has agreed for him to wfh and flexible hours.
But he has put work first with little thought about his family. And it shows. From the fa t he isn’t available for his family to him tuning everyone out.
Adjusting to his disability means he might need to review how much he is work or when. But he can’t just step out of family life whilst expecting you to shoulder everything WIHOUT a Discussion about it WITH YOU.

Saying that as someone with a disability (and can’t work etc….), adjusting to a new normal is hard for everyone. Him, you, the dcs too.
And it can make people selfish in some ways. When pain, managing symptoms etc… is at the forefront of your mind all the time, it’s very easy to forget the things that ‘just happen’ (aka your partner does then)
In some ways, I suspect he has thrown himself into work as a way to ‘ignore’ his limitations. A ‘Look!! I can still work like before. Nothing has changed, everything is ok’. He’ll have to move past that

I don't actually understand the big problem. I'm sorry to hear about your husband's difficulties. My partner and I both work from home mostly. It's just a part of life in my house. I feel grateful to have money (well enough money so that we can feed ourselves etc).

If his mobility is so bad how does he get to bed at night, do you have a stairlift or is the bedroom downstairs? Is he getting physio for his walking?

As someone else suggested you need to have a talk. Working odd hours isn't good for the household which consists of more than him. I'm assuming this is to allow him to rest? If he's not capable of office hours is he not on a phased return?

It's great that he's back at work but it sounds almost as if he returned too early.

Do you have children?

In that case, maybe read the OP???

The issue is that wfh means working in the living room which is a nightmare with YOUNG CHILDREN
It’s Akso a nightmare if you are a SAHM and have to constantly be careful about not making noise etc…. You’re living in his office, not your home.
And that’s wo the fact he often works until 8.00pm. Imagine doing homework, reading, snacks, meal and bedtime with 2 children but wo making noise etc….

Quite different from the two of you wfh with normal hours

Yes.

Just because he's become disabled doesn't mean you just have to accept what he wants to do as law. If it's not working for you as a family, between you you'll have to come up with alternative solutions.

I would do exactly that. The garden needs relandscaping so that he can move easily around it, I carry my meds with me in my lunch bag because I take them every 2 hours and you can easily get camping toilets which are the same height as a normal toilet, cassette toilets, they're great.

Put a reclining armchair as well in the office space and he can lie down when needed.

If is recent get access to family therapy to talk.
Strategise.
Does he get /will get PIP to pay a cleaner or other help with dc?

well bin him off then. You are in a difficult position, but what is the alternative? he lounges around all day while claiming benefits?

You all need time to adjust, and set some boundaries. And you need to do this in a calm and thoughtful manner so that you all feel heard.