DH told a lot of people I was SA and I had no idea (TW)

[Anon8761]

Hi all this is just following on from this thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5554153-dh-friends-want-to-discuss-me-i-want-to-be-there-aibu-tw?page=1

Thank you for your support there 💐

I don't know if I'm supposed to summarize the above thread? If so I will try. Sorry.

I don't know if my marriage can actually recover from this and it's confusing as DH is very sorry, right now but won't attend therapy and won't give me a decent apology. Instead he's said he'd cook us steak tonight and I want to throw his stupid pack of steak in his face! Steak isn't going to solve this is it?

I'm in this anger stage.
Past the shock.
Just furious.
Until I panic and think maybe I'm overreacting
Because maybe he did mean well and maybe I should be greatful for him 'protecting me'.... then I swing back to anger.

Can I ask, genuinely, if you were me, would this be marriage ending?

he has already refused counselling because its all fine because he still loves her and did it all for her and they don't need it

I bet you don't even particularly like steak! That's how much this hero, so attuned to your needs that he must tell everyone all about you, notices how you're feeling.

OP - YOU do not need to explain to your husband.
Put your last '' Trending'' thread and this one in front of him and ask/tell him to read every word people have written to you in all the posts.
Because he clearly isn't very bright and is totally insensitive to your trauma and your feelings NOW.

Granted his inability to see how awful his behaviour is I'd be inclined to print this thread off and give it to him to read
.Maybe the huge response would get it through his thick skull.

From what you say, he's not sorry he told people; he's sorry you found out.

Steak for dinner? Does he seriously think this is the sort of minor blip that a nice dinner will fix? The fact that he's not prepared to go to counselling makes it clear that he thinks this issue will blow over.

OP, I could maybe forgive it if he told his friends because they were making horrid comments in your home and he wanted them to stop to protect you. It's the wrong call - they shouldn't need to know that in order to stop - but if it really was a moment of well intentioned misjudgement, I might be able to get past it.

But he's told so many people, that can't be the reason. And when his friend was a fucking creepy weirdo about it, clearly getting off on it, he didn't just tell the perverted bastard go to hell; he got involved in organising a weird kind of summit about it where they can essentially figure out how to keep on doing what they do with you as some kind of fly in the ointment. He hasn't shown remorse, he's said horrible things to you about it, he's not doing anything to make reparations or show real remorse. This is what I don't think I could get past. It shows so much lack of any care.

I am even wondering if he gets off on your attack himself and that's why he tells so many people about it and his nasty friend felt comfortable creeping on you about it.

On its own, if he is a good partner in other ways, I would try to work through this.

But the fact that he’s refused to go to counselling, refused to move out and called you “mental” I think yes that would be marriage ending. Or, at the very least, I’d force a trial separation to give myself some
distance and force him to really consider his actions.

In answer to your question, yes this would be marriage ending for me.

I don’t say that lightly either. I have been with DH for 27 years, we have a wonderful life together and I’d even probably forgive a ONS in time. I’d forgive quite a lot actually to keep my family together and stay with the man I love into old age.

But this, him playing fast and loose with your personal trauma in some wildly weird way that I simply can’t understand? No, that would be unforgivable and I’d be arranging a conversation with a solicitor.

I think this is spot on and exactly what has happened.

Hi op sorry you have been through this trauma. Your marriage needs work and only you can decide to forgive him. I would definitely not trust him again with anything private and unfortunately he doesn’t get what rape does to you and by blabbing about it to whoever he’s told this is not a protection for you. Total bs. The best way to protect you is to keep it private. He doesn’t seem remorseful but again he cannot understand what you have been through men think they understand but they don’t unless they have been through it. As for b he is a psychopath I wouldn’t put it past him to have thought about doing it to someone tbh. The questions he asked you are not curiosity there more it’s like he was testing the waters with you. He wasn’t sorry for bringing it up which makes me think he has a tendency to want to do it or fantasise about it. You dh has left you vulnerable to all his mates definitely get some personal therapy as for couples therapy not sure if that would help you might just need to keep telling him how painful it is for you. It’s not something you will ever get over of forget but now it’s out in the open it’s just opened the wound again.

I’m so so sorry @Anon8761for what you’ve been through in your life and what is happening now.

You have survived so much and deserve love and peace in your life.

Only you can decide if this is relationship ending but I’m struggling to see how this can recover from the betrayal and the way he’s reacted.

Take your time and look after yourself.

Yes, this would be unquestioningly marriage breaking for me. I am so sorry the person you thought was safe and that you could be vulnerable with has done this to you repeatedly and still refuses to acknowledge how awful it is. He has no right to ever take away your choices and your control regarding your prior abuse. He has no right to attempt to brush it under the carpet. His behaviour has been appalling. Also - he has no right to ever say nasty things about you not working outside the home…he has never had to sort childcare and has managed to get ahead in his career because of all you do and this needs to be respected. He has shown repeatedly how little he actually respects you.

You must be reeling. I’m sending every positive thought, and my prayers, for you to have the strength to keep your head up high in all your future dealings with this pathetic excuse of a husband. Don’t ever let him diminish you. What would you want for your daughter to do if she was you in this situation? You deserve the same.

I got rid of a husband who did not respect me. Mine and my children’s home is calm and respectful. Don’t be too scared of going it alone that you choose to put up with what is actually awfulness.

If he genuinely did this to protect & help you then why did he not either discuss it with you before telling anyone or at least tell you after the fact?

And how does telling his friends help? That's not protecting you - if anything it put you in a more vulnerable position when B came up to you and started asking disgusting and triggering questions.

I'd be fuming and would most likely end my marriage; especially when he called you "mental".

I posted on your other thread, but since you've asked a direct question, for me the betrayal of trust itself wouldn't necessarily be marriage-ending, but he would need to accept, genuinely, how massively he'd fucked up and be extremely open to making amends in any way necessary. That would include therapy if you want it, dumping the friends, and talking this through with you in a grown-up way as often and for as long as you need.

What would be marriage-ending for me is how he's reacted to being called out. Not wanting to accept he's betrayed your trust, wanting to prioritise the friends' needs over yours, trying to make out that you're overreacting and unreasonable to the point of calling you "mental" fgs, countering with nastiness about your work history, refusing to engage with you in terms of what happens next, cooking steak and hoping you'll stfu about it soon. For me, all of that signals that this isn't fixable.

I still don’t understand why he felt the need to tell all his mates, his mum, his boss etc It’s almost like he wants people to know so he can play some sort of hero role.
Telling you that you wouldn’t understand because you’ve not held down a job longer than a few months etc is just vile.
He has basically told everyone something that he had no right to blab about to anyone, let alone his entire friendship circle…. I could perhaps forgive him telling his Mother only as in he needed some advise/support.
I wouldn’t be able to forgive his entire behaviour over it, telling everyone something so personal/private and then the minimising of how it must make you feel, how did it even come up in conversation with his mates?!
It’s just awful 😞

I just cant understand why he told everyone. Hes been telling people for years. Why?
Does he get off on it?
Does he want sympathy or attention for it?
Does he want everyone to say how marvelous he is for staying with you?

If it was me id be saying the only way this marriage has a hope in hell is if he explains why on earth he thought it appropriate to make your trauma his story and what he gets out of sharing it.

This with bells on! I couldn't forgive my husband. I couldn't trust him again. Without trust and forgiveness, there's no relationship. You need to seek a divorce OP.

@Anon8761 firstly I am so sorry about what happened to you at 17 and with the awful B and with your husband.

so many thoughts would be going through my head:
who else knows, how often does he talk about this, when you met did he love bomb you? Was he the ‘saviour’.

His friends sound like creeps that care more about their weekly meet ups than your feelings (you are often the company you keep). He was mad at his friend for outing ‘him’ not because his friend upset you.

he has weaponised your trauma and your feelings after this bar incident against you. He has turned this around to call you ‘crazy’ and ‘mental’.

As you now know he talks about your trauma behind your back he has backed himself into a corner and has no way out.

no one on here can tell you what to do, but will you trust him again? Will you constantly be thinking ‘do they know’ when you are in company. Will this make you feel uncomfortable around your MiL or other friends/family.

this is just too much in my opinion. Had his reaction been the absolute opposite of what played out I may be more willing to try to forgive but this is just the most horrific story I’ve heard on MN.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this horrendous experience, that your your Dickead Husband has created.

He has used your trauma for his own advantage, he has lied, deceived you, violated your trust, called you horrible names and deflected any blame from himself. He seems more bothered about the upset to his circle of Friends, rather than what he has and is putting you through.

Yes, it would be marriage ending for me. Sending you support💐

Marriage ending without a doubt.

To me it sounds like he used your horrific trauma to garner sympathy for himself.
To make himself sound wonderful for 'helping' you through a situation so unbearable. He gets all the attention for all your pain. He told his boss in case he needed to leave work early. WTF

I’m not sure if it would be marriage ending for me.
I think he’s nothing more or less than a salacious gossip who has touted what happened to you around in a “you’ll never guess what..” attention seeky way. That’s obviously the bottom of the barometer of maturity and even if you could forgive the betrayal itself, could you see past the maturity level that led to it?
His friend dynamic sounds weird also…

You should be processing this in a supportive environment, your therapist, for example. This is not the place. I would suggest it is too soon to be making any decisions about your marriage. I understand you feel that you are over the shock, but consider perhaps you are not. It is okay for you to take your time and process all of your feelings.

Do you honestly want to make major life decisions based on a poll of anonymous armchair warriors?

Call somebody who truly does have your best interests at heart.

You are being gaslit by his refusal to deal with this.
This is not a good man.
You really need to reach out for support.

This and refusing to even consider couples counselling. He isn’t taking any responsibility. He does not respect you. Sorry. 😔

Is he controlling OP? Mistrustful? Have a problem with you going out, seeing friends and family? Make suggestions about how you dress?