DH told a lot of people I was SA and I had no idea (TW)

[Anon8761]

Hi all this is just following on from this thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5554153-dh-friends-want-to-discuss-me-i-want-to-be-there-aibu-tw?page=1

Thank you for your support there 💐

I don't know if I'm supposed to summarize the above thread? If so I will try. Sorry.

I don't know if my marriage can actually recover from this and it's confusing as DH is very sorry, right now but won't attend therapy and won't give me a decent apology. Instead he's said he'd cook us steak tonight and I want to throw his stupid pack of steak in his face! Steak isn't going to solve this is it?

I'm in this anger stage.
Past the shock.
Just furious.
Until I panic and think maybe I'm overreacting
Because maybe he did mean well and maybe I should be greatful for him 'protecting me'.... then I swing back to anger.

Can I ask, genuinely, if you were me, would this be marriage ending?

Yes, it would end my marriage. I’ve read your other thread. He’s violated too, just in another way.

Yes it would. You are supposed to be able to trust a spouse not to share your innermost thoughts with their entire friendship circle. What happened to you was not a point for salacious gossip with his mates.

I’ve followed your initial thread, and want you to know how inspiring you are. You might not feel it but you have shown such strength and courage.
The question you need to ask is can you forgive him? And can you trust him? For me, the answer would be no to both of those questions. And I want want to smack him round the chops with his bloody steak…. I would actually ask him if he really thinks cooking a steak is going to make this better. And I would think about getting legal advice.

@Anon8761 you are a very strong woman. And I applaud the way you've confronted those men. I hope you find a way to continue confronting your husband who seems to be (deliberately?) ignoring the pain he has caused you. And no, a steak (or even a foreign holiday) isn't going to heal the hurt he's inflicted, either intentionally or out of a misplaced sense of honouring you.

You're going to need time to process what's happened and how repairable (or not) this rupture in your relationship is. Mostly it will depend on how your husband continues to respond to your anger and how he changes the relationship he has with his misogynistic friends. But don't make him be a mind reader. Let him know why you're continuing to be upset and why you're not just being a drama queen. And if he's uncomfortable with that, tough shit. Keep offering to go to couples' counselling with him. And keep being angry until there is either a favourable resolution that you can believe in and feel will be sustained honestly or you feel you've come to the end of the road. But don't feel that you have to be making these decisions immediately in the heat of the hurt you've endured. I wish you well. And thank you for making this thread so we can help support you through this, whatever you decide.

I think the telling of so many other people would be incredibly hard to get past, I don't think his reasoning for doing it weighs up adequately against what he must have realised was a huge betrayal of your right to keep your story confidential. It definitely makes me suspicious he's done it to look like some kind of hero.

But what I think is even worse is his response to your extremely valid distress seems to have been to dismiss you and your value and try to undermine you. It seems like the curtain has dropped and you're seeing someone who was able to appear to be kind and supportive but who all along has enjoyed feeling superior and in charge because of ways you are vulnerable and who doesn't respect you as an equal partner with an equal say in the future of your marriage. He thinks he can just tell you it's all fine and you have no option but to go along with that.

The fact that he doesn't seem to understand the magnitude of what he has done says a lot about him

I was drugged at a party and raped at 19. There are two people who I've told about this, one a therapist and one my husband. I name-changed for this post.

If I ever found out that my DH had told anyone, it would be the end for me. Another violation, a betrayal and opening the door to retraumatization like you experienced.

He's also minimising it, turning it around to hurt you and make you shut the eff up by calling you a mental. He doesn't even think what he's done is that bad. If he'd shown some kind of remorse, maybe there would be a way back (although I have my doubts if it was me) but it's not even the case.

Also, I have serious questions about him if this is his inner circle. I mean, everyone can make a mistake about a person, but the whole lot of them's first reaction was to try to close ranks and paper over the rift.

I wouldn't be able to forgive him. Or trust him again.
Using a horrible and traumatic event that you suffered as something to discuss with all and sundry (seemingly). Without your knowledge. And then minimising your feelings when you discover this. He hasn't a clue, has he. I feel very sorry for you, OP. I hope you have some good support from your friends. Sorry your DH is such a totally stupid insensitive arsehole. 💐

I'd bet quite a lot of money that any solicitor you consulted would tell you that this one instance of gob syndrome is so undermining of the marriage, so far reaching and damaging that it is all by itself grounds for divorce under the unreasonable behaviour heading. In my view, it amounts to treachery.

I know where I'd be putting that steak and it isn't on a plate with a few chips and some salad.

In a nutshell.

I'm sorry, OP.

Yes, this would be the end for me, especially because he has refused therapy. He has destroyed the trust in your marriage and doesn't even seem to understand the problem.

I could forgive if he was willing to talk it through in counselling. The fact that he’s not seems odd to me.

None of what you have been through is his information to share

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. And, yes, if DH did the same to me it would be the end

I think given his mother knows everything.

I'd just call and explain in FULL what has happened and ask for her support / help.

be clear that he wont apologise that he wont consider couples therapy and doesmt se.to get the enormity of it....
that v understandably you need space and he wont give it so youd appreciate her help in

A. Encouraging him to give you space / sodding off to stay with her for a bit

B. For her to help him understand why what he has done is so cataclysmically awful because he doesnt get it and you cant keep explaining it.

I think it’s an unforgivable betrayal of trust. My wife was raped when she was 20 and we’ve been together 11 years, I have never told a soul and never would. He had no reason what so ever to tell his group of friends.

It would be marriage ending for me.

How can you trust him again when he's broken your trust completely unnecessarily? It's not about forgiving him and it's not even if or whether he thought he was doing the right thing (although how anyone can think he did would boggle my mind), the fact is it wasn't his story to share.

It's your life, your trauma, and it's your choice who knows and why. He took that from you and violated every ounce of trust you had in him.

I'm so sorry, but I don't see how any marriage could recover from this.

I read your other thread but didn't comment as only caught it late.

It's a huge betrayal of trust to have told so many people of your deeply personal trauma. I don't think his boss needed to know; have you ever needed him to come home from work? And all the other people that you know and have contact with should only have known if you wanted them too. As for his creepy friend - I know this was explored on the last thread but what a creep.

Only you know if this is something you can recover from and I would hazard a guess that it's too early to tell. It's very 'live' right now and you need time to process. I would take a stand to let 'D'H know that you are serious, he sleeps on the sofa or something, massive no to his steak plan and layout how how hurt and betrayed you are. He may reconsider couples counselling. Take time to figure it out rather than make a choice in anger.

Yes it would be marriage ending for me. He's broken your confidence and your trust.

I’ve just read your previous post in utter shock. How bloody dare your husband do that to you. He has completely destroyed your trust in him with his actions and should be hanging his head in shame whilst packing his bags to get the hell out of your life forever. Personally I wouldn’t want to ever see or hear from him again. He is absolutely abhorrent.

How dare he!

This would be the end of the relationship for me. I'd wonder what else he's been advertising and I'd never trust him with anything ever again. If a relationship has no trust then there's no relationship.

He's like one of those trauma leeches who uses someone else's trauma for sympathy and comfort from others. Eurgh.

He thinks he gets to declare that there's no issue, you're fine and you don't need couples counseling?! Has he always treated you like a blow-up doll without an independent mind? I'm raging on your behalf.

Won't get or even consider counselling when there's clearly a big problem (and there is, from your perspective ieven f not from his) - dealbreaker, in my opinion and experience.

I would have a very, very hard time forgiving my husband for telling ANYONE about my SA/rape without my knowledge and permission. If he didn't know that was taboo, WHY didn't he know? Or ask? He does not seem to care about your trauma except as it impacts him and he seems to think that his reaction to it is more important and more legitimate than yours. I might be able to accept that he needed support and somehow could not get any professional support or anonymised support, but why tell so many people? And he lied about what he did, repeatedly. And is still lying to you repeatedly, based on your posts on the other thread.

Your husband's friends are pretty vile and definitely misogynists - remember, the reason he originally told the large group was because they were making horrible comments about sexual assault and you were upstairs and he was afraid you would hear, and telling them the whole story was the ONLY way to get them to stop. This was AT YOUR HOUSE - "shut up about this or leave" was the obvious solution if an appeal to decency, humanity, and the idea that women are human didn't work. WHY is your husband still friends with these arseholes - and why is their friendship apparently more important now than your well being or his relationship with you?

I actually think the way he's been treating you since this incident with B happened is even worse than the awful way he acted before. He is making this completely about him and his friends, and it's simply not. He's also telling you how you should feel about a traumatic experience YOU had and HE has not, and probably cannot even fully imagine. People may balk at the term "mansplaining", but this behaviour is exactly what that term was created to describe.

I may be way off base, but I'd be starting to wonder if he's actually titillated by all of this. Obviously B is, and that's apparently OK and normal and excusable to your husband and his friend group.

Only you know if it's marriage ending. But you're right, steak won't fix this. In my opinion, the only possible way forward is if he gains a TRUE insight into what he's done, which I don't think he currently has. He knows he's betrayed your trust, but doesn't seem to get the level of violation involved. This isn't spilling the beans on a gender reveal, or telling his mates how much you earn. It's much, much deeper and more profound than that. He needs to get that - fully - and be unreservedly apologetic about it. He also needs to bin his rape-fantasist friend forever, and probably the rest of the hideous crew too. If he can't do ALL of that, it would be over for me. And yes, counselling would almost certainly be a non-negotiable too. If he doesn't want to/can't be bothered, then he's not worth your efforts in trying to salvage this shit show. I wish you all the best OP. You are strong and very courageous and deserve all the love and luck in the world.

I commented on your other thread. I think you deserve so much more than him. He’s abused and violated your trust and then gaslit you with your response to it. That would be the end for me.