DH told a lot of people I was SA and I had no idea (TW)

[Anon8761]

Hi all this is just following on from this thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5554153-dh-friends-want-to-discuss-me-i-want-to-be-there-aibu-tw?page=1

Thank you for your support there 💐

I don't know if I'm supposed to summarize the above thread? If so I will try. Sorry.

I don't know if my marriage can actually recover from this and it's confusing as DH is very sorry, right now but won't attend therapy and won't give me a decent apology. Instead he's said he'd cook us steak tonight and I want to throw his stupid pack of steak in his face! Steak isn't going to solve this is it?

I'm in this anger stage.
Past the shock.
Just furious.
Until I panic and think maybe I'm overreacting
Because maybe he did mean well and maybe I should be greatful for him 'protecting me'.... then I swing back to anger.

Can I ask, genuinely, if you were me, would this be marriage ending?

Oh come on, you don't have to have an in-depth, professional-level understanding of sexual trauma to know that gossiping about your wife's rape with the lads is just beyond wrong.

The worst bit for me is using your trauma to justify getting out of work
it is so minimising of your trauma. I cannot begin to imagine forgiving that, it is beyond disgusting

B is one of the worst people ive ever heard of. I cannot imagine bringing up someones SA in a public place with alcohol. To then ask the sexual Qns was deplorable.

And i couldnt stomach a man who tolerated his friend being this deliberately intimidating towards you.

I could forgive DH for telling his friend(s) in confidence depending on context of how that happened. I strongly believe once you tell me a secret its also my burden to bear and if need to confide in someone else thats my choice. He picked a bad person to share this with, if he needed to share ir.

For me marriage would hinge on DHs resolve on cutting contact.

There doesnt need to be a discussion. DH needs to just say - my wife was out drinking and he brought up the most vulnerable, violating expereince of her life - and reviled it to her friends. Then whilst she was visibly upset he joked and asked about our intimacy and compared it to an assult she suffered. He deliberately embarrassed and frightened her and I wont tolerate it. If you want to expose him to women you love thats fine, I wont.

If he hesitates or debates he better have somewhere to go. But he massively fucked up, trusting this wanker. And his mistake cost you. For me he has a minimal opportunity at damage control and a fumble and hed be gone.

Yes, it is an unforgivable betrayal of trust. And it put you in an extremely vulnerable position where you were further abused by B. Your husband has exposed you and made you vulnerable, and it's an utter violation.

The fact that he's trying to style it out with steaks and emotional manipulation is just fucking gross. I'm not surprised you're furious. Stay furious and use the energy to get him out of your life.

There is no acceptable excuse for disclosing your horrific ordeal. Also his “friend” is a major red flag. How could he be close friends with such an odious prat? Not to mention his other friends and their conduct,

As previous posters have already mentioned trust is central to any relationship. For me it would be completely shattered and I couldn’t forgive him.

If you had read OP's posts on her other thread, hopefully you wouldn't be saying such ridiculous things.

For example, you took great umbridge at what a previous posters said about OP's husband:

'He has even blabbed to his boss to set up the excuse that his "poor wife" might need him.

How, in good conscience can you present as "fact" - He has spent years perfecting his "white knight" narrative - I mean, what the actual F?'

In her previous post, OP has said this about her husband:

'Unfortunately, I discovered DH has told his boss about the assault and chronic pain conditions so he could get off early should I 'need' him. It was 'for my benefit'. I've no idea what else he's been saying.

When I said I was upset with him in the evening. He said I wouldn't understand because I've only worked for 3 months in my life (because of the assault and difficulties), he said some horrible things. That I'm mental etc.'

Your defense of her husband is misplaced and distasteful, given what OP herself has said about her husband.

Yes you're right in that respect but knowing that gossiping about is wrong is rather different from healing from it. If the OP wants to heal from it, she MIGHT need to seek professional trauma help because it is quite a specific area. I'll give you an example of that, PTSD is a body based trigger (it bypasses the cognitive, it's the senses that kick in) not a cognitive trigger so talking about it either with a husband/friend or untrained in trauma therapist probably isn't going to cut it and could potentially make it worse. In trauma counselling/therapy you would always be taught that safety comes first and you teach clients to regulate themselves safely before you start any trauma integration work and that can be a long process. So yes you are correct she doesn't need a therapist to tell her that this situation is very "off" but she might do better with a trained person to guide her through a healing process. It depends what she wants and that is, as always, up to her.

I am so, so proud of you for confronting them.

but so furious that you had to.

your DH is absolutely shameful. To entertain the idea of a ‘meeting’ about it. Any of his mates I’m sure would not tolerate this happening to their wife, no second chances. B is a weird trauma fetish pervert, there’s no excuses to still want anything to do with him. Shame on them all if they don’t get rid of B and look at your husband through different eyes. You shouldn’t have had to send that message in the first place. He’s meant to protect you.

the things he’s said to you since are beneath contempt, I’m truly disgusted by him for putting you through this.

Clearly you haven't read the first thread, or at least the OPs posts on it. I suggest you do. She knows her DH told his boss to give him an excuse to get away from work early for example

I'm not married, I am a SA survivor.

I read your previous thread.

Yes, it would be marriage ending for me.

I only just forgave a friend who told her husband my history, and that didn't even result in anything, unlike your situation.

It would feel like such a breach of trust & poor judgement if that was me. I don’t see how I could move forward in marriage after it. I feel so sad for you, but you’ve shown such courage. I can’t imagine really that he had your best intentions at the centre of why he told so so many people, and I don’t think his behaviour towards his friend or wider group feel appropriate either - he seems to miss the severity or privacy of this, and respect your wishes fully. Only you can know deep in your heart what you feel about him now, if he still feels like the person you want to spend lifelong partnership with. Listen deep inside to how you feel. You are stronger than all those people in that group. Think long game. No option is easy - leaving, or staying and moving past it. Sending love xx

Well done for listing it out like that. It’s pretty grim reading.

I am so sorry OP. This must be so hard to make sense of.

I do think you would be wise to read or listen to Dr Ramani ‘It’s Not You’ when you feel able to. I think it might ring bells and if I’m right and your husband is a communal narcissist, it’s better you know, than keep living inside this shit Mad Hatters Tea party where he tries to create confusion around something that is actually really clear cut.

Look after yourself really well.

I think your DH has some serious issues. He does not seem to understand what this is about, he is also lacking empathy, maturity and general decency. It seems like him and his friend, at best, use your SA as a titillating subject to discuss, and, at worst, they are actually perving about it and you DH and some of his mates somehow get off on the matter (which would explain weird insinuations from B).

This is a horrendous breach of trust and total lack of understanding and care. Your marriage would stand a chance if it was a one off chat and if he was really remorseful; but, sadly, it doesn't look like this. He is even using your trauma as an excuse for a chance to get extra time off work! FFS

I would leave and reduce contact with this whole cabal as much as possible - sadly, you can't cut him off completely, considering you have children.

I was raped by someone in authority many years ago. I told no one until he died. When I did, it felt cathartic but it was my story to tell, and not a subject for anyone else’s conversation. I hate your husband for having done this to you. Nothing can change what he’s done and without acknowledgment or sincere and real regret, there is not a chance I’d be taking him back. It doesn’t look like he has a clue.

You have worked really hard (and successfully) to not let an awful event define who you are. But somehow your husband has taken your experience and is defining himself in relation to it - the wonderful hero with the traumatised wife - when actually none of that is true.

You had worked beyond your trauma, and he is certainly not a wonderful hero. Instead he has pathetically used you to garner sympathy and support for himself.

Sometimes we can feel a 'secondary' trauma from hearing of a loved one's experiences (my dh was sa at boarding school and his breakdown and tears were significant and upsetting for me), but if that happens then you get your own professional support / counselling. You don't make it a group discussion.

I'm really sorry that your husband didn't have your back in the way that you needed him to have it. He was only thinking of himself. If he can't see that or admit it then sadly I can't see how you can continue in a relationship with him.

I dont understand the relevance of this. The OP isn't asking about ways to heal from her sexual assault, in fact she has previously mentioned the therapy and work she has put in over the years to do just that. She's asking about her husband's behaviour of sharing details of her rape without her knowledge or consent, both in scenarios for his own benefit and where it led to a horrendous situation with one of his friends.

Are you suggesting she speak to a trauma counsellor to better understand and deal with her husband's actions? Or that her feelings on finding out what he has done is a reflection on her healing journey as opposed to his behaviour?

I think you need to give him an ultimatum. Couples counselling or he can go to his mums to think about the severity of this. Saying no to couple therapy is not an option.

OP this is a LOT to process. Do you still see your therapist? I would make an appt asap. If your husband won’t go and stay with his mum for a bit to allow you space to try and deal with how this is affecting you then I would tell him you will go and stay with her instead, see what he says to that. You deserve space to process.

If your husband had been sa by 2 men when he was 17, I wonder how he would feel about you telling all of your friends?
Or if you had a 17 year old daughter, would he be ok with her boyfriend telling his mates?
Or if he were to be sa abused by 2 men tomorrow, as an adult, would that be ok to tell a group of people?
And no, it makes no difference if it's men on man.
Your husbands friend sounds like a weird, sick person.

@Hiyaeveryone You may not have read the OP’s posts on her first thread. She has had extensive treatment and therapy, and been incredibly successful in recovering not just from the trauma of the rapes but from anorexia. She knows what therapy is appropriate and has done extremely well. What she’s struggling with now is her husband’s betrayal and what to do about that. Her H is refusing to accept anything is wrong.

This would be marriage ending for me.

My husband knows stuff about me I would want no-one to know as I do about him. We both know that this only stays within our bond/marriage and if I ever found out he had told these things to others I would be mortified, disappointed, angry, trust would be gone. So we do not do it - we respect each other.

I also hate sympathy and those wee glances that you may now notice. It might be nothing but you will always think people are looking at you. They may not be but if I were you I would feel so paranoid about what people were thinking.
If I were you I would have to walk away from it all - him, his family, his friends. It would control my paranoia and my mind would think of nothing else apart from what they were thinking.
You are strong OP, you deserve better. Sending love xx

Op this is MN where people say LTB at the smallest thing. With no consideration to the consequences or the effect on children. Please don't make rash decisions.

Right now you are upset and angry.
His friend is an absolute arsehole but you aren't married to his friend.

You've kept it as a secret. You aren't the one who should be embarrassed about it. The people who should be embarrassed are the bastards who did it to you.
Maybe counselling for you wouldn't be a bad thing.

I agree I was attacked and raped as a teenager. Nobody knows in any detail at all. A handful of people know snippets. If anyone passed any of that on to anyone they would no longer be in my life.

I am so sorry that you have been through all of this, from the initial SA to your husband gossiping about it with his friends. Friend B sounds a prize pillock BTW, unsurprised you left the social.
I would be starting divorce proceedings as soon as possible for a betrayal so deep. Your history should have remained private and not disclosed to his mates.

You sound a strong woman to have overcome the SA and built a relationship. That’s no small thing.

He has betrayed, then tried to gaslight. You are worth so much more than this. I hope that you can get past this in your own mind, live your life and find true happiness.

OMG at least have the decency to read the thread and the previous thread before making such a stupid comment. OP has had extensive therapy. Her husband told all his friends, his boss, his mum and god knows who else the details of his wife's SA. His friend then used this information to frighten and harrass her. Her husband has not properly apologised and has in fact called her 'mental'.

Are you genuinely stupid or did you make this comment deliberately to be hurtful and annoying?